Critical Failures II (Caverns and Creatures Book 2) by Robert Bevan Page B

rolled a natural 20, and then maybe another one on top of that.”
    “Or maybe you’re just a big pussy,” offered Cooper, yanking the bolt out of his chest. “Ow.” Then the one from his leg. “Ow.” He dropped them on the ground. “Dave, do you mind? I’m leaking like a fucking fountain over here.”
    Dave touched Cooper’s arm. “I heal thee.”
    Cooper’s wounds closed up, leaving behind only streams of drying blood to mark where they had once been.
    “I’m all tapped out of healing,” said Dave. “Maybe it’s time to call it a day.”
    The strange bird from before called out again.
    “What is that?” asked Dave.
    “Tony the Elf is nearby,” said Stuart. “He’s checking on our condition.” He cupped his hand around the sides of his mouth and answered the call. “Cooooo! Yup yup!”
    “What the fuck was that supposed to be?” asked Cooper.
    “A bird,” said Stuart. “Come on. Let’s get out of here.” He started walking away from the pumpkin patch, back the way they had come from.
    “A bird being stepped on?”
    Stuart stopped abruptly and whirled around at Cooper. “You know what? I’m really getting sick of your mouth. I don’t care what Frank says. You’re not brave. You’re stupid and reckless. It’s not the same thing.”
    Cooper pointed a thumb back at the pumpkin patch. “What do you call that stunt you just pulled out there? I just saved your life, dickhead.”
    Stuart turned red in the face. “You wouldn’t have had to if I wasn’t doing your job for you.”
    “Seriously dude. When the sun shines just the right way on your head, it really does kind of look like a dick. When you get all excited like this, I keep expecting semen to squirt out the top.”
    “That’s it!” Stuart threw down his collection of silver-tipped bolts and put his fists up. “You wanna go? Let’s go.”
    “Come on, guys,” said Dave. “Nobody’s fighting anybody. Let’s just get out of here.”
    Cooper cracked his giant knuckles while Stuart danced around like Muhammad Ali.
    “I have to warn you,” said Stuart. “My hands count as magical weapons. I have Ki Strike and Flurry of Blows.”
    Cooper laughed so hard he lost control of his legs and bladder. It was a silent laughter, as he was unable to breathe. Dave laughed as well, but remained in control of his bodily functions.
    Stuart lowered his fists. “What’s so goddamn funny?”
    “Come on, man,” said Dave. “Flurry of Blows? You really kind of walked right into that one.”
    Stuart walked around Cooper’s piss puddle and kicked him in the gut. “How old are you people?” He kicked him again. “I feel like I’m babysitting retarded kids.” Another kick.
    Cooper got control over his laughter just enough to say “Cut it out. That hurts.” He resumed laughing.
    “Everything’s a joke to you, isn’t it?” said Stuart, kicking Cooper one more time.
    Cooper kept right on laughing, even as blood started to spill out of his mouth.
    “Hey!” said Dave. “Stop it. You’re really hurting him!”
    Stuart turned around and pointed a finger at Dave. “You’re next, dwarf. We’ll see how funny you think – WHA!”
    Cooper kicked Stuart’s legs out from under him, sending him face first into the puddle of urine. He sat on Stuart’s head and rubbed his bruised ribs. “That was the worst Flurry of Blows I’ve ever had. I guess I should have bought him dinner first.”
    Stuart’s arms and legs flailed about frantically beneath Cooper’s broad ass.
    “Do you really think drowning him in your piss is going to rectify the situation.”
    “Ha!” said Cooper. “You finally made a good joke, Dave.”
    “What?”
    Cooper wiggled his ass on Stuart. “I’m rect ifying the situation.”
    “Jesus, Cooper. Just get off him, will you? You’re going to kill him.”
    “He was about to kill me,” said Cooper. “You saw him. I’ll just wait until he passes out, and we’ll carry him back to the Whore’s Head. I’ll