Critical Failures II (Caverns and Creatures Book 2) by Robert Bevan Page A

rubbed his ass with the palm of his hand. “That fucker shot me!”
    Stuart grinned at him. His own costume was at least a little more convincing, as he could properly fit in it. “You were too slow. Too stupid. You need to keep moving, just like I was. Then you won’t get hit.”
    “Dave,” said Cooper. “My ass hurts. Do you mind?”
    “Yeah, sure,” said Dave. He touched Cooper on the arm. “I heal thee.” Cooper’s wounds immediately closed up.
    “I heal thee?” asked Stuart. “That’s your healing incantation?”
    “It’s just the first thing that came to mind,” said Dave. “Now it’s just habit.”
    Stuart shook his head. “So lame. I’ve been meaning to ask you. What’s up with your furry arm?”
    Dave quickly put his arm behind his back. “It’s just something that happened.”
    Cooper pulled the wolf’s stretched out head off of his own. “What the fuck is this all about?”
    “Put that back on, you idiot!” snapped Stuart. “Don’t blow your disguise!”
    “Oh right,” said Cooper. He pulled the wolf head back on. “It’d be a shame if we stopped getting shot at.”
    “That’s right,” said Stuart.
    “You mean you’re trying to get shot at?” asked Dave.
    “What the hell do you think we’re doing out here?” asked Stuart.
    “I thought we were trying to steal pumpkins,” said Cooper. “You know, to feed everyone back at the Whore’s Head.”
    “I can’t believe how thick you guys are,” said Stuart. He held up three blood-stained crossbow bolts. “He thinks we’re werewolves, so he shoots us with silver-tipped bolts. We clean them off and sell them for a gold piece each.”
    Cooper nodded. “Not bad.”
    “So go on out there and try again.”
    “Fuck that,” said Cooper. “Those hurt.”
    “Don’t be such a pussy,” said Stuart. “Watch and learn.” With that, he bolted out from the safety of the trees, jumped on a pumpkin and somersaulted into the air. He started a series of cartwheels which ended abruptly with a bolt in his throat.
    “Shit!” said Dave.
    “Cocky little bastard,” said Cooper, grinning. “Watch and learn, he says.”
    “Dude,” said Dave. “Go get him!”
    “Goddammit,” said Cooper. “Fine.” He poked his head out to see if the coast was clear. It was not. A bolt struck the tree mere inches from his face. Cooper jerked his head back.
    “Hurry up!” said Dave. “While he’s reloading!”
    Cooper ran out into the pumpkin patch, waving his arms as if he was trying to fly. He took a bolt in the chest and another in the arm, but finally reached Stuart. On the way back, he attempted to shield himself with Stuart’s body, but still managed to catch a bolt in the ear. Pushing his luck, he also managed to grab the bolt out of the tree before ducking back to safety and dumping Stuart.
    Stuart was in bad shape. His eyes were open, but Dave couldn’t even tell if he was conscious. He was choking on his own blood as it bubbled out of the hole in his neck.
    Dave plucked the bolt out of Stuart’s neck and touched the wound. “I heal thee.”
    The hole closed up nicely, which Dave hoped was a sign that he was still alive. The brief moment of silence that followed was interrupted by the call of a strange bird that Dave couldn’t identify. Two chirps and a whistle.
    As if waking up from a horrific nightmare, Stuart opened his eyes and gasped. He rolled over on his side and coughed up what seemed like half a liter of blood. When he stopped coughing, he looked up and smiled weakly at Dave with red teeth. He held up a finger. “One… more… please.”
    Dave touched him on the head. “I heal thee.”
    Stuart puked up another thick glob of blood, and then finally resumed breathing normally. “Thanks.”
    “How did that one bolt fuck you up so bad?” asked Cooper, wincing as he plucked the bolt out of his ear. “I mean, I know I’m bigger than you, but I got shot like six times.”
    “Critical Hit,” said Stuart. “He must have