Critical Failures II (Caverns and Creatures Book 2) by Robert Bevan

let’s get down to business. I presume your visit here today had purpose beyond destroying one of my gardeners.”
    “We’re looking for a girl,” said Tim.
    “I don’t know what you’ve been told about me, but I trade in pumpkins.”
    “Why pumpkins?” asked Julian. Tim didn’t know whether Julian was sincerely interested in this crazy old man’s hobbies, or whether this was some kind of Diplomacy tactic. Reluctantly, he kept his mouth shut.
    Pep shrugged. “I like pumpkins.”
    “That doesn’t seem very evil of you,” said Julian.
    That was maybe one of the least diplomatic sentences that Tim had ever heard. “What the hell are you –”
    “I’m sorry,” said Julian. “I just have to know. My understanding of the rules is that only evil clerics can make and control zombies.”
    “You got some gall, son,” said the old man. “You trespass on my property, destroy one of my gardeners, and then you have the nerve to sit there and judge me while you sip my lemonade?”
    “You misinterpret my meaning,” said Julian, who didn’t look at all worried about having just insulted a homicidal priest whose hobbies included murder for sport. “It’s just the opposite, really. You have been a gracious and hospitable host, and I was second-guessing my own preconceptions of good and evil.”
    “Is that so?” said Pep. He stared ponderously at Julian.
    “What is it about pumpkins that you like?”
    “They grow quickly,” said Pep. His time-worn eyes sparkled with the fervor of someone who is talking about something they are truly passionate about. “The vines are strong and determined. They’ll climb up fences or trees, strangle the life out of anything weaker. You got pumpkins growing in yer garden, you can forget about tomatoes and asparagus. The pumpkins will take over everything.”
    “Well I guess that’s pretty evi—”
    “It’s my sister,” Tim interrupted. “The girl we’re looking for, that is. We have it on good authority that she has recently acquired a large pumpkin.”
    “I was just getting around to that,” said Julian.
    “How recently,” asked Pep, “does your good authority claim she has acquired this pumpkin?”
    “Sometime last night,” said Tim.
    Pep sat back in his chair and stroked the white stubble on his chin. “It’s not proper business etiquette to give away personal information about my customers,” he said. “But in Millard’s case, I could make an exception. The poor guy gets lonely up there in that old fort of his. He’d welcome the company.”
    “Millard?”
    “Now mind you,” Pep said abruptly. “If I was you, I wouldn’t go around asking questions about good and evil and all that.” He wagged a bony finger at Julian. “Curiosity is a good thing, I tell you, but that’s just bad form, it is.”
    “I apologize,” said Julian. “It was not my intent to offend you.”
    “No harm done here, my boy,” said Pep, smiling. His smile faded before he spoke again. He leaned forward in his chair. “But Millard, now. He’s a different sort than me. He’s sensitive, like. His feelings are fragile, so iffin’ you want to go talk to him, you mind yer manners and watch what you say, hear?”
    “Of course,” said Julian. “Where might we find this man, Millard?”
    “Oh, findin’ him won’t be no trouble,” said Pep. “You know that mountain on the other side of town?”
    “The dark and creepy one that casts a shadow over half of Cardinia?” asked Tim.
    “That’s the one,” said Pep. “Grimblood Peak.”
    “Sounds inviting,” said Tim.
    “You just shimmy yer arses up to the top of that mountain, and you’ll find an old fortification. Been here since the Wars of the Fractured Kingdom. Fallen into some disrepair since then, it has. But you won’t have no trouble finding it.”
     

Chapter 11
     
     
     
    “What kind of bullshit was that?” said Cooper through the open mouth of the least-convincing wolf costume Dave thought imaginable. He