Crank by Ellen Hopkins Page B

to me, bear the weight and lift
    me, induce buoyancy, float me in a brilliant, blue sky above the reach of personal demons.
    So peaceful, in the canopy, beyond distress and self-incrimination. I wanted to stay there forever.
    Impossible of course. Chase drove away and almost immediately, fantasy
    dissolved, like sugar stirred into saltwater, as the real
    world
    clamped down around me, slammed me back down to Earth.
    367
     
     
     
    I
    Tried to Beat Mom Inside
     
    but she was right on my heels as I went through the door.
     
    Who is that boy who just left?
     
    Busted. I had to tell her something, so I said, "A friend."
     
    What kind of friend?
     
    "My best friend," I wanted to say.
    "My only friend." I just stared.
     
    I asked you a question.
     
    Okay. I'd tell her what she didn't
    want to hear. "Chase is my boyfriend."
     
    Boyfriend? He's hardly your type.
     
    Anger bubbled. I gritted my teeth.
    "I don't have a type, Mother."
     
    Well, at least someone good-looking.
     
    Like Chase wasn't, she meant.
    And, "You mean like Brendan."
     
    Exactly. What happened to Brendan?
     
    I was prepared. "We didn't really
    hit it off." Understated, huh?
     
    But he was so nice, so polite.
     
    368
    I tried to bite my tongue. Didn't work.
    "He wasn't so nice, Mom."
     
    What do you mean?
     
    "He was..." I paused, "all over me."
    She looked at me without sympathy.
     
    Why didn't you tell
    me before?
     
    I took dead aim. "I didn't think
    you'd care. Apparently, I was right."
    369
     
     
     
    Leveled
     
    Have you ever actually felt one up on your mom? What an exhilarating feeling.
    * *
    She stuttered, coughed, couldn't say a word because somewhere inside she knew she was wrong.
    * *
    So I pushed even harder. "You always told
    me not to judge a book by its cover.
    Practice what you preach, Mom."
    * *
    Two clichés don't exactly make for deep
    conversation, but I didn't expect
    that (or want it) anyway.
    * *
    I started for my inner sanctum. Paused.
    "I mean look at you and me. On the surface, we both seem so normal!"
    * *
    Her face contorted, emphasizing every wrinkle.
    "Take a peek inside our family album.
    Like what's in there?"
    370
    Do you think that was mean? I guess, but it felt so great, it made me grin.
    Sort of sick, or what?
    371
     
     
     
    Light-Headed
     
    Giddy from my absolute bluster
    (not to mention lack of food and a big dose of nicotine),
    I skipped up the hall, singing
    * * a Queen
    song about paying
    dues and doing time, no
    crime committed. Oh, that
    Freddie Mercury. What a waste!
    * *
    That guy was really something--a rebel and worse.
    * *
    In a day when it was supposed to be okay to experiment
    that way. No condoms, just good gay fun. We
    know better now.
    372
    As I thought about that, I had to wonder: What will we
    know better about tomorrow?
    Who cares? Hindsight is useless.
    * *
    Even looking back now, things seem a bit muddled.
    373
     
     
     
    N
    orthern Nevada Autumns
     
    are filled with weeds.
    * *
    Toxic, high-allergen garden killers.
    Tumbleweed.
    Rabbitbrush.
    Russian white top.
    Guess how I spent that Sunday.
    Wound up on Claritin
    enhanced crank, it wasn't so bad.
    Yank. Think.
    Tug. Consider.
    I would put Adam's letter in the mail.
    Water. Soak in.
    Watch Mom and Scott
    drive away.
    Bribe Jake to help.
    I would never tell another soul about Brendan.
    Direct Jake to dump the wheelbarrow.
    Yank. Think.
    Tug. Consider.
    374
    I would make love with Chase very soon.
    Start to come down.
    Disappear for a toot.
    Notice my stash was two
    snorts away from gone.
    I would make a cash withdrawal the next day.
    Help Jake finish up.
    Send him to 7-Eleven for Cokes and chips.
    I would call Chase while he was gone.
    375
     
     
     
    No
    Answer
     
    No sweat.
    Okay, maybe a little sweat.
    * *
    If I couldn't
    get crank from Chase
    * * who could
    I get it from?
    I thought.
    * *
    And thought.
    And finally, one person
    * *
    came to mind.
    I got on my bike, pedaled over to
    * *
    Trent's, hoping
    Robyn was home and