Crank by Ellen Hopkins

his benediction.
    347
    But my mouth closed up tight around the nuclear force
    building inside, thought after thought churning, the evil in my core threatening to eviscerate me.
    * *
    Would you think it a mercy killing?
    348
     
     
     
    Br
    endan Pulled Up
     
    at the foot of my driveway, didn't so much as glance my way
    * * until I opened the door and creaked to the curb.
    * *
    Then he turned and tossed the dwindled bindle at my feet.
    * *
     
    You owe me $250.
     
    * *
    Would you believe
    I paid up?
    349
     
     
     
    I
    Stumbled up the Driveway
     
    wanting desperately to shed the lingering traces of eau de Brendan.
    * *
    Even messed up, I realized
    * *
    I couldn't very well go inside and straight into the shower.
    * *
    Someone might wonder.
    * *
    So I aimed for the hot tub, threw back the cover, almost gagged on eau de chlorine.
    * *
    But I didn't care.
    * *
    Steamy water bubbled around me, over me, jetted inside me.
    * *
    The monster laughed out loud.
    * *
    Cleansed, chlorinated to the point of chemical
    peel, sore muscles relieved,
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    I felt almost human again.
    * *
    Tiptoe to my room, up a darkened hall, past closed doors,
    * *
    I wondered if I'd ever feel completely human again.
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    Exhausted
     
    but too buzzed to sleep,
    I pulled out some stationary:
    * *
     
    Dearest Adam,
     
    * *
     
    Always great to hear from you. You're a regular well of information. Why isn't any of it ever good?
     
    * *
     
    If you happen to see my dad again, tell him not to bother keeping in touch. He's a shit and I hope his new girlfriend gives him herpes. Or worse.
     
    * *
     
    How's it going with Giselle? (Were her parents on something when they named her?) I'm sure she gets high if you're attracted to her. Have you two done the dirty yet?
     
    352
     
    As for me, I've got two boyfriends. One is too busy to keep me out of trouble. The other just raped in I think it was rape, anyway. Can you define the word for me? Oops. I think I'm sounding bitter.
     
    * *
     
    Better close now. I need to cry. (Maybe
    you didn't want to hear that.)
     
    * *
     
    Love you, too,
    K... Bree
     
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    It
    Was Mean
     
    So mean, it made me feel
    better but not quite good
    enough
    I could only think of one
    way to make things all
    better
    okay, so maybe it wasn't
    truly the best way to climb
    above
    my mounting state of depression but it definitely did the trick in fact, I had to laugh, it was so simple. I
    just
    had to open the bindle
    calling
    me on behalf of the monster
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    Clo
    se to Empty
     
    We had tooted a lot, but not an eight ball.
    I began to suspect
    Brendan had pilfered a bit.
    * *
    Brendan a thief?
    Almost unbelievable!
    * *
    Conservation was the key to seeing me through until morning when I could
    give Chase a call.
    * *
    Conservation, in fact, might be the solution.
    * *
    The solution to staying high and still maintaining my way through class work, homework, and family dinners.
    * *
    I knew I couldn't
    manage it straight.
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    Couldn't manage not to sink into a swamp of self-pity, quicksand for a fractured psyche.
    * *
    Kristina crumbled.
    I called for Bree.
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    B
    rain Waves
     
    ping-ponging inside my skull, no hope of sleep or easy
    egress to a plane where memory
    could not intrude, I bent my
    head, submitting to shame.
    Why had I gone? What
    had I done? Who would
    want me now? How could I
    deny the state of my being or my
    part in its disintegration? No
    way to elude the bitter bite of blame
    I tried to lay the night's
    events on anyone but myself.
    Couldn't. I had tried to play
    Brendan, and he had turned the tables. He was a grand
    master player. I was new to the game.
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    The
    Game Replayed
     
    over and over all night long, like a cable TV horror flick.
    * *
    I laid in bed, memorizing
    every scene, every line, every plot twist.
    * *
    Finally sunshine
    trickled through the blinds.
    Dust danced in its beams.
    * *
    The house filled with the