Chop Chop by Simon Wroe

t the insistence of Ramilov and Racist Dave, I have included a glossary of kitchen terms. I should point out that this list is unique to The Swan; every restaurant kitchen has its own particular idiom. Yet there is also a universal language of chefs, represented here by the French words and phrases, which you might hear in the back of any decent restaurant from New York to Bombay. And there are still other phrases that every restaurant has a version of, out of necessity, such as
chaud behind
. These may vary from place to place, or region to region, but they will always be present in some form.
    I have explained to Ramilov and Dave that a glossary traditionally appears before or after the main body of work, but they were adamant it should go here because, quote, it looks less boring and people will feel like they have to read it. I should also point out that neither Ramilov nor Dave has an English literature degree, or any academic qualification beyond GCSE.
    ALL DAY: Across all checks.
    AWAY: Re an order. When the check or course is away, the customer is waiting.
    BLAZE UP:
Slang.
To start cooking.
    Ã‡A MARCHE: Pronounced “summ-age.” The French means something like “It’s walking.” In the kitchen it means the order is on and away.
    CHAUD BEHIND: Coming past and carrying something hot. Also Backs, Chaud (pronounced “sho”), Chaud backs, Behind, Hot pan.
    CHECK: A table’s order, and its printed counterpart.
    CHINOIS: French term for a conical strainer, similar to a sieve.
    COOKING ON GAS: Statement of fact, repeated loudly.
    FIX UP:
Slang.
Sort yourself out.
    FUCKING OUI: Expression of strong approval.
    GASH: Expression of strong disapproval; female genitals.
    GO DOWN: Due to how few women chefs meet, and the language they use when they do, this phrase rarely has anything to do with the above definition. Instead, it is almost always used to describe the physical and/or mental collapse of a chef during service.
    GRABBER: A rail, usually placed at eye level on the sauce section, pastry section and pass, that holds the relevant checks in the order they are “coming up.”
    JAMIE OLIVER:
Derogatory.
Term used by chefs de partie to describe someone who is paid lots of money to talk about food but knows no more about food than they do, while they are paid pennies. Clear case of sour grapes.
    MAURICE: This is what Bob used to call a spatula. It is not French for spatula and I have no idea why he did it.
    MISE EN PLACE: Sometimes shortened to mise or abbreviated to MEP. Literally, the putting in place. The daily, inglorious task of getting one’s dishes, utensils and setup ready for the shitfight ahead. Kitchen work is more mise than anything else.
    NICE BOY:
Derogatory.
A homosexual.
    PASTRY CHEF:
Derogatory.
A homosexual.
    PART TIMER:
Derogatory.
A chef who does, or is perceived to do, less work than other chefs.
    PASS: The place that all food must go before it leaves the kitchen, where every plate must “pass” the scrutiny of the head chef orhis representative on earth. Final garnishes may be added, sauces tried, stains expunged.
    PLONGEUR: Someone who works in the plonge. A kitchen porter.
    POOMPLEX:
Slang. Derogatory.
An idiot.
    SOIGNÉ: Pronounced “swan-yay,” by Bob at least. French word meaning elegant or sophisticated. In the kitchen usually preceded by the English word
fucking
, meaning “very” or “extremely.”
    SOLID TOP: The sheer metal hot plate; source of great heat, as my elbow can attest.
    WASTEMAN:
Slang. Derogatory.
A useless person; Dibden.
    YOUR COCK-UP, MY ARSE: A favorite expression of chefs that touches all the bases: profanity, homoeroticism and accusation.
    Ramilov has also asked me to include a short section on nouns of assemblage. I am very happy to do so. It is easy to forget Ramilov’s flashes of learning amid the many loud reports of his baser nature. His education, so far as I know, was slight, but