wasn’t so far from the truth. I’d totally lost it. The glass. The blood.
I walked out of the bathroom and crawled onto the bed. Maybe I could will my life away with sleep. Wake up a different person. This was one of my common wishes, along with discovering the power of invisibility and winning a grand slam title. Phoebe crept over to peer down at me. Her hair had been braided in a way that showed off her enormous ears.
“You okay?” she asked in a hushed voice.
“ No. Gram is going to kill me. I broke a bunch of stuff in her house.”
“I heard about that. You went seriously apeshit.”
I pursed my lips. Phoebe was right, but I didn’t approve of swearing.
“Yeah, well,” I said. “I think I’m crazy.”
“Hey,” she offered. “At least you didn’t get carsick on the way up.”
I squeezed my knees. “That was kind of the point, wasn’t it?”
“Mmm, maybe that was only part of the point.”
“What do you mean?”
She didn’t answer. Her face looked paler than usual. She shivered in a restless kind of way and began cruising around the room, touching things.
“Wait,” I said. “What are you doing here?”
Phoebe’s eyes widened. “We’re all here. My family. Gram and Grandpa. Your dad.”
“Oh.”
“Phoebe.” This came from Keith, who’d stepped in without knocking.
I tensed at the sight of him. Phoebe streaked from the room like a cat.
Keith came and sat beside me. I retreated into the corner of the bed with my back against the wall. Despite his familiar “Got Soy?” T-shirt, I hardly recognized him. He didn’t look like my brother. Downy hair coated his arms and legs, and his eyes, which had always been the same dull brown as mine, had taken on the coppery tone of his hair. Fiery sparks of red floated in the irises. His strangeness felt untrustworthy. But when Keith looked right at me, I softened.
“Drew, you really scared me.”
I continued to watch him.
“Why did you cut yourself like that?” he asked.
I wanted to die.
“I don’t know,” I said.
I didn’t react when I saw his tears well up like a summer storm. Not until they spilled over, ran down his cheeks, and mixed with his snot. Then I got scared and felt a desperate lump build in my own throat. I didn’t want to have to comfort him. I didn’t know how.
“God, Drew, just—just don’t do anything like that again. Come to me if you’re sad, all right? Or angry. I love you, I can’t watch you hurt yourself.”
I crept forward and laid my head on his shoulder. I felt horrible. Black guilt pinched my flesh. Everywhere. Hard.
Keith said, “I’m sorry.”
I didn’t know how to respond. I was the one who felt sorry. Not in the apology kind of way. In the I-hate-myself-and-deserve-to-suffer kind of way.
“Come on,” he directed. “Let’s go for a walk.”
* * *
The muscles in my gut tightened as Keith and I left the bedroom and walked down the hall. I half expected my grandmother to jump out and hit me again. But she didn’t. We stepped outside without incident.
The sky was brilliantly clear, a turquoise template of summer. The surface of a nearby lake sparkled at us through the trees.
I breathed deeply, inhaling mountain air and sweet, sweet relief. I’d escaped punishment. For now.
Keith read my mind. “Everyone’s down at the water. Grandpa got a new boat or something, and I said I’d stay with you. I don’t get why Phoebe decided to stick around.”
She wants to spy on us, I thought, but said nothing. I looked back and gaped at the cabin. Actually, cabin wasn’t a big enough word. The place loomed like a castle, all stone and glass, reminding me of the photographs my mom had shown me of Ireland, the lush mountains where she’d grown up, ones that looked like a different world. I turned and followed my brother. He led us into the woods, away from the water.
“You know,” Keith said as we walked, “I haven’t done right by you, Drew. I’m sorry for that.”
I
I walked out of the bathroom and crawled onto the bed. Maybe I could will my life away with sleep. Wake up a different person. This was one of my common wishes, along with discovering the power of invisibility and winning a grand slam title. Phoebe crept over to peer down at me. Her hair had been braided in a way that showed off her enormous ears.
“You okay?” she asked in a hushed voice.
“ No. Gram is going to kill me. I broke a bunch of stuff in her house.”
“I heard about that. You went seriously apeshit.”
I pursed my lips. Phoebe was right, but I didn’t approve of swearing.
“Yeah, well,” I said. “I think I’m crazy.”
“Hey,” she offered. “At least you didn’t get carsick on the way up.”
I squeezed my knees. “That was kind of the point, wasn’t it?”
“Mmm, maybe that was only part of the point.”
“What do you mean?”
She didn’t answer. Her face looked paler than usual. She shivered in a restless kind of way and began cruising around the room, touching things.
“Wait,” I said. “What are you doing here?”
Phoebe’s eyes widened. “We’re all here. My family. Gram and Grandpa. Your dad.”
“Oh.”
“Phoebe.” This came from Keith, who’d stepped in without knocking.
I tensed at the sight of him. Phoebe streaked from the room like a cat.
Keith came and sat beside me. I retreated into the corner of the bed with my back against the wall. Despite his familiar “Got Soy?” T-shirt, I hardly recognized him. He didn’t look like my brother. Downy hair coated his arms and legs, and his eyes, which had always been the same dull brown as mine, had taken on the coppery tone of his hair. Fiery sparks of red floated in the irises. His strangeness felt untrustworthy. But when Keith looked right at me, I softened.
“Drew, you really scared me.”
I continued to watch him.
“Why did you cut yourself like that?” he asked.
I wanted to die.
“I don’t know,” I said.
I didn’t react when I saw his tears well up like a summer storm. Not until they spilled over, ran down his cheeks, and mixed with his snot. Then I got scared and felt a desperate lump build in my own throat. I didn’t want to have to comfort him. I didn’t know how.
“God, Drew, just—just don’t do anything like that again. Come to me if you’re sad, all right? Or angry. I love you, I can’t watch you hurt yourself.”
I crept forward and laid my head on his shoulder. I felt horrible. Black guilt pinched my flesh. Everywhere. Hard.
Keith said, “I’m sorry.”
I didn’t know how to respond. I was the one who felt sorry. Not in the apology kind of way. In the I-hate-myself-and-deserve-to-suffer kind of way.
“Come on,” he directed. “Let’s go for a walk.”
* * *
The muscles in my gut tightened as Keith and I left the bedroom and walked down the hall. I half expected my grandmother to jump out and hit me again. But she didn’t. We stepped outside without incident.
The sky was brilliantly clear, a turquoise template of summer. The surface of a nearby lake sparkled at us through the trees.
I breathed deeply, inhaling mountain air and sweet, sweet relief. I’d escaped punishment. For now.
Keith read my mind. “Everyone’s down at the water. Grandpa got a new boat or something, and I said I’d stay with you. I don’t get why Phoebe decided to stick around.”
She wants to spy on us, I thought, but said nothing. I looked back and gaped at the cabin. Actually, cabin wasn’t a big enough word. The place loomed like a castle, all stone and glass, reminding me of the photographs my mom had shown me of Ireland, the lush mountains where she’d grown up, ones that looked like a different world. I turned and followed my brother. He led us into the woods, away from the water.
“You know,” Keith said as we walked, “I haven’t done right by you, Drew. I’m sorry for that.”
I
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