but in truth, I’m not really all that sure. I mean, there’s that guy who was killed in the woods. I still haven’t heard any update on the autopsy report. If it turns out he died during the last full moon, well, maybe I did that instead of this unknown wild animal. Maybe I just don’t remember. That’s the problem with being estranged from my family, practically disowned. No one can answer my questions or tell me what to expect. I’m alone and I don’t understand myself. My throat tightens. I wish I had my older brother. I wish I could talk to him, but I have to push that away. Wishes like that are selfish.
I’m selfish.
“Can I ask you something, Win?” Lex whispers.
“Sure.”
“The night you told me about your family…”
“What about it?” I ask.
“You said it was your brother who explained it to you?”
“Yes.”
“Why him?”
“He was older than me. I think it was his, you know, job to teach me.”
“Why not your father?”
My back curls and the hairs on my forearms rise.
“It was my brother’s job,” I repeat.
“So you were close with your brother?”
“Of course.”
“But he never, you know?”
“No. He never changed. He was only fourteen. He didn’t get to.”
“Then how do you know what he was?”
My face turns hot, my stomach, violent, but I look right at him. “You really need to back off talking about my brother, Lex. I mean it. You of all people should know better.”
His eyes widen and his lips frown. The last time Lex and I talked about my brother was the night he almost died. He couldn’t handle it then and he shouldn’t bring it up now.
I continue to stare. I want power. I want the upper hand. I want to see the fear again on Lex’s face, like I did when I was on top of him in the biology lab. But I don’t. I see pity. I see sorrow.
“Win,” he says quietly and with more sincerity than I would ever have believed him capable of, “what if you don’t change tonight?”
There are wants and needs in this world, I think. There are hopes and guarantees. There are the things that are true and the things we need to believe in. And I’ve seen enough in my life to know I don’t believe in much. But I do not waver in the words I say to Lex:
“I will.”
chapter
twenty-two
antimatter
Mind followed body.
First my eyes opened.
Then the fear sluiced through me.
I did not know where I was.
The view from the window on the opposite wall pulled me from the unfamiliar bed where I lay. But I stood too quickly. My head became a buzzing cloud. I swayed, came close to falling, but the dizziness cleared. I walked across the room and gazed outside.
It came back to me in a tumbling rush. I was in New Hampshire, the White Mountains. That made sense. Everywhere, all I saw were trees and steep angles. A certain alpine grace. I reached out, unlatched the window, and let in the breeze. No mugginess. It felt good. I began to hum, an old jukebox song springing into my head without warning.
“Hey,” a voice said. “You’re up.”
I turned to see Phoebe. She leaned against the doorway, one matchstick leg hooked over the other like a 4. The end of a lollipop stick jutted from her mouth, and her lips were stained red.
“Hiya,” she said.
I ignored her and took my first look around the room. It had a nautical theme. There was white wicker furniture and a framed display of knots hanging on the bare wood walls. A blue rug in the shape of an anchor covered the middle of the floor. A second door stood to my right. I peeked. It was a bathroom.
“Excuse me,” I said to Phoebe. My bladder hurt. I ducked in, shut the door, and stood over the toilet for a really long time. After flushing, I went to the mirror.
Ugh. I looked terrible, with drooping bags beneath my eyes and cracked lips. I ran my fingers over the neck bandages. Those, along with my matted hair, pushed me into mental patient territory. I swallowed hard. Well, considering what I’d done, I guess that
I’m selfish.
“Can I ask you something, Win?” Lex whispers.
“Sure.”
“The night you told me about your family…”
“What about it?” I ask.
“You said it was your brother who explained it to you?”
“Yes.”
“Why him?”
“He was older than me. I think it was his, you know, job to teach me.”
“Why not your father?”
My back curls and the hairs on my forearms rise.
“It was my brother’s job,” I repeat.
“So you were close with your brother?”
“Of course.”
“But he never, you know?”
“No. He never changed. He was only fourteen. He didn’t get to.”
“Then how do you know what he was?”
My face turns hot, my stomach, violent, but I look right at him. “You really need to back off talking about my brother, Lex. I mean it. You of all people should know better.”
His eyes widen and his lips frown. The last time Lex and I talked about my brother was the night he almost died. He couldn’t handle it then and he shouldn’t bring it up now.
I continue to stare. I want power. I want the upper hand. I want to see the fear again on Lex’s face, like I did when I was on top of him in the biology lab. But I don’t. I see pity. I see sorrow.
“Win,” he says quietly and with more sincerity than I would ever have believed him capable of, “what if you don’t change tonight?”
There are wants and needs in this world, I think. There are hopes and guarantees. There are the things that are true and the things we need to believe in. And I’ve seen enough in my life to know I don’t believe in much. But I do not waver in the words I say to Lex:
“I will.”
chapter
twenty-two
antimatter
Mind followed body.
First my eyes opened.
Then the fear sluiced through me.
I did not know where I was.
The view from the window on the opposite wall pulled me from the unfamiliar bed where I lay. But I stood too quickly. My head became a buzzing cloud. I swayed, came close to falling, but the dizziness cleared. I walked across the room and gazed outside.
It came back to me in a tumbling rush. I was in New Hampshire, the White Mountains. That made sense. Everywhere, all I saw were trees and steep angles. A certain alpine grace. I reached out, unlatched the window, and let in the breeze. No mugginess. It felt good. I began to hum, an old jukebox song springing into my head without warning.
“Hey,” a voice said. “You’re up.”
I turned to see Phoebe. She leaned against the doorway, one matchstick leg hooked over the other like a 4. The end of a lollipop stick jutted from her mouth, and her lips were stained red.
“Hiya,” she said.
I ignored her and took my first look around the room. It had a nautical theme. There was white wicker furniture and a framed display of knots hanging on the bare wood walls. A blue rug in the shape of an anchor covered the middle of the floor. A second door stood to my right. I peeked. It was a bathroom.
“Excuse me,” I said to Phoebe. My bladder hurt. I ducked in, shut the door, and stood over the toilet for a really long time. After flushing, I went to the mirror.
Ugh. I looked terrible, with drooping bags beneath my eyes and cracked lips. I ran my fingers over the neck bandages. Those, along with my matted hair, pushed me into mental patient territory. I swallowed hard. Well, considering what I’d done, I guess that
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