Bumageddon: The Final Pongflict by Andy Griffiths

friend.’
    â€˜So that’s all you want me back for,’ said her bum.‘To make you a better bum-fighter. You just don’t get it, do you?’
    â€˜No, that’s not what I meant!’ said Eleanor. ‘I can understand how you feel, but . . .’
    â€˜No, you can’t,’ said her bum. ‘You have no idea how it feels to be abandoned. But don’t worry, you soon will.’
    â€˜What do you mean?’ said Eleanor.
    â€˜Robobum!’ said Eleanor’s bum. ‘Stop immediately! I’m getting off.’
    â€˜Affirmative,’ said Robobum. ‘Setting down now!’
    â€˜But you can’t get off,’ said Eleanor.
    â€˜And why not?’ said Eleanor’s bum.
    â€˜Because we’ll never find the Crack of Doom without you!’ said Eleanor.
    â€˜And?’ said her bum.
    â€˜And what?’ said Eleanor.
    â€˜And?’ repeated her bum.
    â€˜And because you’re my bum,’ said Eleanor. ‘I need you.’
    â€˜Right answer,’ said her bum, ‘just a little bit too late. Goodbye, Eleanor. I’m sorry it didn’t work out between us.’
    â€˜Robobum has landed,’ said Robobum. ‘Safe to depart.’
    â€˜Teleport me out, please, Robobum,’ said Eleanor’s bum.
    Eleanor watched sadly as her bum disappeared under the light.
    â€˜Good riddance, I say,’ muttered Zack’s bum quietly. But not quietly enough.
    â€˜Shut up!’ snarled Eleanor. ‘Or . . . or . . .’
    â€˜Or what?’ said Zack’s bum.
    â€˜Or else,’ said Eleanor.
    â€˜Did you hear that, Zack?’ said his bum. ‘She threatened me.’
    â€˜ Shut up !’ said Zack.

CHAPTER 47
STUCK!
    E leanor glared fiercely at Zack’s bum. ‘You’re nothing but a troublemaker,’ she said. ‘How are we supposed to find the Crack of Doom now?’
    â€˜Hey, don’t blame me,’ said Zack’s bum. ‘It’s your bum that’s the troublemaker.’
    â€˜How dare you!’ said Eleanor. ‘ You’re the one who fell asleep on your watch. And if my memory serves me correctly, wasn’t it you who ran away in the first place to help the Great White Bum build his bumcano? And you have the nerve to call my bum a troublemaker?’
    â€˜Easy, Eleanor,’ said Zack. ‘That’s all in the past now.’
    â€˜And in case you hadn’t noticed, chucklehead,’ said Eleanor. ‘So are we! We’re stuck here without a map and now, thanks to your bum, no guide either!’
    â€˜Negative,’ said Robobum. ‘That is not correct. I can act as your guide.’
    â€˜But you’ve never been here before,’ said Eleanor.‘You might have a BPS * system, but there are no satellites here—they haven’t been invented yet. So as far as I can figure you’re as lost as the rest of us.’
    â€˜Negative,’ said Robobum. ‘Although my BPS is currently not functioning, I am equipped with many other features. Let me remind you that I am Robobum. Fully riveted reinforced steel cheeks. Turbo-assisted jet repulsion units. Nuclear wart-head equipped . . .’
    â€˜Spare us the details,’ interrupted Eleanor.
    â€˜As you please,’ said Robobum, undaunted by Eleanor’s abruptness. ‘My sensors indicate an abnormal concentration of methane in the mountainous region to our north-east. I believe this is where the Crack of Doom will be found.’
    â€˜How can you be sure?’ said Ned. ‘With all these prehistoric bums running around, wouldn’t there be an abnormal concentration of methane over the entire planet?’
    â€˜The molecular signature of this particular methane is almost identical to that emitted by the Great White Bum,’ said Robobum. I believe there is a 95 per cent probability of it belonging to a large number of the same types of Great