its job but I
don’t feel it. The hot spray cleans away the dirt but it’ll never
clean my soul. I want it to. I want it to wash away the pain and
leave the girl I once was in its wake, but it won’t. It’ll only
cleanse my skin and leave me feeling more awake than I was before I
got in.
Which is bad because I just
want to sleep. I don’t want to feel this.
My tears blend with the water
as it falls down my body. I know they’re there, I can feel them
leaking from my eyes. So many tears, do we ever run out? Has
anybody ever truly run out of tears? Does their body dehydrate and
whither or do they merely fall asleep?
If Caleb were here, we’d Google
it.
I don’t feel any better after
my shower, especially not when I see the bed. It’s been completely
stripped. My body can’t muster the right emotion for it though, so
I just stare blankly at the naked bed and try not to picture his
lifeless body lying on the mattress. Naked bed or not, the image is
still there.
My tears have run out.
“ I don’t feel
anything,” I say to no one and make my way to my closet. It doesn’t
take me long to find something black. Seeing as that something is
one of Caleb’s hoodies that I insisted he stopped wearing. It’s too
big on me, it buries me. It’s perfect, it even smells of him. I
wear my own jeans and a pair of socks before slowly descending the
stairs.
Sasha is on the phone to her
mum, I know she’s worried but no advice can be given. I’d say I
feel bad for putting this on my friend, for loading my grief onto
her and being ungrateful about it but I don’t feel anything.
There isn’t a day that doesn’t
rain in ones grieving mind.
“ Mum, I’ll
call you back,” Sasha says when she sees me stood in the doorway.
She places her phone on the side and smiles softly. “Come on, let’s
go for a walk.”
I shake my head, “I can’t face
the outside world yet Sash. Please don’t make me.”
She frowns slightly, so
slightly I barely see it. “Sure. Let’s play a board game then.”
“ No thanks.”
I sit on the stool, my head resting on my hands. “You can leave if
you have to. You have classes and a job.”
Sasha quirks a brow at me, “I
have been leaving. Have you been getting out of bed at all while
I’ve been gone?”
She’s been gone? “Sorry.”
“ I’m worried
about you,” this is said in kindness, her tone screams of sincerity
and concern.
“ Me too,” I
mutter and stare out of the window. “Why’d he leave me,
Sasha?”
“ He
didn’t.”
I shake my head, “Spare me the
spiritual bullshit.”
“ Shall we
cook something?” I shake my head in response. “I’m going to cook us
something.”
“ I’m going
back to bed,” I whisper and climb back off the stool.
“ I’m just
trying to help.”
I nod, my face as blank as my
soul. “I know babe and I’m sorry your efforts are lost on me.”
“ It’ll get
better,” she clasps my hand with her own and gazes at me with warm
eyes. “I promise it’ll get better.”
No it won’t. I don’t say this
though, I just retreat back to my naked bed and pull a pillow over
my head. I lie here in darkness waiting for it to consume me. Then
I realise… it already has.
******
We have to drive for three and
a half hours to get to the funeral. So do all of our friends from
town which is irritating. The journey doesn’t end quickly enough
and when we get there I keep my eyes on my shoes until I’m seated.
I don’t absorb anything, I daren’t.
I do scan the room though, I
want to see how many people Caleb touched in his short life.
I’m grateful when no one talks
to me from his side, although I doubt they even know who I am. I’m
just some knocked up woman in a navy dress. There was no way I was
going to wear black. Caleb wouldn’t have wanted me to.
His family sit on the opposite
side of the room, they don’t look at me. Not that I care.
I’m watching the coffin be
carried by people I don’t know. I glance around at
don’t feel it. The hot spray cleans away the dirt but it’ll never
clean my soul. I want it to. I want it to wash away the pain and
leave the girl I once was in its wake, but it won’t. It’ll only
cleanse my skin and leave me feeling more awake than I was before I
got in.
Which is bad because I just
want to sleep. I don’t want to feel this.
My tears blend with the water
as it falls down my body. I know they’re there, I can feel them
leaking from my eyes. So many tears, do we ever run out? Has
anybody ever truly run out of tears? Does their body dehydrate and
whither or do they merely fall asleep?
If Caleb were here, we’d Google
it.
I don’t feel any better after
my shower, especially not when I see the bed. It’s been completely
stripped. My body can’t muster the right emotion for it though, so
I just stare blankly at the naked bed and try not to picture his
lifeless body lying on the mattress. Naked bed or not, the image is
still there.
My tears have run out.
“ I don’t feel
anything,” I say to no one and make my way to my closet. It doesn’t
take me long to find something black. Seeing as that something is
one of Caleb’s hoodies that I insisted he stopped wearing. It’s too
big on me, it buries me. It’s perfect, it even smells of him. I
wear my own jeans and a pair of socks before slowly descending the
stairs.
Sasha is on the phone to her
mum, I know she’s worried but no advice can be given. I’d say I
feel bad for putting this on my friend, for loading my grief onto
her and being ungrateful about it but I don’t feel anything.
There isn’t a day that doesn’t
rain in ones grieving mind.
“ Mum, I’ll
call you back,” Sasha says when she sees me stood in the doorway.
She places her phone on the side and smiles softly. “Come on, let’s
go for a walk.”
I shake my head, “I can’t face
the outside world yet Sash. Please don’t make me.”
She frowns slightly, so
slightly I barely see it. “Sure. Let’s play a board game then.”
“ No thanks.”
I sit on the stool, my head resting on my hands. “You can leave if
you have to. You have classes and a job.”
Sasha quirks a brow at me, “I
have been leaving. Have you been getting out of bed at all while
I’ve been gone?”
She’s been gone? “Sorry.”
“ I’m worried
about you,” this is said in kindness, her tone screams of sincerity
and concern.
“ Me too,” I
mutter and stare out of the window. “Why’d he leave me,
Sasha?”
“ He
didn’t.”
I shake my head, “Spare me the
spiritual bullshit.”
“ Shall we
cook something?” I shake my head in response. “I’m going to cook us
something.”
“ I’m going
back to bed,” I whisper and climb back off the stool.
“ I’m just
trying to help.”
I nod, my face as blank as my
soul. “I know babe and I’m sorry your efforts are lost on me.”
“ It’ll get
better,” she clasps my hand with her own and gazes at me with warm
eyes. “I promise it’ll get better.”
No it won’t. I don’t say this
though, I just retreat back to my naked bed and pull a pillow over
my head. I lie here in darkness waiting for it to consume me. Then
I realise… it already has.
******
We have to drive for three and
a half hours to get to the funeral. So do all of our friends from
town which is irritating. The journey doesn’t end quickly enough
and when we get there I keep my eyes on my shoes until I’m seated.
I don’t absorb anything, I daren’t.
I do scan the room though, I
want to see how many people Caleb touched in his short life.
I’m grateful when no one talks
to me from his side, although I doubt they even know who I am. I’m
just some knocked up woman in a navy dress. There was no way I was
going to wear black. Caleb wouldn’t have wanted me to.
His family sit on the opposite
side of the room, they don’t look at me. Not that I care.
I’m watching the coffin be
carried by people I don’t know. I glance around at
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