faces I’ve never
seen and then glance at the ones I have. They’re all sad, all of
them. I don’t get it, it’s almost like his life has been split in
half. On one side of the room, the side I’m sat on, is everyone
from my town that knew him. On the other is everyone from his old
life, before I knew him. They’re all formal and distant with each
other. On my side everyone clings to each other. It’s strange. I
could never imagine Caleb on the opposite side, I can’t imagine him
ever being distant and aloof, especially not such a traumatic
time.
His picture sits on top of his
casket, baby blue flowers spell his name along the sides. It hurts,
I can’t look at his picture it slices me too deep.
His mother cries, his dad sheds
a tear, his brother doesn’t. His brother sits with a stern
expression on his face looking more bored than anything. Why are
they even here? They disowned him! Sure I know that they sorted
this funeral out and the wake, because Caleb and I aren’t married
therefore I’m apparently lucky to be here according to a harsh
whisper from his mother to his brother.
Lucky?
I don’t care. I don’t care
about any of them.
It's
emotional but I can contain my emotion and the urge to cry
uncontrollably by focusing my thoughts on other people in the room,
the flowers, the vicar and only the odd tear falls. The pain is
indescribable but it’s also shadowed by a numbness I’ve never felt.
I feel like I’m on the outside looking in, my soul is scratching at
the surface, wanting to leave my body and go with him. It’s an
almost desperate feeling of loneliness and nothingness, almost as
if there’s no longer a heart in my chest and only a gaping pit of
despair. My skin tingles and my eyes blink the tears that blur my
vision. I don’t want to miss this. I’m sadistic but I need to see
it. I need to feel it.
Until the
moment the curtains close and the coffin goes on the conveyor into
the furnace only small tears fall, tears that aren’t sure what
emotion it is they carry in their watery depths. Grief, pain,
sorrow, anger… I feel it all. Confusion. Why is this happening? I
shouldn’t be here. We should be at home feeling my bump and talking
about what colours to paint the nursery.
I realise
this is it, this is real; he’s leaving me. I will never see Caleb’s
face or hear him talk again. I want to jump onto the conveyor make
them stop and beg the funeral director to take the body back so I
can have a few more days looking at him and talking to him.
But I know it’s not possible, the dam breaks and the tears
fall. Tears of sorrow, tears of loss and grief and every emotion
that solidifies just how lonely and distraught I feel.
I can’t even say goodbye. I’m
scared if I try to connect with him in the slightest way I’ll start
screaming and I won’t stop. The sobs are already bad enough. Will
this pain ever end?
He goes up in flames and that’s
it, time for the wake but I don’t go to that. Instead I travel back
home with all of my friends and go to our local. We sit and chat
about memories while I sip an orange juice and try to join in.
After a few long minutes of forcing conversation I find a quiet
corner and slowly die inside.
I had the man every woman
wants.
And now I don’t.
It feels like the end.
Just… The End.
I wish I could drink my sorrows
away, this isn’t getting easier. Sasha and Tommy have left to go
back to University and their lives. I know I should move but I
can’t. The most I can do is lie in bed and pretend I’m somebody
else. Pretend he’s here beside me.
They can’t stay any longer plus
they feel like they’re not helping.
I’m a lost cause. I have
nobody.
Well… I have nobody I want, I
only want him. His family haven’t called and I don’t want them too.
I have enough to deal with. I have bills to pay that I can’t afford
and I’m having a baby in five months.
FIVE MONTHS!
It’s been a week since the
funeral and my mum still hasn’t
seen and then glance at the ones I have. They’re all sad, all of
them. I don’t get it, it’s almost like his life has been split in
half. On one side of the room, the side I’m sat on, is everyone
from my town that knew him. On the other is everyone from his old
life, before I knew him. They’re all formal and distant with each
other. On my side everyone clings to each other. It’s strange. I
could never imagine Caleb on the opposite side, I can’t imagine him
ever being distant and aloof, especially not such a traumatic
time.
His picture sits on top of his
casket, baby blue flowers spell his name along the sides. It hurts,
I can’t look at his picture it slices me too deep.
His mother cries, his dad sheds
a tear, his brother doesn’t. His brother sits with a stern
expression on his face looking more bored than anything. Why are
they even here? They disowned him! Sure I know that they sorted
this funeral out and the wake, because Caleb and I aren’t married
therefore I’m apparently lucky to be here according to a harsh
whisper from his mother to his brother.
Lucky?
I don’t care. I don’t care
about any of them.
It's
emotional but I can contain my emotion and the urge to cry
uncontrollably by focusing my thoughts on other people in the room,
the flowers, the vicar and only the odd tear falls. The pain is
indescribable but it’s also shadowed by a numbness I’ve never felt.
I feel like I’m on the outside looking in, my soul is scratching at
the surface, wanting to leave my body and go with him. It’s an
almost desperate feeling of loneliness and nothingness, almost as
if there’s no longer a heart in my chest and only a gaping pit of
despair. My skin tingles and my eyes blink the tears that blur my
vision. I don’t want to miss this. I’m sadistic but I need to see
it. I need to feel it.
Until the
moment the curtains close and the coffin goes on the conveyor into
the furnace only small tears fall, tears that aren’t sure what
emotion it is they carry in their watery depths. Grief, pain,
sorrow, anger… I feel it all. Confusion. Why is this happening? I
shouldn’t be here. We should be at home feeling my bump and talking
about what colours to paint the nursery.
I realise
this is it, this is real; he’s leaving me. I will never see Caleb’s
face or hear him talk again. I want to jump onto the conveyor make
them stop and beg the funeral director to take the body back so I
can have a few more days looking at him and talking to him.
But I know it’s not possible, the dam breaks and the tears
fall. Tears of sorrow, tears of loss and grief and every emotion
that solidifies just how lonely and distraught I feel.
I can’t even say goodbye. I’m
scared if I try to connect with him in the slightest way I’ll start
screaming and I won’t stop. The sobs are already bad enough. Will
this pain ever end?
He goes up in flames and that’s
it, time for the wake but I don’t go to that. Instead I travel back
home with all of my friends and go to our local. We sit and chat
about memories while I sip an orange juice and try to join in.
After a few long minutes of forcing conversation I find a quiet
corner and slowly die inside.
I had the man every woman
wants.
And now I don’t.
It feels like the end.
Just… The End.
I wish I could drink my sorrows
away, this isn’t getting easier. Sasha and Tommy have left to go
back to University and their lives. I know I should move but I
can’t. The most I can do is lie in bed and pretend I’m somebody
else. Pretend he’s here beside me.
They can’t stay any longer plus
they feel like they’re not helping.
I’m a lost cause. I have
nobody.
Well… I have nobody I want, I
only want him. His family haven’t called and I don’t want them too.
I have enough to deal with. I have bills to pay that I can’t afford
and I’m having a baby in five months.
FIVE MONTHS!
It’s been a week since the
funeral and my mum still hasn’t
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