make you happy,” he dragged me down the Midway
to the games. We walked up to the dart game and he pointed up to
all the stuffed animals. “Pick a prize. I’ll win it for
you.”
I turned to him and
laughed. “No, you don’t have to do that.”
“ I know I don’t have to .
. . I want to. I want to make you smile. You have a beautiful
smile,” he said as he gently rubbed my arm.
My body tensed, and my
heart dropped. I suddenly felt guilt wash over me. I shouldn’t be
here. Jonathan felt my sudden change. He took my hand. “Hey, it’s
ok. We are here to have fun. You want that big, pink kitty
cat?”
I felt a smile forming. He
was right we were here to have a good time. Why am I beating myself
up, I’m not doing anything wrong? “Yes, the big, pink kitty!” I
said excitedly.
As we walked through the
fair, Jonathan stopped at the beer tent and bought us some beers.
The alcohol was easing my guilt, and I was really starting to let
go. I turned to him and said, “Let’s go on some rides!”
He had a huge grin on his
face, and we ran back to the Midway, like two little kids. We rode
the roller coaster, the water ride, and went into a few fun houses.
When we came off our last ride, he picked me up and spun me around.
He let me down slowly, and we were face to face. I started to feel
a bit light headed and flushed. I wasn’t sure if it was the buzz or
the fact that I really liked him. His face slowly moved towards
mine, and I put my lips on his and kissed him hard. He began
kissing me back with just as much force. My heart was pumping, and
my body was tingling. I realized my pain was gone, just like that.
I had found something to wash it away. . . . Alcohol and
sex.
I continued to explain to Garrett
everything that had happened that night. Jonathan wasn’t my
boyfriend. I had gone out on a double date with my roommate and her
boyfriend. “I didn’t want to go, he meant nothing to me,” I cried
softly.
“ Oh, Leila, I’m...I didn’t
know. I saw you there with him and it killed me inside. I thought
you had moved on,” he said to me caressing my face.
“ After I saw you there
with him, I shut down. I felt nothing. At first I got drunk a lot
but that didn’t help. I was so sick of not feeling anything. I
decided to inflict pain on myself. I decided to get a tattoo. As
soon as the needle hit my skin I could feel again. It was like a
drug. I couldn’t stop. I would feel good for a while until the pain
faded away. Then there was emptiness again. I would have to go back
to get another one, just to feel something––anything,” he said with
sorrow in his voice.
Thoughts were rushing through my head.
I clenched my eyes shut. I was so angry at him and myself. To know
he had come back for me, and I was with another guy. I felt
nauseous. I began to cough and gag. I needed to get away. I turned
to leave, but he grabbed my arm.
“ Don’t walk away from me,”
he said.
I could smell alcohol on his breath.
He pulled me towards him, and I shoved him with all my might.
“Don’t touch me,” I cried. My chest was heaving.
I couldn’t bear to be face to face
with him. I wanted to hurt him, like he had hurt me. “Why don’t you
go back to your girlfriend?” I yelled. “You seemed to be having a
great time hanging all over her at the wedding and the
club!”
I turned my back to him, but he
grabbed me again and spun me around. I went to slap him again, this
time, he caught me by the wrist.
“ Don’t push me away,” he
said calmly.
I looked him straight in the eyes and
said, “I hate you.” He flinched. Then he pushed me against the wall
and I shoved him back. “I said don’t fucking touch me!” I
yelled.
He came at me again, pinned my arms to
the wall and kissed me. I could taste the Jack Daniels on his
tongue. I tried to fight him. However he was too strong. I tried to
hold my tears back but they began to roll down my
cheeks.
He pulled me closer to him and lifted
me up. I wrapped my legs
to the games. We walked up to the dart game and he pointed up to
all the stuffed animals. “Pick a prize. I’ll win it for
you.”
I turned to him and
laughed. “No, you don’t have to do that.”
“ I know I don’t have to .
. . I want to. I want to make you smile. You have a beautiful
smile,” he said as he gently rubbed my arm.
My body tensed, and my
heart dropped. I suddenly felt guilt wash over me. I shouldn’t be
here. Jonathan felt my sudden change. He took my hand. “Hey, it’s
ok. We are here to have fun. You want that big, pink kitty
cat?”
I felt a smile forming. He
was right we were here to have a good time. Why am I beating myself
up, I’m not doing anything wrong? “Yes, the big, pink kitty!” I
said excitedly.
As we walked through the
fair, Jonathan stopped at the beer tent and bought us some beers.
The alcohol was easing my guilt, and I was really starting to let
go. I turned to him and said, “Let’s go on some rides!”
He had a huge grin on his
face, and we ran back to the Midway, like two little kids. We rode
the roller coaster, the water ride, and went into a few fun houses.
When we came off our last ride, he picked me up and spun me around.
He let me down slowly, and we were face to face. I started to feel
a bit light headed and flushed. I wasn’t sure if it was the buzz or
the fact that I really liked him. His face slowly moved towards
mine, and I put my lips on his and kissed him hard. He began
kissing me back with just as much force. My heart was pumping, and
my body was tingling. I realized my pain was gone, just like that.
I had found something to wash it away. . . . Alcohol and
sex.
I continued to explain to Garrett
everything that had happened that night. Jonathan wasn’t my
boyfriend. I had gone out on a double date with my roommate and her
boyfriend. “I didn’t want to go, he meant nothing to me,” I cried
softly.
“ Oh, Leila, I’m...I didn’t
know. I saw you there with him and it killed me inside. I thought
you had moved on,” he said to me caressing my face.
“ After I saw you there
with him, I shut down. I felt nothing. At first I got drunk a lot
but that didn’t help. I was so sick of not feeling anything. I
decided to inflict pain on myself. I decided to get a tattoo. As
soon as the needle hit my skin I could feel again. It was like a
drug. I couldn’t stop. I would feel good for a while until the pain
faded away. Then there was emptiness again. I would have to go back
to get another one, just to feel something––anything,” he said with
sorrow in his voice.
Thoughts were rushing through my head.
I clenched my eyes shut. I was so angry at him and myself. To know
he had come back for me, and I was with another guy. I felt
nauseous. I began to cough and gag. I needed to get away. I turned
to leave, but he grabbed my arm.
“ Don’t walk away from me,”
he said.
I could smell alcohol on his breath.
He pulled me towards him, and I shoved him with all my might.
“Don’t touch me,” I cried. My chest was heaving.
I couldn’t bear to be face to face
with him. I wanted to hurt him, like he had hurt me. “Why don’t you
go back to your girlfriend?” I yelled. “You seemed to be having a
great time hanging all over her at the wedding and the
club!”
I turned my back to him, but he
grabbed me again and spun me around. I went to slap him again, this
time, he caught me by the wrist.
“ Don’t push me away,” he
said calmly.
I looked him straight in the eyes and
said, “I hate you.” He flinched. Then he pushed me against the wall
and I shoved him back. “I said don’t fucking touch me!” I
yelled.
He came at me again, pinned my arms to
the wall and kissed me. I could taste the Jack Daniels on his
tongue. I tried to fight him. However he was too strong. I tried to
hold my tears back but they began to roll down my
cheeks.
He pulled me closer to him and lifted
me up. I wrapped my legs
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