kissed five guys in my life, they all sucked except for my first kiss. No matter, I let three of them put their hands up my shirt because I remembered how good it felt the first time, but only that first guy ever made it feel good. Two of them shoved their hands down my pants but I kneed them in the balls because I’m saving that part of me for that one guy, the only one whose lips and hands ever felt good on me.” I curse myself under my breath. Why can’t I just have normal conversations with Luca? Why do I always have to get so pissed off and needy?
“Jude, I don’t want to know that shit. I don’t want to think about someone besides me touching you, kissing you, getting to see your naked body. It hurts, it would hurt you too. I don’t want to hurt you.”
“That’s such crap, Luca. Aren’t I supposed to be finding a nice guy, one that I deserve? Isn’t that what you want for me? I assume, when I find this nice guy, you want me to marry him and let him make sweet love to me. That’s your dream, right?”
“No, Jude.” I can hear the anger in his voice. I have to stop. When he gets angry it does something to him, makes him become distant from me. I don’t want that. “When you find him, I have to let you go. I don’t want to see that shit.”
I try to stay calm, but that pisses me off. I can’t have him but if I ever move on he’s just going to leave me. Not even going to be my friend. “You know as well as I do that there is never going to be anyone but you. I’m going to be the one who has to see you move on with someone else because it will never be me. And you know what else? I’ll still love you; I’ll still be your friend. I won’t cut you out of my life just because you don’t love me like I love you.” My thumb hovers over the end button. I’m so fucking pissed, at him, but mostly at the idea of him with someone else and the pathetic fact that I won’t leave him, even after he’s moved on.
“What the hell happened here?” He’s forcing his words through his clenched teeth, I can hear the familiar hiss. “Why the fuck are we talking about this shit, Jude? I don’t want to think about this. It pisses me off. I don’t want to have to keep telling you this - there is no one for me. There will never be anyone. If I could have someone I would choose you. Now quit telling me about the boys who have touched you and how I’m going to move on from you. You don’t know what you’re doing.” His words are angry and panicked and I start to worry. Why am I doing this to him?
“I’m sorry. I’m sorry, Luca. I don’t know why I said those things. I’m sorry.”
He’s silent on the other end; the only noise is his controlled breathing. He’s slowly climbing off the ledge I almost pushed him over. “I don’t want to see you move on. I didn’t want you here; I didn’t want to see that.”
“I know.” I want to repeat that I will never move on, but that might send him back towards the ledge. When he gets like this I don’t know what his triggers are. I’m bad for him. The uncensored words that spill out of my mouth, the way I’m always pushing him and ignoring the things he tells me he wants, he needs… it’s all very bad for him. “I’m sorry,” I say again.
“I don’t want you thinking about this, I don’t want you wondering, I never want to have this conversation again so I will tell you. I have had sex with one woman. It was a stupid attempt to get over you and so fucked up I can’t even think about it. You are the only girl I want and if I ever thought that I would be weak enough to sleep with you, I wouldn’t have ever done it. But I don’t think that’s somewhere I can go with you. I will never come back from that. I don’t know how I’m going to come back from last night. I don’t want to hurt you. I’ve never wanted to hurt you. I know the way I deal with the way I feel about you is fucked up sometimes, but I don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t
“Jude, I don’t want to know that shit. I don’t want to think about someone besides me touching you, kissing you, getting to see your naked body. It hurts, it would hurt you too. I don’t want to hurt you.”
“That’s such crap, Luca. Aren’t I supposed to be finding a nice guy, one that I deserve? Isn’t that what you want for me? I assume, when I find this nice guy, you want me to marry him and let him make sweet love to me. That’s your dream, right?”
“No, Jude.” I can hear the anger in his voice. I have to stop. When he gets angry it does something to him, makes him become distant from me. I don’t want that. “When you find him, I have to let you go. I don’t want to see that shit.”
I try to stay calm, but that pisses me off. I can’t have him but if I ever move on he’s just going to leave me. Not even going to be my friend. “You know as well as I do that there is never going to be anyone but you. I’m going to be the one who has to see you move on with someone else because it will never be me. And you know what else? I’ll still love you; I’ll still be your friend. I won’t cut you out of my life just because you don’t love me like I love you.” My thumb hovers over the end button. I’m so fucking pissed, at him, but mostly at the idea of him with someone else and the pathetic fact that I won’t leave him, even after he’s moved on.
“What the hell happened here?” He’s forcing his words through his clenched teeth, I can hear the familiar hiss. “Why the fuck are we talking about this shit, Jude? I don’t want to think about this. It pisses me off. I don’t want to have to keep telling you this - there is no one for me. There will never be anyone. If I could have someone I would choose you. Now quit telling me about the boys who have touched you and how I’m going to move on from you. You don’t know what you’re doing.” His words are angry and panicked and I start to worry. Why am I doing this to him?
“I’m sorry. I’m sorry, Luca. I don’t know why I said those things. I’m sorry.”
He’s silent on the other end; the only noise is his controlled breathing. He’s slowly climbing off the ledge I almost pushed him over. “I don’t want to see you move on. I didn’t want you here; I didn’t want to see that.”
“I know.” I want to repeat that I will never move on, but that might send him back towards the ledge. When he gets like this I don’t know what his triggers are. I’m bad for him. The uncensored words that spill out of my mouth, the way I’m always pushing him and ignoring the things he tells me he wants, he needs… it’s all very bad for him. “I’m sorry,” I say again.
“I don’t want you thinking about this, I don’t want you wondering, I never want to have this conversation again so I will tell you. I have had sex with one woman. It was a stupid attempt to get over you and so fucked up I can’t even think about it. You are the only girl I want and if I ever thought that I would be weak enough to sleep with you, I wouldn’t have ever done it. But I don’t think that’s somewhere I can go with you. I will never come back from that. I don’t know how I’m going to come back from last night. I don’t want to hurt you. I’ve never wanted to hurt you. I know the way I deal with the way I feel about you is fucked up sometimes, but I don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t
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