you’ll let me.”
“Yeah, I’ll let you. Listen, I’m sorry about last night. I shouldn’t have asked you the question if I didn’t want the answer. Now that I’m forced to think about it I guess it was stupid of me to assume that you were waiting for me. It just hurts knowing that you would give another girl something that you won’t give me. I don’t want anyone having a part of you that I can’t have. It doesn’t seem fair. It hurts me.”
Her words feel like a direct punch to my heart. She’s right, it’s not fair. My hand holds tighter to hers, but I can’t speak. I don’t have anything to say to that.
“I know you love me more than you loved her but I want you so much, Luca. I’ve wanted you for so long. There is a girl out there who knows what it’s like to have you inside of her. It should have been me. You should have given that to me before her.”
FFFUUUUUUCK . She’s killing me. Making me hate myself. “You’re right. I didn’t plan it, it was never my intention. I never wanted it. I only wanted…”
“Stop, Luca. Don’t say it. I’m so tired of hearing that bullshit, please don’t say it. I’m trying to not be angry at you. I’m trying to understand, so please don’t mention my name when you talk about the girl you’ve been with. I don’t want to talk about it anymore.”
“I’m sorry,” I say under my breath.
“You’re going to keep hurting me and you’re going to keep saying you’re sorry until you get over this shit in your head. I don’t want to hear it anymore. I get it. Every time you hurt me, I’ll just assume you’re sorry. You don’t need to keep saying it.”
“Fuck, Jude,” I say.
“Bad choice of words,” she mutters.
Fuck . I think silently. “Can I see you when you’re done with class? Can you come over for a while? I need to be with you.”
“Sure, Luca, whatever you need. I’m here to make you happy.”
“Don’t, Jude.”
She stops and turns to look at me. “I’ll stop, I’ll forget about all of this because I know you’re not trying to hurt me. I know you love me even though you’re super shitty about showing me that. But Luca, while I’m here, while we’re doing whatever the hell it is we’re doing, are you going to be sleeping with people? Because I need to know that. I don’t want to cramp your style, but I don’t think that’s something I can handle.”
“God, Jude, no. Never. As long as you’re part of my life I will never touch anyone but you. I promise you that. You are the only one I want. You are the only girl I have ever been attracted to. You are the only one I’ve ever loved.”
“Please come get me after class. I want to be with you. I miss you.”
The blood rushes through my body. I feel my muscles giving out. I need this girl to love me. “Thank you,” I say, bending down and taking her face in my hand. When her lips conform to mine I feel a hundred different emotions in my body, in my mind. Mostly I feel nourished, full, satisfied. She is my sustenance.
Jude walks out of the English building with a tall, blonde guy who’s walking way too close to her. I recognize him. He buys from Miles… runs some campus open mic poetry reading b.s. that Miles made me stop by one night. I hated his pompous ass instantly. His mouth is moving, he’s making hand gestures and smiling at her, but it’s obvious she wants him to go away. She’s scanning the open courtyard for me and when she finally sees me walking towards her, relief spreads over her face and her shoulders relax. When I reach her, the guy is still trying to impress Jude; sounds like with his knowledge of Faulkner. I interrupt him by taking her backpack, then taking her lips in mine. She kisses me back and the guy finally shuts up.
“See you later, man,” I tell the guy, taking a hold of Jude’s hand and walking her away.
“Asshole,” I hear him mutter under his breath. I’m tempted to acknowledge his comment, but I don’t, not
“Yeah, I’ll let you. Listen, I’m sorry about last night. I shouldn’t have asked you the question if I didn’t want the answer. Now that I’m forced to think about it I guess it was stupid of me to assume that you were waiting for me. It just hurts knowing that you would give another girl something that you won’t give me. I don’t want anyone having a part of you that I can’t have. It doesn’t seem fair. It hurts me.”
Her words feel like a direct punch to my heart. She’s right, it’s not fair. My hand holds tighter to hers, but I can’t speak. I don’t have anything to say to that.
“I know you love me more than you loved her but I want you so much, Luca. I’ve wanted you for so long. There is a girl out there who knows what it’s like to have you inside of her. It should have been me. You should have given that to me before her.”
FFFUUUUUUCK . She’s killing me. Making me hate myself. “You’re right. I didn’t plan it, it was never my intention. I never wanted it. I only wanted…”
“Stop, Luca. Don’t say it. I’m so tired of hearing that bullshit, please don’t say it. I’m trying to not be angry at you. I’m trying to understand, so please don’t mention my name when you talk about the girl you’ve been with. I don’t want to talk about it anymore.”
“I’m sorry,” I say under my breath.
“You’re going to keep hurting me and you’re going to keep saying you’re sorry until you get over this shit in your head. I don’t want to hear it anymore. I get it. Every time you hurt me, I’ll just assume you’re sorry. You don’t need to keep saying it.”
“Fuck, Jude,” I say.
“Bad choice of words,” she mutters.
Fuck . I think silently. “Can I see you when you’re done with class? Can you come over for a while? I need to be with you.”
“Sure, Luca, whatever you need. I’m here to make you happy.”
“Don’t, Jude.”
She stops and turns to look at me. “I’ll stop, I’ll forget about all of this because I know you’re not trying to hurt me. I know you love me even though you’re super shitty about showing me that. But Luca, while I’m here, while we’re doing whatever the hell it is we’re doing, are you going to be sleeping with people? Because I need to know that. I don’t want to cramp your style, but I don’t think that’s something I can handle.”
“God, Jude, no. Never. As long as you’re part of my life I will never touch anyone but you. I promise you that. You are the only one I want. You are the only girl I have ever been attracted to. You are the only one I’ve ever loved.”
“Please come get me after class. I want to be with you. I miss you.”
The blood rushes through my body. I feel my muscles giving out. I need this girl to love me. “Thank you,” I say, bending down and taking her face in my hand. When her lips conform to mine I feel a hundred different emotions in my body, in my mind. Mostly I feel nourished, full, satisfied. She is my sustenance.
Jude walks out of the English building with a tall, blonde guy who’s walking way too close to her. I recognize him. He buys from Miles… runs some campus open mic poetry reading b.s. that Miles made me stop by one night. I hated his pompous ass instantly. His mouth is moving, he’s making hand gestures and smiling at her, but it’s obvious she wants him to go away. She’s scanning the open courtyard for me and when she finally sees me walking towards her, relief spreads over her face and her shoulders relax. When I reach her, the guy is still trying to impress Jude; sounds like with his knowledge of Faulkner. I interrupt him by taking her backpack, then taking her lips in mine. She kisses me back and the guy finally shuts up.
“See you later, man,” I tell the guy, taking a hold of Jude’s hand and walking her away.
“Asshole,” I hear him mutter under his breath. I’m tempted to acknowledge his comment, but I don’t, not
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