Becoming Me by Melody Carlson Page B

sort of horrified look on his face, and suddenly I realize what’s up. He is there with Belinda!
    Now I’m just a few feet away and I don’t know what to do. Should I turn around and go back? By then my dad’s recovered enough to wave me over to his table, smiling as if it’s the most normal thing in the world to have your daughter catch you eating dinner with “the other woman.” So I continue to his table, thinking maybe I’m wrong, maybe he’s just with a business acquaintance (I mean I’ve never seen the woman before). But no, he introduces her as Belinda Lithgow. And I note right offthat she is 1) sort of youngish (maybe in her twenties) 2) a pretty redhead, and 3) looking at my dad like he’s Mr. Wonderful!
    Well, it’s more than I can handle and I just abruptly walk away without even saying how do you do? or goodbye or anything. When I get back to my table, Beanie and Zach notice immediately that something is definitely wrong. My hands are shaking and I’m close to tears. But we’ve already ordered our pizza so I know we can’t just leave. I explain what happened and the two of them are sympathetic and supportive, and by the time our pizza arrives, my dad and his “girlfriend” are leaving.
    Now, I’m getting all angry and furious, and I start to bluster about this Belinda chick, saying, “How can she do this? She knows he’s married and yet she’s willing to break up our whole family just to have him,” and lots of angry stuff like that.
    Finally, Beanie reaches over and puts her hand on my shoulder and says, “Maybe you shouldn’t be so hard on her, Caitlin. I mean, remember when you went after Josh Miller knowing full well that he and Jenny were still together?” Well, that sure shut me up fast. Not that I greatly appreciate Beanie’s comparison (and it’s not like Josh and Jenny were married), but then again I guess she does make a valid point. Thankfully, Zach changes the subject, and I decide not to hold anything against Beanie—even if it did hurt my feelings a little. (I know we’re supposed to keep forgiving each other. We talked about that in youth group lastweek—seven times seventy—which is supposed to stand for infinity or something really huge like that.)
    Now I’m sitting here in my room, thinking about how Beanie was probably right. I mean, I suppose I was a little bit like Belinda. And, man, if that doesn’t make me feel lower than dirt. To think that Belinda and I actually have such a despicable thing in common is truly a shock to the system (not to mention totally humiliating). I guess I shouldn’t judge her so much. I still don’t feel like I can forgive her—I don’t even know if I can forgive Dad. To tell you the truth, all this forgiveness business has me just a little bit worried.
    Of course that reminds me that I need to forgive myself too. Clay talked about that in youth group. He said if we don’t forgive ourselves, it can be really hard to receive God’s forgiveness (not to mention forgiving others). But now (big painful groan!) I’m also wondering if I don’t need to ask Jenny Lambert to forgive me. And anything would be easier than that . I cannot, for the life of me, imagine crawling back to Jenny to apologize for what it feels like they did to me. Wasn’t I sort of the victim there? Or maybe not. I don’t know for sure. Beanie’s comments paint this whole picture in a brand new light, and I don’t like what I’m seeing. Maybe it’s like they say: The truth hurts.
    PLEASE, GOD, SHOW ME WHAT TO DO. HELP ME TO FORGIVE ALL THESE PEOPLE (IF YOU WANT ME TO). MAYBE I DO NEED TO GO AND TALK TO JENNY, I’M JUST NOT SURE. PLEASE SHOW ME HOW AND WHEN TO DO IT. AND PLEASE,HELP ME TO FORGIVE MYSELF FOR BEING THE “OTHER WOMAN” WHO TRIED TO COME BETWEEN JOSH AND JENNY. I CAN SEE NOW HOW WRONG THAT WAS. THANK YOU, I GUESS, FOR LETTING ME SEE MYSELF FOR WHAT I REALLY AM, EVEN IF I DON’T LIKE IT VERY MUCH. PLEASE HELP ME TO CHANGE. AMEN.

TWELVE
March