Ant Farm: And Other Desperate Situations

Ant Farm: And Other Desperate Situations by Simon Rich

Book: Ant Farm: And Other Desperate Situations by Simon Rich Read Free Book Online
Authors: Simon Rich
Tags: Humor, General, Essay/s, Parodies, Form
our thoughts are with you
    Dear Mrs. Matthews,
    I am writing to express my deepest sympathies. I shared your last note with Caleb’s classmates and they made a card (which I have enclosed). Ten funerals in three weeks is a lot to ask of any child, let alone a child like Caleb, who has already suffered so many family deaths this month. At first, as humiliating as it is to admit, I thought your son had forged the notes. But denial quickly gave way to grief. I understand he has another funeral to attend on Wednesday and that it will last until Friday. Please let him know that he can take as much time off as he needs. I would volunteer to drop off Caleb’s homework myself, but I understand that your house recently exploded. Of all the tragedies that have befallen your family, this one saddened me the most. For a house tosuddenly explode, without warning, destroying a child’s backpack and books, is very upsetting, particularly in the midst of your High Voodoo Holidays.
    I was also deeply saddened to learn that your son had suffered brain damage and could no longer complete his social studies assignments. To be hit with such a misfortune, on top of Tourette’s, is a blow to any child’s self-esteem, especially when that child is retarded.
    Incidentally, I understand that Caleb has recently taken on some serious community service projects. I totally understand Caleb’s devotion to the blind, particularly in light of his own blindness. But I’m worried that his extracurricular activities might interfere with his school-work, especially on top of the pressures of his upcoming Voodoo Bar Mitzvah. Of course, it’s your decision.
    I would also like to take this opportunity to congratulate you on your son’s recent achievement! To be named an FBI super-spy at such a young age is an amazing accomplishment, particularly for a child who suffers from so many varied forms of brain damage. He hasn’t told me much about his mission, but from what I gather it sounds like an incredible opportunity. I’m going to miss his presence in the classroom next year, but it would be selfish of me to stand in his way. Caleb’s country needs him more than I do. He belongs in Russia.
    Rest assured: I haven’t told anyone about Caleb’s mission, not even the principal. I am honored that Caleb felt he could trust me with top secret information, and I would never betray that trust.
Godspeed,
Mr. Marks

math problems
    U NIT 4 T EST
Please show your work .
    1. A name-brand bottle of rum costs $12.95. The generic brand sells for $7.50. If a math teacher buys 4 bottles of generic rum each week, how much does he save each month? How much does he save each year? How much money does the teacher save over the course of 11 years?
    2. A math teacher’s new apartment is approximately 12 ft. long and 5 ft. wide, and the bathroom takes up 50% of the apartment. A normal human-size bed is 6 ft. × 3 ft. Does the math teacher have enough room for a standard bed? Or will he have to sleep in some kind of dog bed?
    3. By order of the high courts, a math teacher must keep 1,000 ft. away from his ex-wife at all times. Say, theoretically, she lives on 63rd and York, exactly halfway between the math teacher’s apartment and his school. How far out of his way does the teacher have to walk every morning just to keep from getting arrested?
    4. After 11 years of service, a math teacher receives an $80 gift certificate to Shaw’s Gas in lieu of a raise. How much of that money will be left after taxes? Express in bottles of rum.
    5. A math teacher is frightened 95% of the time. How many hours a day is he frightened? What is he so afraid of?

              
    II

:(
    i used 2 B a typical teenage girl, gossiping with my gal friends on the weekends (I luv U guys!) throwing slumber parties (zzzzzzz!) That was B4 i contracted hepatitis C.
    Sometimes i ask myself, “Y? Y has the lord 4saken me? R U there God? Have U 4gotten me?” i’m trying 2 B positive, but

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