were also times that Abby gave me a reason to keep breathing. She needed me. And now she doesn’t…or maybe she does…but now I will never know. Just because she has new ladybug clothes and a bicycle doesn’t mean that she is really being taking care of, right? The photo doesn’t tell me anything about how she is feeling inside.
While I was talking last night, Ellie and Angel Bones fell asleep curled around me. They both snored, but it was a quiet and soft kind of snore. But Daddy and Wanna listened all the way until I was finished talking.
I told Daddy and Wanna a little bit about my dreams and nightmares about the orphanage. I talked the most about the ones that included Abby.
I wanted to stop talking and suck back in all of the words that had already come out. But I couldn’t do it. I kept going on and on like my mouth had a broken zipper.
Every once in awhile, as I was talking, Daddy would squeeze my hand or Wanna would run her fingers through my hair. I kept my eyes closed the entire time.
When I finally stopped talking, Wanna and Daddy were silent and waited to make sure that I was finished.
Then Daddy whispered—
Ok Baby Girl, let’s get you out from under here and into your bed. It has been a long night for you and it is time for rest.
His arms reached under my body and pulled me out from under the bed and placed me on top of the bed and slid me under my covers. I felt heavy in my body and tired by my memories.
Wanna pulled Ellie and Angel Bones out and placed them on top of the bed next to me. They didn’t wake up.
Daddy and Wanna looked at each other as if they were unsure of what they were supposed to say next. I didn’t care what they said. I just wanted to close my eyes again.
Wanna said—
Good night, An-Ya. Thank you for taking me on an adventure with you, even if it was a sad adventure. Knowing your past helps me understand.
I thought she was going to start crying because her breathing became heavy and her voice was breaking.
Daddy said—
Good night, Baby Girl. Wishing you sweet dreams.
He blew me a kiss that I didn’t return.
And then they were gone and I was left with the two small snoring bodies that slept through most of my sad adventure and didn’t seem like they were about to wake up anytime soon. I was too tired to figure out how to move them.
How strange that Daddy called me…Baby Girl?
It doesn’t feel like I have ever been a baby girl. To anyone. Ever. It feels like as soon as I was put in that box by Them that I became a person just trying to live and figure out how to keep living to the next day. Baby Girl? I was never a baby as far as I can remember.
But for a moment, as Daddy was holding me, I believed that maybe I could be a baby girl. Maybe the baby in me is not gone forever. Maybe it has been inside me all along.
I am tired. I need to go back to sleep.
129
Dear Penny,
Wanna made us chocolate chip pancakes this morning and she smiled at me a lot. The pancakes tasted very good, and smelled wonderful, but Wanna smiling so much was uncomfortable. Ellie kept saying how yummy to her tummy the pancakes were. It was a little cute the first time she said it, but she kept going on and on during the entire meal.
After pancakes I asked Wanna to borrow some of her poetry books. She didn’t ask me why. She just smiled again, pulled some books off of the hallway shelves, and handed them to me. I tried to smile back at her, but I know my smile was much smaller than hers.
I took the books to my room and studied the ones that I could understand. Many of the poems were written in this old style of English and I couldn’t tell what the poem was even about.
I didn’t read all of them because most of them were boring. None of them seemed to be written about how I felt about Levi.
There was this one poem that I liked that was written by an American poet. It was interesting that the poet didn’t use capital letters even when he signed his name. The poem was about carrying
While I was talking last night, Ellie and Angel Bones fell asleep curled around me. They both snored, but it was a quiet and soft kind of snore. But Daddy and Wanna listened all the way until I was finished talking.
I told Daddy and Wanna a little bit about my dreams and nightmares about the orphanage. I talked the most about the ones that included Abby.
I wanted to stop talking and suck back in all of the words that had already come out. But I couldn’t do it. I kept going on and on like my mouth had a broken zipper.
Every once in awhile, as I was talking, Daddy would squeeze my hand or Wanna would run her fingers through my hair. I kept my eyes closed the entire time.
When I finally stopped talking, Wanna and Daddy were silent and waited to make sure that I was finished.
Then Daddy whispered—
Ok Baby Girl, let’s get you out from under here and into your bed. It has been a long night for you and it is time for rest.
His arms reached under my body and pulled me out from under the bed and placed me on top of the bed and slid me under my covers. I felt heavy in my body and tired by my memories.
Wanna pulled Ellie and Angel Bones out and placed them on top of the bed next to me. They didn’t wake up.
Daddy and Wanna looked at each other as if they were unsure of what they were supposed to say next. I didn’t care what they said. I just wanted to close my eyes again.
Wanna said—
Good night, An-Ya. Thank you for taking me on an adventure with you, even if it was a sad adventure. Knowing your past helps me understand.
I thought she was going to start crying because her breathing became heavy and her voice was breaking.
Daddy said—
Good night, Baby Girl. Wishing you sweet dreams.
He blew me a kiss that I didn’t return.
And then they were gone and I was left with the two small snoring bodies that slept through most of my sad adventure and didn’t seem like they were about to wake up anytime soon. I was too tired to figure out how to move them.
How strange that Daddy called me…Baby Girl?
It doesn’t feel like I have ever been a baby girl. To anyone. Ever. It feels like as soon as I was put in that box by Them that I became a person just trying to live and figure out how to keep living to the next day. Baby Girl? I was never a baby as far as I can remember.
But for a moment, as Daddy was holding me, I believed that maybe I could be a baby girl. Maybe the baby in me is not gone forever. Maybe it has been inside me all along.
I am tired. I need to go back to sleep.
129
Dear Penny,
Wanna made us chocolate chip pancakes this morning and she smiled at me a lot. The pancakes tasted very good, and smelled wonderful, but Wanna smiling so much was uncomfortable. Ellie kept saying how yummy to her tummy the pancakes were. It was a little cute the first time she said it, but she kept going on and on during the entire meal.
After pancakes I asked Wanna to borrow some of her poetry books. She didn’t ask me why. She just smiled again, pulled some books off of the hallway shelves, and handed them to me. I tried to smile back at her, but I know my smile was much smaller than hers.
I took the books to my room and studied the ones that I could understand. Many of the poems were written in this old style of English and I couldn’t tell what the poem was even about.
I didn’t read all of them because most of them were boring. None of them seemed to be written about how I felt about Levi.
There was this one poem that I liked that was written by an American poet. It was interesting that the poet didn’t use capital letters even when he signed his name. The poem was about carrying
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