All New People by Zach Braff Page A

and allow me to attempt to rent your parents’ ridiculously expensive beach house to this nice Jewish couple Miriam and Irving Goldberg. Please, fucker, I’m begging you.
    He stares at her a beat. Lights a cigarette.
    Charlie       Go ahead.
    Emma       Thank you.
    She sits there. After a beat.
    Charlie       Well, where are they?
    Emma       They’re not here yet. They said they were on their way. But they’re old and Jewish; it could be hours. They said they had to first pick up their grandson, Saul. Why Saul needs to come, I have no idea. Personally I think they’re gonna try and set me up with him. With Saul, a dentist. A dentist who does amateur dramatics. He probably wears
Les Mis
t-shirts to the gym. Jesus Christ; do you mind if I have a drink?
    Before he can answer, she pulls a liquor bottle out of her purse and takes a swig.
    Emma       I’m sorry, I’m being completely insensitive and bloody fucking selfish. I suck at being human; desperation has made me evil. So I apologize . . . New chapter: why were you trying to do yourself in? And why hanging; it seems to be the most aggressive of all methods. Haven’t you any pills?
    Charlie       I have pills.
    Emma       Really. What have you got?
    Charlie       Xanax, Valium, Klonopin.
    Emma       Party, party, party. We could turn this day around for both of us real quick, couldn’t we? I’m just kidding. Well not really; but that’s irrelevant. Back to you . . . What put you over the edge?
    Charlie       I really don’t wanna talk about it.
    Emma       Well what’s the point in being coy about it now? If you’re gonna do it, you’re gonna do it, right? They always say that people who really wanna do themselves in are gonna find a way. (
Realizing.
) Maybe God sent you me and the Goldbergs for one last shot at talking you out of it. Don’t you believe in fate? I’m sorry what’s your name?
    Charlie       Charlie.
    Emma       Don’t you believe in fate, Charlie? Here you are, in an empty beach house, on a deserted island, in the middle of the fucking winter, moments away from ending it all, when in I walk. Does that give you no pause? Maybe God sent me to provide you with some sort of . . . access to the doors of your mind that remain rusted closed.
    Beat.
    Emma       Sorry. I should tell you that I am super stoned right now. So if I say silly nonsense like that, you’re gonna have to forgive me.
    Charlie       Sure. Look I . . .
    Emma       You want me to go.
    Charlie       You seem like you’re a very nice person –
    Emma       Really?
    Charlie       No. And I don’t wanna be rude . . .
    Emma       But you’ve got things to do . . . Hmmm. You know you’ve put me into a smidgen of a moral conundrum here; you do realize that, Charlie. I don’t think I can leave.
    Charlie       And why is that?
    Emma       I think I may have been sent here to help. You may believe that or not depending on where you stand on God and fate and destiny and all that; it’s none of my business. But I do know that it’s a little bizarre I walked in when I did since I wasn’t even gonna show them this house because it’s outside their price range. This morning they called up andasked to see it. Out of the blue. Spooky. A religious person might think God intervened. I don’t know what you believe, but . . . Jesus or Moses or Muhammad, Vishnu, who’s the one with the arms? The elephant with all the arms?
    Charlie       Ganesh.
    Emma       Ganesh. I doubt it was Ganesh; don’t know what his deal was, but it doesn’t