All New People by Zach Braff Page B

strike me as him.
    But whoever your God is, I think may have channeled an intervention through two cranky old Jews from the Newark suburbs. I think I’m here to help. So why did you tie a noose around your neck my new friend?
    Charlie       To put it as simply as possible: I’m not happy.
    Emma       Who is? Have you ever met anyone that’s happy for longer than fifteen minutes every once in a while? If they told you they were, they were full of shit. Who told you you were owed happiness?
    Charlie       I don’t think I’m owed anything.
    Emma       A man gives his child a million dollars and says, ‘Son, this is everything I’ve worked for, go enjoy your life.’ The kid comes back the next day and says, ‘Thanks for the million, Dad, but I’d also like a fucking robot sidekick.’ Is that kid a dick?
    Charlie       What the fuck are you talking about?
    Emma       Isn’t that you ? You’re the dickhead kid asking for a robot sidekick when you’ve already gotten a million dollars. God gave you life and you’ve come back to whine for happiness. Life should be enough. Take life and walk . . . be grateful.
    Charlie       OK look, I can see that you’re a little out of sorts, so I’m gonna say this as kindly as possible. I don’t give a fuck about God. Now I suppose it’s obvious, I’ve got a couple things on my mind. But don’t you fucking dare stroll in here and just splatter your religion all over the room, OK?
    A cell phone rings.
    Emma       You know I’m not really sure what the etiquette is in this situation. Should I not get that?
    Charlie       Go ahead.
    Emma       Normally I wouldn’t; and I agree with you that it’s a little weird because of the nature of what you’re sharing. But the truth is, I’m expecting an important delivery and this pertains to that.
    Charlie       Go ahead.
    She answers. Attempts to be covert.
    Emma       Hello? . . . Myron; thank God. Look; can you come by the big house in Loveladies. Well I came over here to show these people the house and it turns out someone’s trying to hang himself in the living room . . . No, I’m not shitting you . . . Yes I have to get this all sorted out before they arrive; I imagine it will be a bit hard for them to envision playing Jenga in the summertime if they think some suicidal ghost is gonna be swinging over their heads . . .
    She notices
Charlie
staring at her.
    Emma       OK, I should go.
    She hangs up. He stares at her.
    Emma       You know, even as I said that I realized it was crass. That was my friend, Myron.
    Charlie       Awesome.
    Emma       So you were saying . . .
    Charlie       I wasn’t saying anything. Look, would you mind terribly waiting outside for your friend?
    Emma       It’s freezing outside! I can be quiet. I won’t say another word.
    Charlie       I don’t think that’s possible.
    Emma       No. I can do that.
    Charlie       I’m pretty sure you can’t. I’d literally bet my life on it.
    Emma       We could have like a meditation.
    Charlie       No meditation. Just quiet. No talking. You’ll just wait for your friend in silence. You’ll get whatever it is he’s delivering and then be off on your merry little way.
    Emma       No. You’re right. Peace and fucking quiet. Amen. I talk too much when I’m nervous. Sorry . . . I don’t know why I’m so nervous . . . I mean I know why I am, I suppose, the circumstances are . . . unique. But I can handle it.
    Charlie       OK.
    Emma       I just