just like its dad does. I return Kye’s smile and it’s like a weight has been lifted. I should never have kept him out of the loop. We should be celebrating together, everything I’ve faced pales in comparison. This will be a new chapter, no uncertainties, with Kye by my side I can face anything, I can achieve everything. I can live the life I should always have been living. I have a man that adores me, flaws and all and together we’ve made a baby. A baby that deep down I knew I loved already and was fooling myself all along. We’re having a baby! I want to shout it from the rooftops. It’s scary and life changing but exciting and fulfilling all in one.
I wake with a jolt at some point, my dream still playing. I need to tell Kye. I need to see his reaction for real, not as a dream. I’m smiling, feeling serene, and guided by the dream I want to see his smile too. I need to apologise and explain my apprehension. I go to move but the cramps are back and I feel wet. I roll over in bed and see Kye deado next to me. Even in sleep he looks conflicted. He’s troubled and my heart pangs with what I’ve been doing to this wonderful man. I want to reach out and touch him but another cramp slices through me and has me sucking in a breath. Without considering Kye I croak, “Lights on.” I throw back the cover to see why I’m wet and uncomfortable and I see red. It looks wrong. This is the lilac room, red clashes with lilac. Why is the sheet bright red? Am I still dreaming? I stare at it coating the white sheet, not quite grasping what it is I see. It’s like my mind knows but has gone into protection mode, it’s locked down momentarily and locked me out so I don’t have to face the horror.
My face is being stroked and I’m being spoken to gently. It’s such a nice voice, calming and soft, a voice like a cloud. I listen to it through a blurry haze of deafness. It reaches my ears as a lulled version, almost as though I have a protective barrier around me and nothing can penetrate it fully.
Red. Why are the sheets red?
The voice is still trying to get through like an annoying buzzing fly. It won’t stop. The gentle touching of my face becomes more hurried, urgent. The change in pace from gentle to domineering seems to pull me from a trance-like state and it’s as if my ears have popped. I can hear properly again but I have tunnel vision. I haven’t moved, I’m still staring at the spots of red but reality has slammed back in knocking the wind from me. I cringe as I look down at my body. My thighs are red also and seeing that colour on my skin makes me jump from the bed like lightning has struck me. I pull my knickers down which are saturated with small clots of blood coating them. Not a period. Oh my God, this is not a period!
Red. Blood red!
I look down at my bare feet. I’m ashamed. I’m stood nearly naked with blood covering the bottom half of me and I don’t know what to do. I hear a cry so painful I want to hold my hands over my ears. A high pitched, almost banshee like wail that rips at my heart. A cry of so much sorrow, despair, and hopelessness that it’s as if someone has seen into my shattered soul, witnessed every ounce of anguish, written it down and are now performing it as their masterpiece.
Hands are on my face again and then a face is hovering in front of me. Gorgeous hazel eyes are trying to lock on to mine, to get me to focus. I see his lips, mesmerising me as they part and move. I don’t hear his words but his lips are entrancing, and then I’m not standing. The room passes by me in a flash. The screeching has stopped. I’m placed down again but am unaware of my surroundings as water hits me and still I stand and stare down.
Red.
Red in the water, washing away.
Red swirling around my feet, touching my toes and taunting me as it says its last goodbye.
Why so much red?
Kye
This is the last thing I expected. Saunders wouldn’t tell me shit before he left. I went to get answers
I wake with a jolt at some point, my dream still playing. I need to tell Kye. I need to see his reaction for real, not as a dream. I’m smiling, feeling serene, and guided by the dream I want to see his smile too. I need to apologise and explain my apprehension. I go to move but the cramps are back and I feel wet. I roll over in bed and see Kye deado next to me. Even in sleep he looks conflicted. He’s troubled and my heart pangs with what I’ve been doing to this wonderful man. I want to reach out and touch him but another cramp slices through me and has me sucking in a breath. Without considering Kye I croak, “Lights on.” I throw back the cover to see why I’m wet and uncomfortable and I see red. It looks wrong. This is the lilac room, red clashes with lilac. Why is the sheet bright red? Am I still dreaming? I stare at it coating the white sheet, not quite grasping what it is I see. It’s like my mind knows but has gone into protection mode, it’s locked down momentarily and locked me out so I don’t have to face the horror.
My face is being stroked and I’m being spoken to gently. It’s such a nice voice, calming and soft, a voice like a cloud. I listen to it through a blurry haze of deafness. It reaches my ears as a lulled version, almost as though I have a protective barrier around me and nothing can penetrate it fully.
Red. Why are the sheets red?
The voice is still trying to get through like an annoying buzzing fly. It won’t stop. The gentle touching of my face becomes more hurried, urgent. The change in pace from gentle to domineering seems to pull me from a trance-like state and it’s as if my ears have popped. I can hear properly again but I have tunnel vision. I haven’t moved, I’m still staring at the spots of red but reality has slammed back in knocking the wind from me. I cringe as I look down at my body. My thighs are red also and seeing that colour on my skin makes me jump from the bed like lightning has struck me. I pull my knickers down which are saturated with small clots of blood coating them. Not a period. Oh my God, this is not a period!
Red. Blood red!
I look down at my bare feet. I’m ashamed. I’m stood nearly naked with blood covering the bottom half of me and I don’t know what to do. I hear a cry so painful I want to hold my hands over my ears. A high pitched, almost banshee like wail that rips at my heart. A cry of so much sorrow, despair, and hopelessness that it’s as if someone has seen into my shattered soul, witnessed every ounce of anguish, written it down and are now performing it as their masterpiece.
Hands are on my face again and then a face is hovering in front of me. Gorgeous hazel eyes are trying to lock on to mine, to get me to focus. I see his lips, mesmerising me as they part and move. I don’t hear his words but his lips are entrancing, and then I’m not standing. The room passes by me in a flash. The screeching has stopped. I’m placed down again but am unaware of my surroundings as water hits me and still I stand and stare down.
Red.
Red in the water, washing away.
Red swirling around my feet, touching my toes and taunting me as it says its last goodbye.
Why so much red?
Kye
This is the last thing I expected. Saunders wouldn’t tell me shit before he left. I went to get answers
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