berating himself. “I’m sorry Faith. You’re so normal I forget that there’s so much you weren’t taught or subjected to from being hidden away. Miscarrying is the spontaneous loss of a foetus before it’s able to survive independently.”
I look at him blankly. “Foetus is the baby, right?”
“Well technically at this early stage it isn’t a baby, but, yes.”
“Thank you, Saun – for everything. Your understanding, discretion and non-judgmental attitude. I feel better already.”
“Hey, I didn’t say I wasn’t judging you. I am. But not over this, over the way you’re blocking out the one person who should know, who could and would help. Y’ know the guy you love, who’d do anything for you. I don’t get it Faith, I thought you told each other everything?”
“I guess we don’t.” I shrug. I won’t be bullied or guilted into telling him. I’m not ready and there may be no need to tell anything. “You really believe he doesn’t keep things from me?”
“Maybe, but only when he’s trying to shield you from something.”
“Exactly,” I say. “That’s all I’m doing too - shielding him.”
“From what? He’ll likely be shocked but if I know him at all he’ll be happy to be a dad.”
“But what if I’m not happy to be a mum?”
“That’s the crux of the issue? You don’t want a baby?”
I feel the sharp scratch of the needle as it plunges into my skin but it doesn’t faze me. I’ve been a pincushion for years, this is nothing. “How could I? I don’t know how to be a mum. I’d be useless. We’re preparing to go back to my time, so much is resting on it. How could I drop this bomb now?”
“If you are pregnant, you can’t travel Faith.”
“I presumed as much. I just need time to get my head around it. I need to know for sure before I can decide.”
“Okay, I’m all done here. I’ll be back to see you tomorrow though. You’ll have your answer, one way or another.”
He packs up and leaves the room. Despite the amount of time I spent sleeping on the beach, I’m still beat. I strip off to my underwear then crawl under the covers, maybe I can get some rest before Kye comes charging back in. I remember our picnic this afternoon, how we laughed, how happy we both were. I spoilt it, I ruined his lovely treat then I exclude him from being with me for tests when all he’s doing is caring. I’m aware I’m being a bitch; I just can’t seem to dial it down right now. It’s almost as if I blame him for the predicament I feel I’m in. Ridiculous I know but I’m not ready to blame myself yet so he’ll have to suck it up ‘til my head’s right again.
My eyes start closing, they’re unbelievably heavy as though my eyelashes are a cord and they’re being pulled shut. I’m so tired they’re burning and I can’t fight against it. I succumb to sleep.
I dream about Saunders giving me the news that yes I am pregnant. Kye is by my side as he tells us and the adorable puppy like grin he shoots my way makes my knees weak. He’s overjoyed, he picks me up and twirls me around, his joy becoming mine. How could something that makes him so happy keep me down? I realise that all my worry is from not including him, worrying about his reaction and how it will affect his mission. But he doesn’t care, he’s going to be a dad and that fact alone puts everything else on hold. He’s kissing me, telling me how great I’ll be as a mum and I start believing. I can do this. He will show me how. Be there to guide me and with him as the dad this child would want for nothing. This child will be the most loved because they will have him. Kye won’t let me fail, he’ll teach me, and for the first time, I feel that prickle of excitement.
I rub my hand over my flat stomach, mesmerised by the fact that I have life growing inside me. A tiny person that Kye and I made. Another person to love... family. I will finally have the family I’ve longed for. This baby will love me regardless
I look at him blankly. “Foetus is the baby, right?”
“Well technically at this early stage it isn’t a baby, but, yes.”
“Thank you, Saun – for everything. Your understanding, discretion and non-judgmental attitude. I feel better already.”
“Hey, I didn’t say I wasn’t judging you. I am. But not over this, over the way you’re blocking out the one person who should know, who could and would help. Y’ know the guy you love, who’d do anything for you. I don’t get it Faith, I thought you told each other everything?”
“I guess we don’t.” I shrug. I won’t be bullied or guilted into telling him. I’m not ready and there may be no need to tell anything. “You really believe he doesn’t keep things from me?”
“Maybe, but only when he’s trying to shield you from something.”
“Exactly,” I say. “That’s all I’m doing too - shielding him.”
“From what? He’ll likely be shocked but if I know him at all he’ll be happy to be a dad.”
“But what if I’m not happy to be a mum?”
“That’s the crux of the issue? You don’t want a baby?”
I feel the sharp scratch of the needle as it plunges into my skin but it doesn’t faze me. I’ve been a pincushion for years, this is nothing. “How could I? I don’t know how to be a mum. I’d be useless. We’re preparing to go back to my time, so much is resting on it. How could I drop this bomb now?”
“If you are pregnant, you can’t travel Faith.”
“I presumed as much. I just need time to get my head around it. I need to know for sure before I can decide.”
“Okay, I’m all done here. I’ll be back to see you tomorrow though. You’ll have your answer, one way or another.”
He packs up and leaves the room. Despite the amount of time I spent sleeping on the beach, I’m still beat. I strip off to my underwear then crawl under the covers, maybe I can get some rest before Kye comes charging back in. I remember our picnic this afternoon, how we laughed, how happy we both were. I spoilt it, I ruined his lovely treat then I exclude him from being with me for tests when all he’s doing is caring. I’m aware I’m being a bitch; I just can’t seem to dial it down right now. It’s almost as if I blame him for the predicament I feel I’m in. Ridiculous I know but I’m not ready to blame myself yet so he’ll have to suck it up ‘til my head’s right again.
My eyes start closing, they’re unbelievably heavy as though my eyelashes are a cord and they’re being pulled shut. I’m so tired they’re burning and I can’t fight against it. I succumb to sleep.
I dream about Saunders giving me the news that yes I am pregnant. Kye is by my side as he tells us and the adorable puppy like grin he shoots my way makes my knees weak. He’s overjoyed, he picks me up and twirls me around, his joy becoming mine. How could something that makes him so happy keep me down? I realise that all my worry is from not including him, worrying about his reaction and how it will affect his mission. But he doesn’t care, he’s going to be a dad and that fact alone puts everything else on hold. He’s kissing me, telling me how great I’ll be as a mum and I start believing. I can do this. He will show me how. Be there to guide me and with him as the dad this child would want for nothing. This child will be the most loved because they will have him. Kye won’t let me fail, he’ll teach me, and for the first time, I feel that prickle of excitement.
I rub my hand over my flat stomach, mesmerised by the fact that I have life growing inside me. A tiny person that Kye and I made. Another person to love... family. I will finally have the family I’ve longed for. This baby will love me regardless
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