Young and Revolting: The Continental Journals of Nick Twisp by C. D. Payne Page B

will teach the guy to cross Nick Twisp. I healed from the beating he gave me, but now he’s facing a lifetime of sitting down to pee. Serves him right.
    “ What’s Lance doing, Connie?”
    “ He’s put Mother’s nice new house on the market. And his nasty old mother just got custody of little Noel.”
    Noel Lance Wescott is my baby brother, who I recently dropped on the floor.
    “ But Lance isn’t even the father!”
    “ His name’s on the birth certificate. That’s proof enough for the stupid judge. I pity poor Noel being in the clutches of that family. So we need more money for Mother’s lawyers. You have to send us another $25,000.”
    “ What!”
    “ I know you’ve got the money, Nick. At least your wife does. So send me a check and I’ll lay off her charming brother. And have fun in Paris.”
    “ Did Paul tell you we were here?”
    “ Paul doesn’t have to tell me a damn thing. Send me the money!”
    I said I would see what I could do and rang off. Damn, why are Twisps such treacherous weasels? It’s no wonder I try to steer clear of my family as much as possible. Now I have to extract 25 grand from my loving wife. I might as well try to raise the Titanic!
    11:25 a.m. After Sheeni left on a cultural mission to the Musée Marmottan Monet, I subjected our apartment to an intensive Power Snoop. More thorough than a normal snoop, it demands great exactitude in returning every article to its original undisturbed state. One bra strap slightly misaligned in her lingerie drawer is enough to arouse the suspicions of my vigilant spouse. In an internal pocket of her French typewriter case, I discovered this recent letter from Trent Preston:
     
    Dear Sheeni,
    It was so nice to hear from you at last. Thanks for having the foresight to send your letter to my place of employment. You were correct in supposing Apurva might misconstrue any correspondence between us. I’m pleased to hear you made it at last to Paris. I envy your opportunities for cultural enrichment there as I load concrete bags on trucks and deal with the petty annoyances of high school in Ukiah. Still, Apurva is doing her best to make me happy and we are struggling to make a go of it. We’ve had a setback lately from an incident involving another woman and some unfortunate missteps on my part while under the influence of marijuana.
    Sorry, but I must respectively disagree with you re: your marriage. Even if your documents were not in order and some deception was involved, you stood before a judge and exchanged vows with another person. This cannot be dismissed as lightly as you suppose. I say this even as I must confess that I heartily disapprove of your choice in marriage partners.
    Forgive me if I overstep the bounds of friendship here, but I think you should consider that any child you might bring into this world would doubtless be an exceptional person. I believe this to be true even if the father was indeed that disreputable N. Twisp.
    [Thanks a pantsful, Trent!]
    In the long run (perhaps the very long run) the choice for you that might entail the least regrets would be to have the baby and give it up for adoption. I’m sure a worthy couple in France would be delighted to love and raise your beautiful child. I know that in the short term this choice would involve considerable hardship and sacrifice for you. Naturally, I will support and respect any decision you choose.
    I have heard from your parents and know they believe you to be somewhere in Mexico. They are frantic with worry, but were somewhat relieved by the information they received from Tijuana of your marriage. Although it is not in my nature to deceive people, I will do as you request and further in any way I can the general impression that you are residing south of the border.
    Apurva’s doing well and our baby’s development is right on track. It really is thrilling to watch his little heart beating on the scope. Such a miracle. Perhaps someday he’ll have a chance to meet your