Young and Revolting: The Continental Journals of Nick Twisp by C. D. Payne Page A

said, “Hi, Rick! You’re cu-u-ute!” I wonder who taught her that?
     
    TUESDAY, June 8 — Another middle-of-the-night phone call from a distraught Connie Krusinowski. She has met my sister Joanie and nephew Tyler. She encountered the new mother and Brobdingnagian infant at the county jail. They were visiting Sheeni’s brother Paul.
    “ What!” I exclaimed. “My sister doesn’t even know the guy.”
    “ She does now, Rick. Paulo saw the article about her in the Times and sent her a congratulatory card, signed ‘your brother-in-law Paul Saunders.’ So she looked him up. Christ, Rick, your sister’s throwing herself at my Paulo!”
    “ Now, Connie, don’t jump to conclusions. You don’t know that.”
    “ I saw all the obvious signs, guy.”
    “ Relax, Connie. My sister’s not that attractive. Paul would never go for her.”
    “ Don’t bet on it, Rick. All men subconsciously seek women capable of bearing children to perpetuate their genes. That’s why they’re attracted to wide hips and big boobs. So there she is flaunting her fecundity by showing off that monstrous baby. She’s single, available, and has already proven she can deliver the big genetic package. I could sense Paulo was smitten. And God knows she’s in desperate need of a husband.”
    “ Connie, you’re making a mountain out of a molehill.”
    “ That Tyler is no molehill, Rick. He’s a giant fucking freak! Besides, all women are attracted to guys who are incarcerated.”
    “ They are?”
    “ It’s a proven fact, Rick. Why else do you suppose all those murderers on death row receive so many marriage proposals? That’s why you need to call your sister and tell her to lay off my Paulo.”
    “ Connie, be reasonable.”
    “ Listen, Rick, I’ve always been on your side. I stuck my neck out for you. But if your relatives start butting into my life, I can turn on you—fast.”
    “ Connie! You’d dime me to the feds?!”
    “ I don’t want to, guy. That’s why you have to get your damn sister to back off.”
    I never got back to bed. I sat there cursing on the toilet in the closet, then dialed my sister’s number in L.A. She answered on the third ring and seemed reasonably pleased to hear from me.
    “ Joanie, what’s that disgusting slurping sound?”
    “ I’m breast-feeding Tyler, Nick. He’s got a big appetite.”
    Total telephonic gross-out. Still, I persevered. I conveyed, in no uncertain terms, Connie’s message. My sister was not impressed.
    “ So that rich bitch doesn’t like me visiting her boyfriend, huh? Too bad for her. Nickie, why didn’t you tell me your girlfriend had such a cute brother? And what’s this I hear about your getting married?”
    “ Yeah, we got hitched in Tijuana. We’re living down in Mexico now. I’m having tacos every meal. Joanie, you’ve got to forget about Paul. He’s not the marrying kind, and he doesn’t dig chicks with children.”
    “ So what’s the real reason you want me to give him a pass?”
    As usual, my sister could see through me like a fluoroscope.
    “ Joanie, Connie is threatening to squeal on me to the feds.”
    “ You have the nicest friends, Nick. Not to mention you married a girl who already ratted on you once to the cops.”
    “ How did you know about that?”
    “ Paul told me.”
    “ Well, it was all a misunderstanding. She didn’t mean to.”
    Joanie sighed. “OK, Nick, we might be able to work out some kind of a deal.”
    Foolishly, I hadn’t anticipated sibling extortion.
    “ What sort of a deal, Joanie?”
    “ Not that you’re interested, Nick, but our mother goes on trial next month.”
    Unwisely entrusted with a gun by Lance Wescott (my repulsive cop stepfather), my homicidal mother was under arrest in Oakland for plugging him in the groin.
    Joanie continued, “Things are looking bad, Nick. Lance’s reconstructive surgery has failed. The guy’s pretty irate.”
    I could see where he might be, what with now being more capon than cop. That