if you need a friend, you have me."
I had to choke down the guilt that suddenly welled up within me. More unshed tears were now ready to betray my words again. "Thank you," I managed and then took a deep breath, looking away from him because I knew if I gave him any more eye contact, I'd lose it.
"I know how independent you are and I know how strong you are, Dulcie, but sometimes you need to break your barriers down and let people in. Sometimes you need to talk about things to get through them."
I faced him again and smiled, dropping my eyes to the ground as I realized he was completely right, but I couldn't open up to him. I couldn't talk to him about everything that was going on because it would put his life in jeopardy. "I'll see Sam tomorrow at work and we'll go to lunch," I said hollowly.
"No," Knight said, with an emphatic shake of his head, leaning forward as he did so. "You and Sam take the day off and spend some quality time together. I'll call her in the morning and tell her to expect you at nine a.m., bright and early."
"Knight, you don't have to do that," I started, but his lips were tight, his jaw clenched, which meant he would not be dissuaded. "Thank you," I said finally, allowing him to take each of my hands in his.
"I care about you, Dulcie," he said frankly. "And everything I said to you when we were in High Prison was true."
I felt my stomach turn. We both admitted our love for each other while rotting away in the main prison of the Netherworld. I was awaiting my sentence and Knight was basically sitting on death row. But as far as whatever we said or didn't say, I couldn't think about those things now. If I did, I knew it would break down my resignation as well as my dedication to doing what I had to do.
"Knight, I realize we were both under a lot of pressure when we were in the Netherworld," I started, hating the way it sounded, and, more so, having to pretend that Knight didn't mean as much to me as he did.
"Dulcie, I meant everything I said," he reiterated, his gaze just as penetrating as his tone. His hold on my hands tightened.
I nodded and said nothing, at a complete loss for words. Well, I knew what I had to say, but that didn't make it any easier. And so far, I was sucking at it.
"Did you mean everything you said?" he asked, after I was silent for a few more seconds.
And this was the moment when I knew I had to force the words out—I had to tell him that we couldn't be together any longer but the words seemed stuck in my throat, as if they were clinging to my tongue with all the strength left in them.
You have to do this! I screamed at myself. Knight's life depends on it! But I was still silent. For fuck's sake, Dulcie!
"Knight, I ..." I started.
Immediately, I could see the pain in his eyes. He knew what I was about to say—probably from my expression or maybe the tone of my voice or the words I’d just uttered . The expression of hope he'd shown earlier was suddenly gone, replaced with dejection. His eyes looked hollow.
"I don't want you to think I didn't mean what I said," I corrected myself quickly, hating myself for inflicting the pain in his eyes. "But things between us can't continue."
His glance was filled with angst but mostly anger. "Why?"
I swallowed hard, feeling as if my tongue was swelling and gagging me. It suddenly occurred to me that I couldn't blame all of this on my break-up baggage with my last boyfriend, Jack. Now it just seemed as if that excuse wouldn't hold weight. Why? Because the problems with Jack couldn’t hold a candle to everything that had happened between Knight and me. I mean, we'd openly admitted our undying love for each other! Those words were so strongly heartfelt and deep, I couldn't imagine anything I said now would hold weight. It was like I was just speaking in hypotheticals—in one-sided masks of reality that would easily fall over as soon as a gusty wind approached.
"I can't work with you and date you at the same time," I admitted at
I had to choke down the guilt that suddenly welled up within me. More unshed tears were now ready to betray my words again. "Thank you," I managed and then took a deep breath, looking away from him because I knew if I gave him any more eye contact, I'd lose it.
"I know how independent you are and I know how strong you are, Dulcie, but sometimes you need to break your barriers down and let people in. Sometimes you need to talk about things to get through them."
I faced him again and smiled, dropping my eyes to the ground as I realized he was completely right, but I couldn't open up to him. I couldn't talk to him about everything that was going on because it would put his life in jeopardy. "I'll see Sam tomorrow at work and we'll go to lunch," I said hollowly.
"No," Knight said, with an emphatic shake of his head, leaning forward as he did so. "You and Sam take the day off and spend some quality time together. I'll call her in the morning and tell her to expect you at nine a.m., bright and early."
"Knight, you don't have to do that," I started, but his lips were tight, his jaw clenched, which meant he would not be dissuaded. "Thank you," I said finally, allowing him to take each of my hands in his.
"I care about you, Dulcie," he said frankly. "And everything I said to you when we were in High Prison was true."
I felt my stomach turn. We both admitted our love for each other while rotting away in the main prison of the Netherworld. I was awaiting my sentence and Knight was basically sitting on death row. But as far as whatever we said or didn't say, I couldn't think about those things now. If I did, I knew it would break down my resignation as well as my dedication to doing what I had to do.
"Knight, I realize we were both under a lot of pressure when we were in the Netherworld," I started, hating the way it sounded, and, more so, having to pretend that Knight didn't mean as much to me as he did.
"Dulcie, I meant everything I said," he reiterated, his gaze just as penetrating as his tone. His hold on my hands tightened.
I nodded and said nothing, at a complete loss for words. Well, I knew what I had to say, but that didn't make it any easier. And so far, I was sucking at it.
"Did you mean everything you said?" he asked, after I was silent for a few more seconds.
And this was the moment when I knew I had to force the words out—I had to tell him that we couldn't be together any longer but the words seemed stuck in my throat, as if they were clinging to my tongue with all the strength left in them.
You have to do this! I screamed at myself. Knight's life depends on it! But I was still silent. For fuck's sake, Dulcie!
"Knight, I ..." I started.
Immediately, I could see the pain in his eyes. He knew what I was about to say—probably from my expression or maybe the tone of my voice or the words I’d just uttered . The expression of hope he'd shown earlier was suddenly gone, replaced with dejection. His eyes looked hollow.
"I don't want you to think I didn't mean what I said," I corrected myself quickly, hating myself for inflicting the pain in his eyes. "But things between us can't continue."
His glance was filled with angst but mostly anger. "Why?"
I swallowed hard, feeling as if my tongue was swelling and gagging me. It suddenly occurred to me that I couldn't blame all of this on my break-up baggage with my last boyfriend, Jack. Now it just seemed as if that excuse wouldn't hold weight. Why? Because the problems with Jack couldn’t hold a candle to everything that had happened between Knight and me. I mean, we'd openly admitted our undying love for each other! Those words were so strongly heartfelt and deep, I couldn't imagine anything I said now would hold weight. It was like I was just speaking in hypotheticals—in one-sided masks of reality that would easily fall over as soon as a gusty wind approached.
"I can't work with you and date you at the same time," I admitted at
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