expensive taste.’
‘Not me.’
‘A date?’
‘No, no. Well, not mine – we’re setting up a gay sculptor with a straight photographer. We did something very bad to his polar bear,’ I wince. ‘It’s a long story.’
Bonhomme places his bulky white arm around my shoulder. ‘All you have to do is go back up to the top of this road … ’
‘By the trompe l’oeil .’
‘If that’s how you want to pronounce it. Then go right and then left at Restaurant L’Initiale – which does great stuffed quail by the way – and then you’ll see Rue Saint-Antoine a bit further down on your right.’
I clasp my hands together like a swooning heroine. ‘Oh Bonhomme! How can I ever thank you!’
‘Would you like to take off your clothes?’
I blink back at him. ‘It’s got to be minus twenty!’
‘Not right now. In two days’ time.’
‘Is there some kind of heat wave coming?’
‘Two days from now we have the Bain de Neige at the Carnaval.’
‘Please tell me that does not translate as Snow Bath.’
‘Oh but it does. Great fun. I’d like to see you there. In your bikini.’
I feel a little uneasy. Should Bonhomme really be talking this way?
‘All I’m going to be wearing is a red hat.’
‘That’s practically all you’re wearing now,’ I observe. ‘Well, that and this waist sash, which you do wear rather high, if you don’t mind me saying.’
‘You want me to reposition it?’
‘No, no!’ I snort. ‘Who am I to restyle a fifty-seven-year-old icon?‘
‘Well, let’s at least see how it looks. Turn away while I untie it.’
I turn back to face the church. ‘Why do I feel you’re getting up to mischief?’
‘With these mittens?’
My laughter soon turns into a piercing scream.
‘You did not just do that!’
The not-so-little rascal just stuffed a handful of freezing snow down the back of my neck!
I scoop up an armful, looking for an opening in his costume to return the favour.
‘This isn’t fair – you’re all sealed up!’ I protest.
‘Look over there!’
He gets me again, this time with a snowball in the kidney region.
‘Right! That’s it!’
I scrabble on the ground and start pelting him with everything I can get my hands on.
I can’t believe I’m having a snowball fight with a snowman!
While he darts behind the tree, I start building a stack of ammo. I want to be ready to bombard him when he reappears.
‘Madame?’
I spin around and find three policemen staring down at me.
I drop the newest clomp of snow like it’s a brick I’m about to throw through a jeweller’s window.
‘S-sorry, is that not allowed? I didn’t mean to mess up the snow.’
‘Have you seen a man dressed as Bonhomme?’
‘Sshhh!’ I giggle. ‘You’re never supposed to acknowledge that there is a man inside. Bonhomme is real!’
‘Madame this is serious. We had a report of a sighting of him in this area.’
Is this some Carnival caper I don’t know about? Is there a hidden camera in that bust of Louis XIV? Are these policeman really actors?
‘Madame?’
‘He’s behind the tree!’
They hurtle to the other side.
Rien! Nothing!
What is it with men disappearing in my life? I’ve clearly missed my calling as a magician’s assistant.
‘But you did see him?’
‘Yes.’
‘And you speak with him?’
‘I did,’ I confirm. ‘I was lost, he gave me directions … ’
‘And that’s it?’
‘Um.’
‘He didn’t say anything else? Anything that could help us locate him?’
‘I think he’s going to be at the Bain de Neige event.’
‘Figures.’
A radio bleeps and conveys a message – there’s been a sighting down by the ferry…
The head policeman gives me his card. ‘If you remember anything else, please call us.’
I nod and watch them leave in a state of disbelief. Did all that really happen? I stand and watch the snowflakes softly falling, catching a few on the fingertips of my gloves. And then I take a picture of the church, to prove that
‘Not me.’
‘A date?’
‘No, no. Well, not mine – we’re setting up a gay sculptor with a straight photographer. We did something very bad to his polar bear,’ I wince. ‘It’s a long story.’
Bonhomme places his bulky white arm around my shoulder. ‘All you have to do is go back up to the top of this road … ’
‘By the trompe l’oeil .’
‘If that’s how you want to pronounce it. Then go right and then left at Restaurant L’Initiale – which does great stuffed quail by the way – and then you’ll see Rue Saint-Antoine a bit further down on your right.’
I clasp my hands together like a swooning heroine. ‘Oh Bonhomme! How can I ever thank you!’
‘Would you like to take off your clothes?’
I blink back at him. ‘It’s got to be minus twenty!’
‘Not right now. In two days’ time.’
‘Is there some kind of heat wave coming?’
‘Two days from now we have the Bain de Neige at the Carnaval.’
‘Please tell me that does not translate as Snow Bath.’
‘Oh but it does. Great fun. I’d like to see you there. In your bikini.’
I feel a little uneasy. Should Bonhomme really be talking this way?
‘All I’m going to be wearing is a red hat.’
‘That’s practically all you’re wearing now,’ I observe. ‘Well, that and this waist sash, which you do wear rather high, if you don’t mind me saying.’
‘You want me to reposition it?’
‘No, no!’ I snort. ‘Who am I to restyle a fifty-seven-year-old icon?‘
‘Well, let’s at least see how it looks. Turn away while I untie it.’
I turn back to face the church. ‘Why do I feel you’re getting up to mischief?’
‘With these mittens?’
My laughter soon turns into a piercing scream.
‘You did not just do that!’
The not-so-little rascal just stuffed a handful of freezing snow down the back of my neck!
I scoop up an armful, looking for an opening in his costume to return the favour.
‘This isn’t fair – you’re all sealed up!’ I protest.
‘Look over there!’
He gets me again, this time with a snowball in the kidney region.
‘Right! That’s it!’
I scrabble on the ground and start pelting him with everything I can get my hands on.
I can’t believe I’m having a snowball fight with a snowman!
While he darts behind the tree, I start building a stack of ammo. I want to be ready to bombard him when he reappears.
‘Madame?’
I spin around and find three policemen staring down at me.
I drop the newest clomp of snow like it’s a brick I’m about to throw through a jeweller’s window.
‘S-sorry, is that not allowed? I didn’t mean to mess up the snow.’
‘Have you seen a man dressed as Bonhomme?’
‘Sshhh!’ I giggle. ‘You’re never supposed to acknowledge that there is a man inside. Bonhomme is real!’
‘Madame this is serious. We had a report of a sighting of him in this area.’
Is this some Carnival caper I don’t know about? Is there a hidden camera in that bust of Louis XIV? Are these policeman really actors?
‘Madame?’
‘He’s behind the tree!’
They hurtle to the other side.
Rien! Nothing!
What is it with men disappearing in my life? I’ve clearly missed my calling as a magician’s assistant.
‘But you did see him?’
‘Yes.’
‘And you speak with him?’
‘I did,’ I confirm. ‘I was lost, he gave me directions … ’
‘And that’s it?’
‘Um.’
‘He didn’t say anything else? Anything that could help us locate him?’
‘I think he’s going to be at the Bain de Neige event.’
‘Figures.’
A radio bleeps and conveys a message – there’s been a sighting down by the ferry…
The head policeman gives me his card. ‘If you remember anything else, please call us.’
I nod and watch them leave in a state of disbelief. Did all that really happen? I stand and watch the snowflakes softly falling, catching a few on the fingertips of my gloves. And then I take a picture of the church, to prove that
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