too dangerous. So he called it all off. Told Brad that was it, the end. But that he'd keep Brad on the same salary anyway. He's nice, you know?"
The train on the tracks was suddenly very loud. "Did Brad tell you what Conall found?"
Kayla shook her head, slowly . "He didn't know. There was one guy Brad didn't run. American dude. He was the only guy Conall spoke to directly. When he told Brad it was getting too hot, he mentioned the American dude. But that he was calling all of them off. Although he also said you were one of the reasons he was doing it. So maybe I got my facts mixed up. Dunno."
It felt like my head was suddenly surrounded in ice.
"Am—American?"
"Yeah. Leo, you OK?"
My brain buzzed. "Um..." I frowned. "Maybe. When did Conall call it all off?"
She shrugged. "I think it was around that Switzerland trip. A little after."
I called Conall immediately. His phone was off.
American. Maybe I was overreacting. It didn't mean that's what he was doing there now. Did it? And what had been too dangerous? And why hadn't Brad been in touch with the American PI? Why did Conall run him alone? Did it have something to do with Raphael?
"Fuck," I said, not even realizing I was talking out loud.
"Leora, what is it?"
"What if this guy has something to do with Raphael, Kay? This American PI Conall was talking about." Millions of thoughts slammed against me. The main thought was that Conall was lying to me, 'for my own good.' Fuck! What if he was visiting this PI there? What if he was going looking for Raphael himself?
I thought of the guy they'd found floating in the river.
I texted Conall.
Leora: Call me AS SOON AS YOU LAND! Please. I'm worried about you.
My fingers grazed my forehead absently. And then I told Kayla everything I was thinking.
"Hell, if I was in your shoes," she said, "I'd be downright hijacking this train and turning it back out of fear for him!"
"Thanks. You sure know how to make a girl feel better."
My eyes stared at the open country flying by outside. I wanted to talk to Kayla about her wedding, I really wanted to. But all I heard were the train tracks. And the dissonant clangs of terrified screams in my head.
CHAPTER TEN
-1-
Dani picked us up at the train station. We may as well have been carrying pompoms the excitement was so loud. She'd put on a few pounds. "Troy likes me big," she said.
I didn't want to know...
The elation, however, made me realize what had been happening in the train. I'd had a panic attack. Plain and simple. Dr. Gehrig had told me that they could hit unexpectedly. I, for the life of me, could never figure out what triggered them. Probably just the threat of it, the unknownness of something.
He'd also told me the best thing for me to do was to look around and re-establish where I was, maybe even touch a few things like a chair, a table, anything in the immediate environment. But, to do that, I'd have to know I was in the middle of a panic-attack. In the train, I'd had no idea. You can't stop yourself from drowning if you don't know you're surrounded by water.
The three of us went to a place that sold only cake-slices and overpriced teas. Dani had stopped hanging out at the Starbucks "because they don't sell enough cake."
Right, so that explained the extra pounds.
The place was quaint and I wanted to sit outside until Dani said that our cakes would probably get eaten by scavenging seagulls and that she saw some kid having his taken straight out of his hands only two days ago. So we sat at the window, inside. Ninety percent of the clientele looked over seventy. I sank a little into my chair after remembering what we'd spoken about the last time we'd been together drinking coffee: Kayla telling Dani about my oral sex history...
Dani, unlike Alex, had never entered—what would you call it?—our 'inner circle.' After my ordeal, she'd come back to Seaford after visiting me at the hospital and then we'd lost touch. Completely. On the other hand, I was still in touch
The train on the tracks was suddenly very loud. "Did Brad tell you what Conall found?"
Kayla shook her head, slowly . "He didn't know. There was one guy Brad didn't run. American dude. He was the only guy Conall spoke to directly. When he told Brad it was getting too hot, he mentioned the American dude. But that he was calling all of them off. Although he also said you were one of the reasons he was doing it. So maybe I got my facts mixed up. Dunno."
It felt like my head was suddenly surrounded in ice.
"Am—American?"
"Yeah. Leo, you OK?"
My brain buzzed. "Um..." I frowned. "Maybe. When did Conall call it all off?"
She shrugged. "I think it was around that Switzerland trip. A little after."
I called Conall immediately. His phone was off.
American. Maybe I was overreacting. It didn't mean that's what he was doing there now. Did it? And what had been too dangerous? And why hadn't Brad been in touch with the American PI? Why did Conall run him alone? Did it have something to do with Raphael?
"Fuck," I said, not even realizing I was talking out loud.
"Leora, what is it?"
"What if this guy has something to do with Raphael, Kay? This American PI Conall was talking about." Millions of thoughts slammed against me. The main thought was that Conall was lying to me, 'for my own good.' Fuck! What if he was visiting this PI there? What if he was going looking for Raphael himself?
I thought of the guy they'd found floating in the river.
I texted Conall.
Leora: Call me AS SOON AS YOU LAND! Please. I'm worried about you.
My fingers grazed my forehead absently. And then I told Kayla everything I was thinking.
"Hell, if I was in your shoes," she said, "I'd be downright hijacking this train and turning it back out of fear for him!"
"Thanks. You sure know how to make a girl feel better."
My eyes stared at the open country flying by outside. I wanted to talk to Kayla about her wedding, I really wanted to. But all I heard were the train tracks. And the dissonant clangs of terrified screams in my head.
CHAPTER TEN
-1-
Dani picked us up at the train station. We may as well have been carrying pompoms the excitement was so loud. She'd put on a few pounds. "Troy likes me big," she said.
I didn't want to know...
The elation, however, made me realize what had been happening in the train. I'd had a panic attack. Plain and simple. Dr. Gehrig had told me that they could hit unexpectedly. I, for the life of me, could never figure out what triggered them. Probably just the threat of it, the unknownness of something.
He'd also told me the best thing for me to do was to look around and re-establish where I was, maybe even touch a few things like a chair, a table, anything in the immediate environment. But, to do that, I'd have to know I was in the middle of a panic-attack. In the train, I'd had no idea. You can't stop yourself from drowning if you don't know you're surrounded by water.
The three of us went to a place that sold only cake-slices and overpriced teas. Dani had stopped hanging out at the Starbucks "because they don't sell enough cake."
Right, so that explained the extra pounds.
The place was quaint and I wanted to sit outside until Dani said that our cakes would probably get eaten by scavenging seagulls and that she saw some kid having his taken straight out of his hands only two days ago. So we sat at the window, inside. Ninety percent of the clientele looked over seventy. I sank a little into my chair after remembering what we'd spoken about the last time we'd been together drinking coffee: Kayla telling Dani about my oral sex history...
Dani, unlike Alex, had never entered—what would you call it?—our 'inner circle.' After my ordeal, she'd come back to Seaford after visiting me at the hospital and then we'd lost touch. Completely. On the other hand, I was still in touch
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