Walking on Eggshells: Discovering Strength and Courage Amid Chaos by Lyssa Chapman Page B
Authors: Lyssa Chapman
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self-worth is not tied to money was one of the most significant lessons that living in Alaska taught me. With the trial behind me, I settled into life in Alaska permanently. One thing I loved about living in Anderson was that once a month Nick, my mother, and I made the ninety-mile drive northeast to Fairbanks. With roughly thirty thousand people living there in 1999, Fairbanks was the second-largest city in the state. To me the difference between small-town Anderson and the big city of Fairbanks was like night and day.
The trip was usually the first Saturday or Sunday of the month, after our welfare check came in. The night before we went I’d make sure to get to bed early, as we all had to get up at five-thirty in the morning to make the trip. When we got to Fairbanks we always stopped at a McDonald’s. Fast food was one of the things I missed most about living in rural Alaska. After abstaining for a month, McDonald’s food tasted so good!
My mother also scheduled doctors’ appointments and other errands to fall during our monthly trip. If you have ever lived in a small town, you know how limited goods and services can be. Everything other than our basic weekly shopping had to be done on this one day in Fairbanks.
The last errand on our list every month was a stop at Fred Meyer. Fred Meyer is a supermarket super center similar to Walmart—a store that has everything. We’d spend several hours at Fred Meyer,stocking up on everything we needed for the month, and then we’d make the long drive back to Anderson. It is amazing how much I came to appreciate and look forward to simple things such as shopping and fast food when they weren’t part of my daily life.
In June, my birthday rolled around once again. Unlike previous birthdays that were either nearly forgotten or imposed with a ton of family drama, this year I had no expectations about a celebration. We had no money for special gifts (much less a party), and I understood that because every penny was important to us my mother had to work at the bar that day.
That year June 10 fell on a Saturday, a day when my mother usually went into work in the morning to clean the grill and tidy up the bar. I got up late that morning, then wandered out into the kitchen. I was so pleased to find that my mother had left me a loving note and a beautiful pink rose from our garden on our kitchen table. The note read: T HE FIRST ROSE OF THE SUMMER BLOOMED ON YOUR BIRTHDAY . C OME DOWN TO THE D EW D ROP AND I WILL MAKE YOU A MILK SHAKE AND CHEESEBURGER . To this day that birthday stands out in my memory as my absolute best. That simple acknowledgment of my special day made me feel that my mother loved me and was glad I was born. Until then I hadn’t been sure that was the case.
Another thing I realized that day was that feeling loved, truly loved, was an unusual sensation for me. I knew my dad loved me and that my brothers and sisters did as well. But love was never acknowledged to me in such a tender manner.
When I was very small, Dad said “I love you” every night when he tucked me into bed. Later, when I was older, when he said the words it was usually before a punishment was handed down. “Because I love you so much I’m going to have to ground you” was heard a lot at our house when I lived with Dad. His way of expressing love and my mother’s were both heartfelt, but polar opposites. Since I have grown into adulthood I understand that this is a guy thing. Many men feel uncomfortable expressing their emotions as openly as women do. It doesn’t mean they love you less, they just show it differently than women. And besides, there is nothing quite as special as a mother’s love.
That’s why I felt that this simple, quiet note and the rose from my mother was a beautiful way to express a lovely sentiment. Once in a while life provides us with moments that are extraordinarily special, and that was one of those moments for me. I will never forget the gesture, or the
The trip was usually the first Saturday or Sunday of the month, after our welfare check came in. The night before we went I’d make sure to get to bed early, as we all had to get up at five-thirty in the morning to make the trip. When we got to Fairbanks we always stopped at a McDonald’s. Fast food was one of the things I missed most about living in rural Alaska. After abstaining for a month, McDonald’s food tasted so good!
My mother also scheduled doctors’ appointments and other errands to fall during our monthly trip. If you have ever lived in a small town, you know how limited goods and services can be. Everything other than our basic weekly shopping had to be done on this one day in Fairbanks.
The last errand on our list every month was a stop at Fred Meyer. Fred Meyer is a supermarket super center similar to Walmart—a store that has everything. We’d spend several hours at Fred Meyer,stocking up on everything we needed for the month, and then we’d make the long drive back to Anderson. It is amazing how much I came to appreciate and look forward to simple things such as shopping and fast food when they weren’t part of my daily life.
In June, my birthday rolled around once again. Unlike previous birthdays that were either nearly forgotten or imposed with a ton of family drama, this year I had no expectations about a celebration. We had no money for special gifts (much less a party), and I understood that because every penny was important to us my mother had to work at the bar that day.
That year June 10 fell on a Saturday, a day when my mother usually went into work in the morning to clean the grill and tidy up the bar. I got up late that morning, then wandered out into the kitchen. I was so pleased to find that my mother had left me a loving note and a beautiful pink rose from our garden on our kitchen table. The note read: T HE FIRST ROSE OF THE SUMMER BLOOMED ON YOUR BIRTHDAY . C OME DOWN TO THE D EW D ROP AND I WILL MAKE YOU A MILK SHAKE AND CHEESEBURGER . To this day that birthday stands out in my memory as my absolute best. That simple acknowledgment of my special day made me feel that my mother loved me and was glad I was born. Until then I hadn’t been sure that was the case.
Another thing I realized that day was that feeling loved, truly loved, was an unusual sensation for me. I knew my dad loved me and that my brothers and sisters did as well. But love was never acknowledged to me in such a tender manner.
When I was very small, Dad said “I love you” every night when he tucked me into bed. Later, when I was older, when he said the words it was usually before a punishment was handed down. “Because I love you so much I’m going to have to ground you” was heard a lot at our house when I lived with Dad. His way of expressing love and my mother’s were both heartfelt, but polar opposites. Since I have grown into adulthood I understand that this is a guy thing. Many men feel uncomfortable expressing their emotions as openly as women do. It doesn’t mean they love you less, they just show it differently than women. And besides, there is nothing quite as special as a mother’s love.
That’s why I felt that this simple, quiet note and the rose from my mother was a beautiful way to express a lovely sentiment. Once in a while life provides us with moments that are extraordinarily special, and that was one of those moments for me. I will never forget the gesture, or the
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