Walking on Eggshells: Discovering Strength and Courage Amid Chaos by Lyssa Chapman
Authors: Lyssa Chapman
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was a welcome thing.
I was also glad that I was staying in Alaska. It was quieter there,and I had friends. Plus, in Alaska I didn’t have to move all the time. Beth was also not constantly on me about my hair being messy or my room not being clean. I know Beth was trying to provide some structure in my life, and while I can look back with gratitude for her efforts now, when I was twelve her expectations just grated on me. There were no expectations—and there was no structure—at my mother’s. What twelve-year-old doesn’t like that?
★
The months wore on, and in the fall I started school in Anderson. We lived at 345 D Street, which was a little over a mile from the school. Mom didn’t have a car then, so every day Barbara and I walked to and from school. It wasn’t bad in the fall and spring, but in the winter our damp hair from our morning showers had frozen solid by the time we got to class.
The school itself was nice. All grades K to 12 went there, but there were only four classes: kindergarten to third grade, fourth grade through sixth, seventh and eighth, and ninth to twelfth.
Our principal was also the sports coach, science teacher, and math teacher. The gym had a rock climbing wall, and every student was assigned one of the orange lockers in the center of the building.
Our little family lived in a double-wide trailer, and our mother always made sure we had a good breakfast before we left for school. You might think that with her excessive drinking she would besomewhat disorganized at home, but that was not the case. She always kept a spotlessly clean and cozy house.
The school did not provide lunch, so Barbara and I trekked back to the house, where our mother often made chili cheese hot dogs for us. I loved those so much! Sometimes she’d go to work early and we’d have French fries at the Dew Drop Inn for lunch. If we were lucky, we’d catch a ride from another parent back to school.
I always try to look at every situation from the perspective of other people, and I can see how my mother must have been very stressed during this time of her life. Other than for Nick, she had not been a full-time mother since I was very small, and now she had four children to take care of. In addition, she had an older son from a previous marriage, Jason, who was grown and out on his own.
With the stress of being a single mother of five and having been abandoned by her husband, I think that as much as my mother wanted all of us to live with her, she wasn’t prepared for the day-to-day reality of it. Plus she always seemed to be the kind of person who had a hard time fitting in. Now she was a single mom with a ton of kids in a town of mostly married people. It is easy to see why the Dew Drop Inn, and all that lifestyle entailed, became her sanctuary.
★
Even though I tried not to think about it, with every day that passed a custody decision loomed closer. Right after this all beganI started having nightmares about my dad raping me. In my horrible dream we were back in the Motel 6. Before long I was too frightened to even try to sleep.
My mother sent me to a therapist and I was prescribed Trazodone, a tetracyclic used to treat depression and anxiety. This was the first of many drugs I would be prescribed. Eventually they would lead to a pill addiction, but for now my zombielike state made the adults in my life feel like they were doing something positive.
When I told Ericka my secret it never occurred to me that I would have to go to court. And I didn’t have the slightest thought that I would have to take the witness stand or that I would have to swear under oath that what I said was true. The hearing was also my big chance to set the record straight. All I had to do was tell everyone that I committed a lie of omission, that it wasn’t Dad. Instead, it was someone else. Unfortunately, I didn’t do that.
I have had many years to think about my words and actions. I was a messed-up kid for sure. I was doing
I was also glad that I was staying in Alaska. It was quieter there,and I had friends. Plus, in Alaska I didn’t have to move all the time. Beth was also not constantly on me about my hair being messy or my room not being clean. I know Beth was trying to provide some structure in my life, and while I can look back with gratitude for her efforts now, when I was twelve her expectations just grated on me. There were no expectations—and there was no structure—at my mother’s. What twelve-year-old doesn’t like that?
★
The months wore on, and in the fall I started school in Anderson. We lived at 345 D Street, which was a little over a mile from the school. Mom didn’t have a car then, so every day Barbara and I walked to and from school. It wasn’t bad in the fall and spring, but in the winter our damp hair from our morning showers had frozen solid by the time we got to class.
The school itself was nice. All grades K to 12 went there, but there were only four classes: kindergarten to third grade, fourth grade through sixth, seventh and eighth, and ninth to twelfth.
Our principal was also the sports coach, science teacher, and math teacher. The gym had a rock climbing wall, and every student was assigned one of the orange lockers in the center of the building.
Our little family lived in a double-wide trailer, and our mother always made sure we had a good breakfast before we left for school. You might think that with her excessive drinking she would besomewhat disorganized at home, but that was not the case. She always kept a spotlessly clean and cozy house.
The school did not provide lunch, so Barbara and I trekked back to the house, where our mother often made chili cheese hot dogs for us. I loved those so much! Sometimes she’d go to work early and we’d have French fries at the Dew Drop Inn for lunch. If we were lucky, we’d catch a ride from another parent back to school.
I always try to look at every situation from the perspective of other people, and I can see how my mother must have been very stressed during this time of her life. Other than for Nick, she had not been a full-time mother since I was very small, and now she had four children to take care of. In addition, she had an older son from a previous marriage, Jason, who was grown and out on his own.
With the stress of being a single mother of five and having been abandoned by her husband, I think that as much as my mother wanted all of us to live with her, she wasn’t prepared for the day-to-day reality of it. Plus she always seemed to be the kind of person who had a hard time fitting in. Now she was a single mom with a ton of kids in a town of mostly married people. It is easy to see why the Dew Drop Inn, and all that lifestyle entailed, became her sanctuary.
★
Even though I tried not to think about it, with every day that passed a custody decision loomed closer. Right after this all beganI started having nightmares about my dad raping me. In my horrible dream we were back in the Motel 6. Before long I was too frightened to even try to sleep.
My mother sent me to a therapist and I was prescribed Trazodone, a tetracyclic used to treat depression and anxiety. This was the first of many drugs I would be prescribed. Eventually they would lead to a pill addiction, but for now my zombielike state made the adults in my life feel like they were doing something positive.
When I told Ericka my secret it never occurred to me that I would have to go to court. And I didn’t have the slightest thought that I would have to take the witness stand or that I would have to swear under oath that what I said was true. The hearing was also my big chance to set the record straight. All I had to do was tell everyone that I committed a lie of omission, that it wasn’t Dad. Instead, it was someone else. Unfortunately, I didn’t do that.
I have had many years to think about my words and actions. I was a messed-up kid for sure. I was doing
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