finally stood up and went to the window. He stood behind Rush, wrapped
his arms around Rush’s waist, and said, “This only means we won’t see each other as
often. It doesn’t change the way we feel about each other.” He kissed the back of Rush’s
neck. “I’m sorry. I should have told you this earlier and we could have talked about it.”
Rush pressed his lips together. He took a deep breath through his nose, still
looking outside. He watched a squirrel jump from one branch to the other on his mother’s
favorite oak tree. Supposedly, the oak tree was even older than the house. The poor stupid
squirrel didn’t seem to know what it was doing or where it was going. It just darted back
and forth, jumping for the sake of jumping.
Lance kissed him again. “Are you okay?”
Rush smiled. His expression was blank and his voice was calm and even. “I
thought we were in love with each other. I thought the next step was for us to make plans
to live together as a couple. I guess I was wrong. I must have missed something.”
Lance pressed his hands against Rush’s waist and pulled him into his body. “We
are in love with each other. You haven’t missed anything. But you also know I’m not the
type to settle down with anyone. I never lied about that. I told you this the first night we
met.” Rush broke free from his arms and walked to the other side of the kitchen. He
turned to face Lance. He shrugged his shoulders and said, “I just thought things had
changed.” He felt ready to crumble into a thousand little pieces. His legs were weak and
his head was spinning. But he didn’t want Lance to see how physically upset he was. So
he squared his shoulders and said, “It’s okay, Lance. I’m fine. I guess I just wasn’t
looking at us with a realistic perspective.”
“So we’re okay,” Lance said. “We’re still going to continue as we have when I
come back to New York and you come out to Hollywood. You’re going to love
Hollywood.”
Lance frowned. The next words that came from his mouth, he knew, would be
some of the most difficult words he’d ever have to speak. But he didn’t want to be like
the squirrel outside the window; he didn’t want to spend the rest of his life jumping from
one branch to the other for no reason at all. “I think it’s best if we end this right now,” he
said. “You know how much I love you. I didn’t plan on falling in love with you. It just
happened. And I might not know exactly what I want in life, but I do know I can’t
continue to see you, knowing at the same time there will never be hope for a real
relationship. Don’t get me wrong. I didn’t move to New York to find a full-time partner.
It was the last thing on my mind. I wanted to find myself first. But then I met you and
everything changed. For the first time in my life, I could picture growing old with
someone. And I can’t pretend to be happy about the fact that you’re moving to
Hollywood now, and that if we remain the way we are, we’ll be nothing more than just
fuck buddies when you come back to New York. I want more than that.” “It doesn’t have to end,” Lance said. “I’m still in love with you. I just don’t want
a traditional relationship. I’m being honest.” He lifted his arms and spread them apart.
Rush smiled. He knew Lance was being honest with him; he couldn’t get angry.
“I understand. I’m not playing any games. I’m being honest with you, too. And I think
it’s best if we end this right now, on good terms.” Then he looked directly into Lance’s
eyes and said, “I mean this. I’ve never been more serious about anything in my life.”
“I’m sorry you feel that way,” Lance said. “But I understand.” He crossed to
where Rush was standing and kissed him on the cheek. “I’ll get my bag
his arms around Rush’s waist, and said, “This only means we won’t see each other as
often. It doesn’t change the way we feel about each other.” He kissed the back of Rush’s
neck. “I’m sorry. I should have told you this earlier and we could have talked about it.”
Rush pressed his lips together. He took a deep breath through his nose, still
looking outside. He watched a squirrel jump from one branch to the other on his mother’s
favorite oak tree. Supposedly, the oak tree was even older than the house. The poor stupid
squirrel didn’t seem to know what it was doing or where it was going. It just darted back
and forth, jumping for the sake of jumping.
Lance kissed him again. “Are you okay?”
Rush smiled. His expression was blank and his voice was calm and even. “I
thought we were in love with each other. I thought the next step was for us to make plans
to live together as a couple. I guess I was wrong. I must have missed something.”
Lance pressed his hands against Rush’s waist and pulled him into his body. “We
are in love with each other. You haven’t missed anything. But you also know I’m not the
type to settle down with anyone. I never lied about that. I told you this the first night we
met.” Rush broke free from his arms and walked to the other side of the kitchen. He
turned to face Lance. He shrugged his shoulders and said, “I just thought things had
changed.” He felt ready to crumble into a thousand little pieces. His legs were weak and
his head was spinning. But he didn’t want Lance to see how physically upset he was. So
he squared his shoulders and said, “It’s okay, Lance. I’m fine. I guess I just wasn’t
looking at us with a realistic perspective.”
“So we’re okay,” Lance said. “We’re still going to continue as we have when I
come back to New York and you come out to Hollywood. You’re going to love
Hollywood.”
Lance frowned. The next words that came from his mouth, he knew, would be
some of the most difficult words he’d ever have to speak. But he didn’t want to be like
the squirrel outside the window; he didn’t want to spend the rest of his life jumping from
one branch to the other for no reason at all. “I think it’s best if we end this right now,” he
said. “You know how much I love you. I didn’t plan on falling in love with you. It just
happened. And I might not know exactly what I want in life, but I do know I can’t
continue to see you, knowing at the same time there will never be hope for a real
relationship. Don’t get me wrong. I didn’t move to New York to find a full-time partner.
It was the last thing on my mind. I wanted to find myself first. But then I met you and
everything changed. For the first time in my life, I could picture growing old with
someone. And I can’t pretend to be happy about the fact that you’re moving to
Hollywood now, and that if we remain the way we are, we’ll be nothing more than just
fuck buddies when you come back to New York. I want more than that.” “It doesn’t have to end,” Lance said. “I’m still in love with you. I just don’t want
a traditional relationship. I’m being honest.” He lifted his arms and spread them apart.
Rush smiled. He knew Lance was being honest with him; he couldn’t get angry.
“I understand. I’m not playing any games. I’m being honest with you, too. And I think
it’s best if we end this right now, on good terms.” Then he looked directly into Lance’s
eyes and said, “I mean this. I’ve never been more serious about anything in my life.”
“I’m sorry you feel that way,” Lance said. “But I understand.” He crossed to
where Rush was standing and kissed him on the cheek. “I’ll get my bag
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