us?” It pained Leah deeply to think such things about her father.
“You idolized your father, Leah. You were Daddy’s little girl from the time you were born. In spite of everything that happened, I wanted you to have that illusion.”
“But it was all a lie!”
“No,” her mother said. “When he was in his right mind, it was true. But when he had an episode, when he heard voices telling him to protect you, even if it meant running away with you or hiding you, I panicked. One night I came home from work and he thought I was the Angel of Death come to snatch you away. That’s when I moved out. I didn’t have any place to go—my parents were dead, and Grandma Hall thought I was a horrible person for deserting her son. I found us adumpy little trailer in a crummy trailer park, but it was all I could afford. I worked nights, and a neighbor watched you. I married Don when you were five.”
Leah remembered the trailer more clearly than she did her first stepfather. He took off when she was six. The trailer remained her home until she was almost seven. When Leah’s mother would go to work, Leah would lie alone in the dark, terrified, listening to the sounds of the night outside her window. They had moved from the trailer into an apartment when Leah’s mother married her third husband. That marriage, too, had ended in divorce. Leah had been nine. But when Leah was ten, her real father died, homeless and alone in an alley far away in Oregon. Then Grandma Hall died and Leah’s mother married for the fourth time.
Leah’s fourth stepfather was years younger than her mother, and Leah had disliked him intensely. He left them less than a year later. Then she and her mother lived alone for two years. Finally Neil had entered their lives and had given them botha sense of being cared for. Leah had thought the hard times were finally over. But she was wrong. Now they might lose Neil to cancer.
Leah turned to face her mother. “Neil said Grandma Hall tried to get custody of me. Is that true?”
“She threatened me with a custody battle right after your father and I separated,” her mother replied. “Voices had told him that a mysterious stranger was stalking him and was going to kill him. It wasn’t true, of course, just another one of his delusions. But he left me with a pile of bills, a child to raise, and no money. I was angry. When your grandmother tried to take you away, I freaked. Of course, we never went to court, but I swore that she’d never see you again.”
But she did,
Leah thought. Her grandmother had sneaked into Leah’s day care centers and schools to visit her. Even now, Leah couldn’t bring herself to tell her mother that. “But when she got sick, you took me to the hospital to see her.”
“I did,” her mother said with a sigh. “I felt sorry for her. She was alone. Her son—your father—was dead. She had no one else in the world but you. And I didn’t want her to die without making my peace with her.”
Leah realized that many of her notions, ideas and impressions of her childhood were not correct. She’d thought her father had been a sad and lonely man, driven off by her mother. Her recollections of her mother’s and grandmother’s animosity had been true enough, but now Leah understood their enmity. Maybe her grandmother had meant well, but wouldn’t any mother fight to keep her only child?
Even her mother’s many marriages took on new meaning for Leah. Her mother had married to improve her lot in life. Using marriage to better oneself seemed distasteful to Leah, but she realized that her mother had probably considered herself resourceful each time. Leah began to understand why her mother had always worked at menial jobs. Without a high-school diploma, she’d probably had no choice.
From the nurse’s desk down the hall, Leah heard a doctor being paged. Weak February sunshine pooled on the toe of her boot. The smell of old coffee hung in theair. A nurse’s aide rattled bedpans
“You idolized your father, Leah. You were Daddy’s little girl from the time you were born. In spite of everything that happened, I wanted you to have that illusion.”
“But it was all a lie!”
“No,” her mother said. “When he was in his right mind, it was true. But when he had an episode, when he heard voices telling him to protect you, even if it meant running away with you or hiding you, I panicked. One night I came home from work and he thought I was the Angel of Death come to snatch you away. That’s when I moved out. I didn’t have any place to go—my parents were dead, and Grandma Hall thought I was a horrible person for deserting her son. I found us adumpy little trailer in a crummy trailer park, but it was all I could afford. I worked nights, and a neighbor watched you. I married Don when you were five.”
Leah remembered the trailer more clearly than she did her first stepfather. He took off when she was six. The trailer remained her home until she was almost seven. When Leah’s mother would go to work, Leah would lie alone in the dark, terrified, listening to the sounds of the night outside her window. They had moved from the trailer into an apartment when Leah’s mother married her third husband. That marriage, too, had ended in divorce. Leah had been nine. But when Leah was ten, her real father died, homeless and alone in an alley far away in Oregon. Then Grandma Hall died and Leah’s mother married for the fourth time.
Leah’s fourth stepfather was years younger than her mother, and Leah had disliked him intensely. He left them less than a year later. Then she and her mother lived alone for two years. Finally Neil had entered their lives and had given them botha sense of being cared for. Leah had thought the hard times were finally over. But she was wrong. Now they might lose Neil to cancer.
Leah turned to face her mother. “Neil said Grandma Hall tried to get custody of me. Is that true?”
“She threatened me with a custody battle right after your father and I separated,” her mother replied. “Voices had told him that a mysterious stranger was stalking him and was going to kill him. It wasn’t true, of course, just another one of his delusions. But he left me with a pile of bills, a child to raise, and no money. I was angry. When your grandmother tried to take you away, I freaked. Of course, we never went to court, but I swore that she’d never see you again.”
But she did,
Leah thought. Her grandmother had sneaked into Leah’s day care centers and schools to visit her. Even now, Leah couldn’t bring herself to tell her mother that. “But when she got sick, you took me to the hospital to see her.”
“I did,” her mother said with a sigh. “I felt sorry for her. She was alone. Her son—your father—was dead. She had no one else in the world but you. And I didn’t want her to die without making my peace with her.”
Leah realized that many of her notions, ideas and impressions of her childhood were not correct. She’d thought her father had been a sad and lonely man, driven off by her mother. Her recollections of her mother’s and grandmother’s animosity had been true enough, but now Leah understood their enmity. Maybe her grandmother had meant well, but wouldn’t any mother fight to keep her only child?
Even her mother’s many marriages took on new meaning for Leah. Her mother had married to improve her lot in life. Using marriage to better oneself seemed distasteful to Leah, but she realized that her mother had probably considered herself resourceful each time. Leah began to understand why her mother had always worked at menial jobs. Without a high-school diploma, she’d probably had no choice.
From the nurse’s desk down the hall, Leah heard a doctor being paged. Weak February sunshine pooled on the toe of her boot. The smell of old coffee hung in theair. A nurse’s aide rattled bedpans
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