about my previous cancer. I saw how much that upset you.”
Leah felt as if she had heard a story about somebody else. It was as if Neil were telling her something he’d read or seen on television. It couldn’t really be her life they were discussing. “I—I’m glad you told me,”she said, numb from the weight of the information.
Neil said, “I know I’ve dumped a lot on you, Leah, but you need to start seeing your mother through new eyes, to begin to understand her life and the choices she’s made. Most everything she did was for you. Even marrying me.”
Leah whipped around to face him.
“Don’t be shocked,” Neil said. “I’ve always known, and it’s never bothered me.”
“But she loves you.” Leah’s voice sounded small, childlike. “She’s told me so.”
“I know.” Neil smiled. “That’s the best part of all. That’s how I know she’ll be here for me no matter what happens. No matter how bad it gets. We’re a family, Leah. For better or worse, we are a family.”
F IFTEEN
N eil went into the hospital the next morning and straight into surgery for the reinsertion of the infusion pump. At Neil’s insistence, Ethan went on to his job, but Leah skipped school so that she could hang around the waiting room with her mother. Leah had hardly slept the night before. Her mind spun. Not only was Neil facing medical uncertainty, but also, she wondered what the failure of his chemo protocol might mean for her. If she relapsed, would she also have to endure an experimental drug program?
The revelations about her father, mother and grandmother haunted her. How couldshe have never known the truth? Why hadn’t anyone told her until now?
Leah and her mother sat together in an empty waiting room. Her mother sipped coffee and stared out the window at the bleak February landscape. Leah fidgeted, wanting to talk to her mother and not knowing how to begin.
Her mother relieved her of her dilemma when she said, “Neil told me he talked to you yesterday in the barn. He told me everything the two of you talked about.”
“You should have been the one to tell me,” Leah said, knowing she sounded hurt. “Why am I always the last to know about everything in this family?”
“It isn’t a conspiracy, Leah. I was going to tell you about your father. I just never knew how.”
“The same way you told Neil. You just say it.” Leah paused as another thought occurred to her. “You’re not mad at Neil, are you? Because if you are—”
“I’m not mad at Neil,” her mother said. “He wouldn’t do anything to hurt either of us.”
Leah stood, unable to sit still one moreminute. “I know what Neil told me, but I’m mixed up.
You
once told me that the reason you wouldn’t let me see Grandma Hall was because you were mad at Dad for not being able to take care of us. You said that you were bitter and that you took it out on her.” Leah recalled as if it had been yesterday the conversation she’d had with her mother when she’d been hospitalized. “So which is it?”
“I also told you that your father wasn’t well psychologically. That’s the closest I ever got to telling you about how sick he really was. I should have told you everything then, but I didn’t.”
“Why not?”
Her mother shrugged. “If you could have seen the look that crossed your face when I told you as much as I did, you’d know why. You looked horrified. And then hostile, as if you’d never accept anything negative about him from me. You had him built up in your mind to godlike status. You were also being told at the same time by your doctors that you had cancer and that you might lose your leg. I couldn’t trash your father to you.It wouldn’t have been right. You needed to concentrate on the future, not the past.”
“Why is everybody always trying to protect me instead of being honest with me? Neil said you divorced Dad because you were afraid for our safety. Is that true? Did you think Dad would have hurt
Leah felt as if she had heard a story about somebody else. It was as if Neil were telling her something he’d read or seen on television. It couldn’t really be her life they were discussing. “I—I’m glad you told me,”she said, numb from the weight of the information.
Neil said, “I know I’ve dumped a lot on you, Leah, but you need to start seeing your mother through new eyes, to begin to understand her life and the choices she’s made. Most everything she did was for you. Even marrying me.”
Leah whipped around to face him.
“Don’t be shocked,” Neil said. “I’ve always known, and it’s never bothered me.”
“But she loves you.” Leah’s voice sounded small, childlike. “She’s told me so.”
“I know.” Neil smiled. “That’s the best part of all. That’s how I know she’ll be here for me no matter what happens. No matter how bad it gets. We’re a family, Leah. For better or worse, we are a family.”
F IFTEEN
N eil went into the hospital the next morning and straight into surgery for the reinsertion of the infusion pump. At Neil’s insistence, Ethan went on to his job, but Leah skipped school so that she could hang around the waiting room with her mother. Leah had hardly slept the night before. Her mind spun. Not only was Neil facing medical uncertainty, but also, she wondered what the failure of his chemo protocol might mean for her. If she relapsed, would she also have to endure an experimental drug program?
The revelations about her father, mother and grandmother haunted her. How couldshe have never known the truth? Why hadn’t anyone told her until now?
Leah and her mother sat together in an empty waiting room. Her mother sipped coffee and stared out the window at the bleak February landscape. Leah fidgeted, wanting to talk to her mother and not knowing how to begin.
Her mother relieved her of her dilemma when she said, “Neil told me he talked to you yesterday in the barn. He told me everything the two of you talked about.”
“You should have been the one to tell me,” Leah said, knowing she sounded hurt. “Why am I always the last to know about everything in this family?”
“It isn’t a conspiracy, Leah. I was going to tell you about your father. I just never knew how.”
“The same way you told Neil. You just say it.” Leah paused as another thought occurred to her. “You’re not mad at Neil, are you? Because if you are—”
“I’m not mad at Neil,” her mother said. “He wouldn’t do anything to hurt either of us.”
Leah stood, unable to sit still one moreminute. “I know what Neil told me, but I’m mixed up.
You
once told me that the reason you wouldn’t let me see Grandma Hall was because you were mad at Dad for not being able to take care of us. You said that you were bitter and that you took it out on her.” Leah recalled as if it had been yesterday the conversation she’d had with her mother when she’d been hospitalized. “So which is it?”
“I also told you that your father wasn’t well psychologically. That’s the closest I ever got to telling you about how sick he really was. I should have told you everything then, but I didn’t.”
“Why not?”
Her mother shrugged. “If you could have seen the look that crossed your face when I told you as much as I did, you’d know why. You looked horrified. And then hostile, as if you’d never accept anything negative about him from me. You had him built up in your mind to godlike status. You were also being told at the same time by your doctors that you had cancer and that you might lose your leg. I couldn’t trash your father to you.It wouldn’t have been right. You needed to concentrate on the future, not the past.”
“Why is everybody always trying to protect me instead of being honest with me? Neil said you divorced Dad because you were afraid for our safety. Is that true? Did you think Dad would have hurt
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