empathetic tilt of her head, before she said, “After I left your house, I thought about the first time I had walked into the home I shared with Brad. After he had died, I stayed with my mom for a few months. I wasn’t able to go back home without him there. When I finally did, I could never have done it alone. If my mom hadn’t been there… I don’t think I would have made it.” She sighed a tiny sigh. “I thought you could use a friend… so, about fifteen minutes after you left, I headed your way. Your mom gave me directions.”
“Thank you, Mara.”
“I heard the message you left. Are you okay?”
I stood against the large island centered in my kitchen and glanced around the room. My breathing became irregular again, but I needed to set free the secret that was being held prisoner in my mind. The secret Mom had sheltered from the media. “You know, Mara, I wasn’t in love with Crystal. Sure, I loved her, but in that best friend sort of way.”
I guess I had caught Mara by surprise, because suddenly, she was shaking her head and backing away. “You don’t have to tell me this, Tagg. It’s not my business.”
“But I do.” I inhaled as much air as I could, because I’d realized I was holding my breath, afraid to let go. “All this time, all this guilt. It’s not only been about Crystal.” I began to feel a bit dizzy. “The night Crystal died…” This was more difficult than I had thought. Never have I said these words aloud. For so long, I had tried to bury the thought so deep I would eventually forget it. Never. I could never forget it. “The night she died…” Oh, dear Lord this was hard. “She was…” My breathing became short, airless gasps. “She was… seven months pregnant… with our son.” I cried like I had never cried before. My knees buckled beneath me. Mara held me as I slid down to the floor. Again. I couldn’t stop the sobbing. My tears were for my son. I was finally mourning the son I never knew. The son I never got to hold or play guitar with. The son whose life was ended before it began… because of my reckless infidelity.
I held my head in my hands while Mara stroked my neck. But it didn’t help. I had killed my little boy and now I couldn’t breath. I didn’t deserve to breathe.
Only, I really couldn’t breathe and I began to gasp for air. I was hyperventilating.
I sensed Mara leaving my side. It sounded like she was searching the kitchen for something. After a few moments of opening and closing cabinet doors, Mara came back with a small, brown paper bag and put it in my hands. Bringing the bag to my face, I attempted to take deep breaths until my breathing slowed and I’d lost the urge to pass out.
Mara was sitting on the floor next to me. I squeezed her hand. “Thank you,” came out broken and raspy, but I’d needed to say it. We sat there for some time. Silently. Soberly. Before the insanity began.
“Yo, Tagg, man, we’re here.”
“Yea, man, let’s get ready to rock.”
“It’s been forever, guy.”
I wasn’t sure who exclaimed what, but Ronnie, Matty and Johnny came barreling through the front door, equipment in hand. They were ready to start over. I was not. I guess I was about to see how good of an actor I could be.
“Hey.” I motioned to the band, and the door, because they had left it open, but when I started to close it, something caught my eye. I took a double take. There she was again. The blonde. Running from the side of the house into the bushes. “Guys?” I had to at least ask, “Did any of you bring a blonde with you?”
A blank stare, from everyone, is what I got. “Uh, no.”
“I must be seeing things.” And, then I dropped it. I’m sure it was that same girl. Probably a crazy fan.
“Tagg,” Ronnie turned toward me and then back at the kitchen. “You brought your trainer?” Ronnie was
“Thank you, Mara.”
“I heard the message you left. Are you okay?”
I stood against the large island centered in my kitchen and glanced around the room. My breathing became irregular again, but I needed to set free the secret that was being held prisoner in my mind. The secret Mom had sheltered from the media. “You know, Mara, I wasn’t in love with Crystal. Sure, I loved her, but in that best friend sort of way.”
I guess I had caught Mara by surprise, because suddenly, she was shaking her head and backing away. “You don’t have to tell me this, Tagg. It’s not my business.”
“But I do.” I inhaled as much air as I could, because I’d realized I was holding my breath, afraid to let go. “All this time, all this guilt. It’s not only been about Crystal.” I began to feel a bit dizzy. “The night Crystal died…” This was more difficult than I had thought. Never have I said these words aloud. For so long, I had tried to bury the thought so deep I would eventually forget it. Never. I could never forget it. “The night she died…” Oh, dear Lord this was hard. “She was…” My breathing became short, airless gasps. “She was… seven months pregnant… with our son.” I cried like I had never cried before. My knees buckled beneath me. Mara held me as I slid down to the floor. Again. I couldn’t stop the sobbing. My tears were for my son. I was finally mourning the son I never knew. The son I never got to hold or play guitar with. The son whose life was ended before it began… because of my reckless infidelity.
I held my head in my hands while Mara stroked my neck. But it didn’t help. I had killed my little boy and now I couldn’t breath. I didn’t deserve to breathe.
Only, I really couldn’t breathe and I began to gasp for air. I was hyperventilating.
I sensed Mara leaving my side. It sounded like she was searching the kitchen for something. After a few moments of opening and closing cabinet doors, Mara came back with a small, brown paper bag and put it in my hands. Bringing the bag to my face, I attempted to take deep breaths until my breathing slowed and I’d lost the urge to pass out.
Mara was sitting on the floor next to me. I squeezed her hand. “Thank you,” came out broken and raspy, but I’d needed to say it. We sat there for some time. Silently. Soberly. Before the insanity began.
“Yo, Tagg, man, we’re here.”
“Yea, man, let’s get ready to rock.”
“It’s been forever, guy.”
I wasn’t sure who exclaimed what, but Ronnie, Matty and Johnny came barreling through the front door, equipment in hand. They were ready to start over. I was not. I guess I was about to see how good of an actor I could be.
“Hey.” I motioned to the band, and the door, because they had left it open, but when I started to close it, something caught my eye. I took a double take. There she was again. The blonde. Running from the side of the house into the bushes. “Guys?” I had to at least ask, “Did any of you bring a blonde with you?”
A blank stare, from everyone, is what I got. “Uh, no.”
“I must be seeing things.” And, then I dropped it. I’m sure it was that same girl. Probably a crazy fan.
“Tagg,” Ronnie turned toward me and then back at the kitchen. “You brought your trainer?” Ronnie was
Similar Books
