straight into an on-coming train.
Running my hand through my hair, I remained in my car and closed my eyes. I needed to think. Mara. She’s what I thought about. I had remembered how she calmed me after my visit from Auggie. I thought back to that first day at Mara’s house when she’d disclosed her unfortunate loss. Mara was living life as a regular member of society. Why couldn’t I?
Thinking about Mara had helped to bring my heart rate to a moderate pace. My lungs were opening and I was breathing in Mara’s courage. She was only a phone call away. She’d said it herself. I pressed her number on my speed dial, but it went straight to voicemail. Damn! “Mara, It’s Tagg. I made it down here…I’m having a hard time.” I took a deep breath. “It’s overwhelming. Call me as soon as you can.” I left the message, then rested my head against the back of my seat. But not for too long.
The guys were going to be arriving for rehearsal, so I had to manage to rid myself of the doubt and confront my fears. I got out of the car and slowly stood. Once I got my bearings, I felt a little better. I was retrieving my stuff from the car when I heard a rustling in the trees. “Hey. Who’s there?” It stopped. Maybe I was crazy. It had to be an animal. But, then I heard the stirring again. As I ran my eyes across the wooded area beside my house, I caught a glimpse of long blond hair blowing through the trees. “Hey!” I called again and swept toward her. The blond disappeared. At first I was spooked, but then I remembered that some of the female fans used to sneak around trying to get a glance at me all the time when I lived here. I’m sure someone probably heard I was coming back. Of course. My private life was getting a little less private these days, and I should just expect a fan or two to resurface.
It was time I faced the dread before me and enter the house. I solicitously entered through the front door. When I had actually resided here, the garage was where I’d have entered, but currently I had no idea where the garage door opener was. The table in the entryway was covered in dust so thick it had reminded me of my recent life. The beautiful wood, hidden by years of neglect. I threw my keys on it and took a step forward.
All of the memories of that baneful night came charging back. The look of hurt on Crystal’s face when she had opened our bedroom door. The panic that enveloped me. The fear and immediate regret for what I had been doing with that nameless woman. The particular moment in which I began to despise everything I stood for. I was ashamed and I was sorry. But apologies were far too little and much, much too late. If I had owned a gun that night, I would have taken my life after I’d received the phone call. I wasn’t so in love with Crystal that I couldn’t live without her, but the shame, the guilt, the disgrace, I knew, would be enough to drive me mad. No, I never really did love Crystal in the way a husband loves a wife. Nor did she love me, in that manner. It was a marriage of mutual respect and compatibility. Until I’d lost her respect. And much, much more that night.
I hadn’t realized that I had dropped to the floor with my back against the door, until the doorbell rang. I wasn’t ready for Ronnie, Matty or Johnny, but I couldn’t just let them stand there. I got up, took a deep breath and opened the door. I broke down and cried, because standing at my front door, with her arms stretched out to hug me, was the person I’d least expected, but needed most. “Mara?” She embraced me while I released seven year’s worth of tears on her shoulder. Her hands on my back radiated through me, melting my anxiety. I kissed her forehead, then thanked her.
“What. Are. You. Doing here?” I managed to ask, in between sobs, as I led her to the kitchen.
She gave an
Running my hand through my hair, I remained in my car and closed my eyes. I needed to think. Mara. She’s what I thought about. I had remembered how she calmed me after my visit from Auggie. I thought back to that first day at Mara’s house when she’d disclosed her unfortunate loss. Mara was living life as a regular member of society. Why couldn’t I?
Thinking about Mara had helped to bring my heart rate to a moderate pace. My lungs were opening and I was breathing in Mara’s courage. She was only a phone call away. She’d said it herself. I pressed her number on my speed dial, but it went straight to voicemail. Damn! “Mara, It’s Tagg. I made it down here…I’m having a hard time.” I took a deep breath. “It’s overwhelming. Call me as soon as you can.” I left the message, then rested my head against the back of my seat. But not for too long.
The guys were going to be arriving for rehearsal, so I had to manage to rid myself of the doubt and confront my fears. I got out of the car and slowly stood. Once I got my bearings, I felt a little better. I was retrieving my stuff from the car when I heard a rustling in the trees. “Hey. Who’s there?” It stopped. Maybe I was crazy. It had to be an animal. But, then I heard the stirring again. As I ran my eyes across the wooded area beside my house, I caught a glimpse of long blond hair blowing through the trees. “Hey!” I called again and swept toward her. The blond disappeared. At first I was spooked, but then I remembered that some of the female fans used to sneak around trying to get a glance at me all the time when I lived here. I’m sure someone probably heard I was coming back. Of course. My private life was getting a little less private these days, and I should just expect a fan or two to resurface.
It was time I faced the dread before me and enter the house. I solicitously entered through the front door. When I had actually resided here, the garage was where I’d have entered, but currently I had no idea where the garage door opener was. The table in the entryway was covered in dust so thick it had reminded me of my recent life. The beautiful wood, hidden by years of neglect. I threw my keys on it and took a step forward.
All of the memories of that baneful night came charging back. The look of hurt on Crystal’s face when she had opened our bedroom door. The panic that enveloped me. The fear and immediate regret for what I had been doing with that nameless woman. The particular moment in which I began to despise everything I stood for. I was ashamed and I was sorry. But apologies were far too little and much, much too late. If I had owned a gun that night, I would have taken my life after I’d received the phone call. I wasn’t so in love with Crystal that I couldn’t live without her, but the shame, the guilt, the disgrace, I knew, would be enough to drive me mad. No, I never really did love Crystal in the way a husband loves a wife. Nor did she love me, in that manner. It was a marriage of mutual respect and compatibility. Until I’d lost her respect. And much, much more that night.
I hadn’t realized that I had dropped to the floor with my back against the door, until the doorbell rang. I wasn’t ready for Ronnie, Matty or Johnny, but I couldn’t just let them stand there. I got up, took a deep breath and opened the door. I broke down and cried, because standing at my front door, with her arms stretched out to hug me, was the person I’d least expected, but needed most. “Mara?” She embraced me while I released seven year’s worth of tears on her shoulder. Her hands on my back radiated through me, melting my anxiety. I kissed her forehead, then thanked her.
“What. Are. You. Doing here?” I managed to ask, in between sobs, as I led her to the kitchen.
She gave an
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