Uncle John’s Briefs by Bathroom Readers’ Institute Page B
Authors: Bathroom Readers’ Institute
Ads: Link
congratulations from the Queen and telling friends, “Yes, I made it to 100.”
RALPH BREGOS, heart patient
Final Irony: Bregos, 40, spent more than two years wondering if a suitable donor heart would ever become available. Finally in 1997, doctors told him that one had been found. Bregos became so excited at the news that he suffered a massive heart attack and died.
STANLEY GOLDMAN, candidate for mayor of Hollywood
Final Irony: At a campaign stop, Goldman chided his opponent for being “too old for the job.” Moments later, he dropped dead from a heart attack.
ROBERT SHOVESTALL, gun enthusiast in Glendale, California
Final Irony: Shovestall, 37, died from an accidental gunshot wound. According to news reports, he placed a .45-caliber pistol he thought was unloaded under his chin and pulled the trigger. The incident took place “after his wife’s complaints about his 70 guns prompted him to demonstrate they were safe.”
ANONYMOUS MAN, from West Plains, Missouri
Final Irony: According to news reports, the suicidal man set himself on fire, only to change his mind moments later and jump into a pond to extinguish the flames. Cause of death: drowning.
ELIZABETH FLEISCHMAN ASCHEIM, pioneering X-ray technician at the turn of the 20th century
Final Irony: Ascheim often X-rayed herself to show patients that the treatment was safe. Cause of death: “severe skin cancer.”
What do the four H's in 4-H stand for? Head, heart, hands, and health.
MY OTHER
VEHICLE IS IN ORBIT
We keep thinking that we’ve seen every clever bumper sticker that exists, but every year readers send us new ones. Have you seen the one that says…
I’m Still Hot. It Just Comes in Flashes.
Remember: It’s pillage first , then burn.
I’ll rise, but I won’t shine
It’s my cat’s world. I’m just here to open cans.
Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
The closer you get, the slower I go
Coffee makes it possible to get out of bed; chocolate makes it worth it.
My dog is smarter than your honor student.
If all else fails, stop using all else.
Don’t Drink and Derive. Alcohol and Calculus Don’t Mix.
What would Scooby do?
E VERYTHING I NEED TO KNOW I LEARNED IN PRISON
BOTTOMLESS PIT OF WANTS AND NEEDS
I’m so old that “getting lucky” means finding my car in the parking lot.
Welcome to Middle Earth. Now go home.
PHYSICALLY PFFFFFT!
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
Dangerously under-medicated.
A barrel full of monkeys would not be fun— it would be horrifying
When life gives you lemons, shut up and eat your lemons
Worldwide, more than 250 lakes are reported to be home to a lake “monster.”
YOU STOLE WHAT, NOW?
Thieves…you just never know what they’re gonna steal next .
S TICKY FINGERS Someone stole the head off a life-size wax statue of Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart from a museum in Salzburg, Austria, in 2005. “It must have happened between 8 p.m. Friday, when we closed, and today before 9 a.m.,” employee Elisabeth Stoeckl told reporters. “When we opened up again, Mozart’s head was gone,” she said, adding that the stolen head was worth about $18,000.
HE’S A LITTLE SLOW
In 1999 a man in Los Angeles was arrested after leading police on a slow-speed chase…on a stolen steamroller. An officer stopped the runaway steamroller by climbing aboard and shutting it off. The man’s excuse: “I was tired of walking.”
TIKI TACKY
Security cameras in a Wellington, New Zealand, library captured shots of three masked vandals as they walked up to a tiki—a wooden figurine made by the country’s indigenous people, the Maori—chopped off its wooden penis with chisels, and then ran away. The artist who had carved the tiki, Kerry Strongman, called the theft an insult to the mana , or “pride,” of the city, and immediately began work on a replacement penis for the statue.
IS THIS HOT?
In September 2006, USA Today reported that at least seven men had been electrocuted and
RALPH BREGOS, heart patient
Final Irony: Bregos, 40, spent more than two years wondering if a suitable donor heart would ever become available. Finally in 1997, doctors told him that one had been found. Bregos became so excited at the news that he suffered a massive heart attack and died.
STANLEY GOLDMAN, candidate for mayor of Hollywood
Final Irony: At a campaign stop, Goldman chided his opponent for being “too old for the job.” Moments later, he dropped dead from a heart attack.
ROBERT SHOVESTALL, gun enthusiast in Glendale, California
Final Irony: Shovestall, 37, died from an accidental gunshot wound. According to news reports, he placed a .45-caliber pistol he thought was unloaded under his chin and pulled the trigger. The incident took place “after his wife’s complaints about his 70 guns prompted him to demonstrate they were safe.”
ANONYMOUS MAN, from West Plains, Missouri
Final Irony: According to news reports, the suicidal man set himself on fire, only to change his mind moments later and jump into a pond to extinguish the flames. Cause of death: drowning.
ELIZABETH FLEISCHMAN ASCHEIM, pioneering X-ray technician at the turn of the 20th century
Final Irony: Ascheim often X-rayed herself to show patients that the treatment was safe. Cause of death: “severe skin cancer.”
What do the four H's in 4-H stand for? Head, heart, hands, and health.
MY OTHER
VEHICLE IS IN ORBIT
We keep thinking that we’ve seen every clever bumper sticker that exists, but every year readers send us new ones. Have you seen the one that says…
I’m Still Hot. It Just Comes in Flashes.
Remember: It’s pillage first , then burn.
I’ll rise, but I won’t shine
It’s my cat’s world. I’m just here to open cans.
Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
The closer you get, the slower I go
Coffee makes it possible to get out of bed; chocolate makes it worth it.
My dog is smarter than your honor student.
If all else fails, stop using all else.
Don’t Drink and Derive. Alcohol and Calculus Don’t Mix.
What would Scooby do?
E VERYTHING I NEED TO KNOW I LEARNED IN PRISON
BOTTOMLESS PIT OF WANTS AND NEEDS
I’m so old that “getting lucky” means finding my car in the parking lot.
Welcome to Middle Earth. Now go home.
PHYSICALLY PFFFFFT!
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
Dangerously under-medicated.
A barrel full of monkeys would not be fun— it would be horrifying
When life gives you lemons, shut up and eat your lemons
Worldwide, more than 250 lakes are reported to be home to a lake “monster.”
YOU STOLE WHAT, NOW?
Thieves…you just never know what they’re gonna steal next .
S TICKY FINGERS Someone stole the head off a life-size wax statue of Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart from a museum in Salzburg, Austria, in 2005. “It must have happened between 8 p.m. Friday, when we closed, and today before 9 a.m.,” employee Elisabeth Stoeckl told reporters. “When we opened up again, Mozart’s head was gone,” she said, adding that the stolen head was worth about $18,000.
HE’S A LITTLE SLOW
In 1999 a man in Los Angeles was arrested after leading police on a slow-speed chase…on a stolen steamroller. An officer stopped the runaway steamroller by climbing aboard and shutting it off. The man’s excuse: “I was tired of walking.”
TIKI TACKY
Security cameras in a Wellington, New Zealand, library captured shots of three masked vandals as they walked up to a tiki—a wooden figurine made by the country’s indigenous people, the Maori—chopped off its wooden penis with chisels, and then ran away. The artist who had carved the tiki, Kerry Strongman, called the theft an insult to the mana , or “pride,” of the city, and immediately began work on a replacement penis for the statue.
IS THIS HOT?
In September 2006, USA Today reported that at least seven men had been electrocuted and
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