Uncle John’s Briefs by Bathroom Readers’ Institute Page A
Authors: Bathroom Readers’ Institute
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officers and crew to prepare to greet the emperor with all due pomp and circumstance. Guns were polished, decks swabbed, and uniforms washed and pressed in anticipation of the royal tour.
V.I.P. TREATMENT
But the telegram was a fake—it was sent by a practical joker named Horace de Vere Cole. A few days later, he and five co-conspirators (including author Virginia Woolf and her brother) blackened their faces and hands with burnt cork, glued false beards to their chins, donned long red robes topped with makeshift turbans (all rented), and took a cab to London’s Paddington Station. Brazenly declaring that he was a state official named “Herbert Cholmondley,” Cole talked the stationmaster into giving them a VIP train to Weymouth, where the delegation was met with a full honor guard and a brass band.
An Abyssinian flag couldn’t be found (no one knew what one looked like), so one from Zanzibar was used instead. And the band played the Zanzibar national anthem, since that was the only African anthem they knew. (The pranksters didn’t know the difference.) The Navy had no translator either: fortunately, the delegation supplied their own, and histranslations were so eloquent that none of the navy officers noticed that the language spoken by the “Abyssinians” bore a striking resemblance to fractured Latin. And as they were shown all of the ship’s accoutrements, they shouted “Bunga Bunga!” in approval at everything they saw.
According to German folklore, Great Danes were once used to guard against evil spirits.
There were a few anxious moments. One was when the pranksters realized one of the Navy officers knew Woolf. But the officer never caught on. Another came when their “interpreter” sneezed and almost blew off his whiskers. Again, no one noticed. Weather almost sank the prank, too: Rain began to fall as the delegation arrived at the Dreadnought ; Cole managed to talk their way onto a lower deck just as their makeup started to run.
Finally, Cole decided it was time to get out. They refused lunch (they weren’t sure what dietary restrictions might go along with their made-up religion) and left quickly on the excuse that there were no prayer mats for their daily devotionals.
The delegation was given a military escort back to their train. Still in disguise and under Naval supervision, the “Abyssinians” requested that waiters serving them dinner wear white gloves. (The train stopped and was held up in Reading to purchase the gloves.)
SHIP OF FOOLS
Five days later a photograph appeared in the Daily Mirror , showing the “Abyssinian” delegation with their Naval hosts. In the accompanying article, Cole exposed the hoax and ridiculed the Navy for being so gullible. All over London, sailors were harassed with cries of “Bunga Bunga!” The Admiralty was furious, but its attempt to charge Cole and his party with treason (the delegation had seen top-secret areas of the ship) was hooted down in Parliament and the press. After all, as people pointed out, the only “treasonous” thing they’d done was make the Admiralty and its officers look like fools. Besides, the only actual crime committed was sending a telegram under a fake name.
The Navy decided to not press charges, but still felt that somebody had to be punished. As the pranksters were all upper class, they could get away with a symbolic act to settle the dispute as gentlemen. Naval officers visited Cole and gave him six symbolic taps on the buttocks with a cane. Cole insisted he be allowed to do the same to the officers. Amazingly, the officers agreed.
During the Christmas season, Americans use their Visa cards about 5,340 times per minute.
IRONIC DEATHS
You can’t help laughing at some of life’s—and death’s— ironies…as long as they happen to someone else. These stories speak for themselves .
B OB TALLEY, centenarian Final Irony: Talley passed away in London during his 100th birthday party, moments after receiving a telegram of
V.I.P. TREATMENT
But the telegram was a fake—it was sent by a practical joker named Horace de Vere Cole. A few days later, he and five co-conspirators (including author Virginia Woolf and her brother) blackened their faces and hands with burnt cork, glued false beards to their chins, donned long red robes topped with makeshift turbans (all rented), and took a cab to London’s Paddington Station. Brazenly declaring that he was a state official named “Herbert Cholmondley,” Cole talked the stationmaster into giving them a VIP train to Weymouth, where the delegation was met with a full honor guard and a brass band.
An Abyssinian flag couldn’t be found (no one knew what one looked like), so one from Zanzibar was used instead. And the band played the Zanzibar national anthem, since that was the only African anthem they knew. (The pranksters didn’t know the difference.) The Navy had no translator either: fortunately, the delegation supplied their own, and histranslations were so eloquent that none of the navy officers noticed that the language spoken by the “Abyssinians” bore a striking resemblance to fractured Latin. And as they were shown all of the ship’s accoutrements, they shouted “Bunga Bunga!” in approval at everything they saw.
According to German folklore, Great Danes were once used to guard against evil spirits.
There were a few anxious moments. One was when the pranksters realized one of the Navy officers knew Woolf. But the officer never caught on. Another came when their “interpreter” sneezed and almost blew off his whiskers. Again, no one noticed. Weather almost sank the prank, too: Rain began to fall as the delegation arrived at the Dreadnought ; Cole managed to talk their way onto a lower deck just as their makeup started to run.
Finally, Cole decided it was time to get out. They refused lunch (they weren’t sure what dietary restrictions might go along with their made-up religion) and left quickly on the excuse that there were no prayer mats for their daily devotionals.
The delegation was given a military escort back to their train. Still in disguise and under Naval supervision, the “Abyssinians” requested that waiters serving them dinner wear white gloves. (The train stopped and was held up in Reading to purchase the gloves.)
SHIP OF FOOLS
Five days later a photograph appeared in the Daily Mirror , showing the “Abyssinian” delegation with their Naval hosts. In the accompanying article, Cole exposed the hoax and ridiculed the Navy for being so gullible. All over London, sailors were harassed with cries of “Bunga Bunga!” The Admiralty was furious, but its attempt to charge Cole and his party with treason (the delegation had seen top-secret areas of the ship) was hooted down in Parliament and the press. After all, as people pointed out, the only “treasonous” thing they’d done was make the Admiralty and its officers look like fools. Besides, the only actual crime committed was sending a telegram under a fake name.
The Navy decided to not press charges, but still felt that somebody had to be punished. As the pranksters were all upper class, they could get away with a symbolic act to settle the dispute as gentlemen. Naval officers visited Cole and gave him six symbolic taps on the buttocks with a cane. Cole insisted he be allowed to do the same to the officers. Amazingly, the officers agreed.
During the Christmas season, Americans use their Visa cards about 5,340 times per minute.
IRONIC DEATHS
You can’t help laughing at some of life’s—and death’s— ironies…as long as they happen to someone else. These stories speak for themselves .
B OB TALLEY, centenarian Final Irony: Talley passed away in London during his 100th birthday party, moments after receiving a telegram of
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