of a thinker, and a most dignified air, ah yes, his hair and beard were white as snow.
REBONTIER. Sir, I don’t know what you’re driving at. Besides, the mummies, including the dignified old monkey, jumped out of their case amid a chorus of yells from the customs men and, to the consternation of the onlookers, took the tram that crosses the pont de l’Alma.
ACHRAS. Great heavens! how astonishing, we too just came here by that conveyance or, look you, for the sake of accuracy, that tramway.
REBONTIER. That’s exactly what I said to myself, Sir. It’s most peculiar that we did not meet them.
SCENE TWO
The same. PA UBU opens the door, illuminated by THE PALCONTENTS.
PA UBU. Ah-ha! Hornstrumpot! (To ACHRAS:) You, Sir, bugger off. You’ve been told to before.
ACHRAS. Oh, but it’s like this, look you. This happens to be my home.
PA UBU. Horn of Ubu, Mister Rebontier, it’s you, I don’t doubt any longer, who came to my house to cuckold me, who mistakes my virtuous wife, in other words, for a piss-pot. We shall find ourselves, one fine day, thanks to you, the father of an archaeopteryx or worse, which won’t look at all like us! Basically, we are of the opinion that cuckoldry implies marriage and therefore a marriage without cuckoldry has no validity. But for form’s sake we have decided to punish him severely. Palcontents, knock him down for me!
THE PALCONTENTS belabour REBONTIER.
Lights, please, and you, Sir, answer me. Am I a cuckold?
REBONTIER. OWOWOW, OWOWOWOW!
PA UBU. How disgusting. He can’t reply because he fell on his head. His brain has doubtless received an injury to the Broca convolution, where the faculty of holding forth resides. This convolution is the third frontal convolution on the left as you go in. Ask the hall-porter.... Excuse me, gentlemen, ask any philosopher: ‘This dissolution of the mind is caused by an atrophy which little by little invades the cerebral cortex, then the grey matter, producing a fatty degeneration and atheroma of the cells, tubes, and capillaries of the nerve-substance!’ 9 There’s nothing to be done with him. We’ll have to make do with twisting the nose and nears, with removal of the tongue and extraction of the teeth, laceration of the posterior, hacking to pieces of the spinal marrow and the partial or total spaghettification of the brain through the heels. He shall first be impaled, then beheaded, then finally drawn and quartered. After which the gentleman will be free, through our great clemency, to go and get himself hanged anywhere he chooses. No more harm will come to him, for I wish to treat him well.
THE PALCONTENTS. Hoy, Mister!
PA UBU. Hornstrumpot! I forgot to consult my Conscience.
He goes back into the lavatory recess. Meanwhile REBONTIER escapes, THE PALCONTENTS howling and screaming at his heels. PA UBU reappears, leading his CONSCIENCE by the hand.
SCENE THREE
ACHRAS, PA UBU, his CONSCIENCE.
PA UBU (to ACHRAS). Hornstrumpot, Sir! So you refuse to bugger off. Like my Conscience here, whom I can’t get rid of.
CONSCIENCE. Sir, don’t make fun of Epictetus in his misfortune.
PA UBU. The stickabeatus is doubtless an ingenious instrument, but the play has gone on quite long enough and we are in no disposition to employ it today.
With a noise like an engine-whistle THE CROCODILE crosses the stage.
SCENE FOUR
The same. THE CROCODILE.
ACHRAS. Oh, but it’s like this, look you, what on earth is that ?
PA UBU. It’s a boidie.
CONSCIENCE. It’s a most characteristic reptile and moreover (touching it) its hands possess all the properties of a snake’s.
PA UBU. Then it must be a whale, for the whale is the most inflated boidie in existence and this animal seems thoroughly distended.
CONSCIENCE. I tell you it’s a snake.
PA UBU. That should prove to Mister Conscience his stupidity and absurdity. We had come to the same conclusion long before he said so: in fact it is a snake 1 A rattler into
REBONTIER. Sir, I don’t know what you’re driving at. Besides, the mummies, including the dignified old monkey, jumped out of their case amid a chorus of yells from the customs men and, to the consternation of the onlookers, took the tram that crosses the pont de l’Alma.
ACHRAS. Great heavens! how astonishing, we too just came here by that conveyance or, look you, for the sake of accuracy, that tramway.
REBONTIER. That’s exactly what I said to myself, Sir. It’s most peculiar that we did not meet them.
SCENE TWO
The same. PA UBU opens the door, illuminated by THE PALCONTENTS.
PA UBU. Ah-ha! Hornstrumpot! (To ACHRAS:) You, Sir, bugger off. You’ve been told to before.
ACHRAS. Oh, but it’s like this, look you. This happens to be my home.
PA UBU. Horn of Ubu, Mister Rebontier, it’s you, I don’t doubt any longer, who came to my house to cuckold me, who mistakes my virtuous wife, in other words, for a piss-pot. We shall find ourselves, one fine day, thanks to you, the father of an archaeopteryx or worse, which won’t look at all like us! Basically, we are of the opinion that cuckoldry implies marriage and therefore a marriage without cuckoldry has no validity. But for form’s sake we have decided to punish him severely. Palcontents, knock him down for me!
THE PALCONTENTS belabour REBONTIER.
Lights, please, and you, Sir, answer me. Am I a cuckold?
REBONTIER. OWOWOW, OWOWOWOW!
PA UBU. How disgusting. He can’t reply because he fell on his head. His brain has doubtless received an injury to the Broca convolution, where the faculty of holding forth resides. This convolution is the third frontal convolution on the left as you go in. Ask the hall-porter.... Excuse me, gentlemen, ask any philosopher: ‘This dissolution of the mind is caused by an atrophy which little by little invades the cerebral cortex, then the grey matter, producing a fatty degeneration and atheroma of the cells, tubes, and capillaries of the nerve-substance!’ 9 There’s nothing to be done with him. We’ll have to make do with twisting the nose and nears, with removal of the tongue and extraction of the teeth, laceration of the posterior, hacking to pieces of the spinal marrow and the partial or total spaghettification of the brain through the heels. He shall first be impaled, then beheaded, then finally drawn and quartered. After which the gentleman will be free, through our great clemency, to go and get himself hanged anywhere he chooses. No more harm will come to him, for I wish to treat him well.
THE PALCONTENTS. Hoy, Mister!
PA UBU. Hornstrumpot! I forgot to consult my Conscience.
He goes back into the lavatory recess. Meanwhile REBONTIER escapes, THE PALCONTENTS howling and screaming at his heels. PA UBU reappears, leading his CONSCIENCE by the hand.
SCENE THREE
ACHRAS, PA UBU, his CONSCIENCE.
PA UBU (to ACHRAS). Hornstrumpot, Sir! So you refuse to bugger off. Like my Conscience here, whom I can’t get rid of.
CONSCIENCE. Sir, don’t make fun of Epictetus in his misfortune.
PA UBU. The stickabeatus is doubtless an ingenious instrument, but the play has gone on quite long enough and we are in no disposition to employ it today.
With a noise like an engine-whistle THE CROCODILE crosses the stage.
SCENE FOUR
The same. THE CROCODILE.
ACHRAS. Oh, but it’s like this, look you, what on earth is that ?
PA UBU. It’s a boidie.
CONSCIENCE. It’s a most characteristic reptile and moreover (touching it) its hands possess all the properties of a snake’s.
PA UBU. Then it must be a whale, for the whale is the most inflated boidie in existence and this animal seems thoroughly distended.
CONSCIENCE. I tell you it’s a snake.
PA UBU. That should prove to Mister Conscience his stupidity and absurdity. We had come to the same conclusion long before he said so: in fact it is a snake 1 A rattler into
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