She’s not here. God help me, she may never be here again.
This thought is more than I can take. With one small shudder, every tear I’ve held back is shaken loose. I stand in the cold with my hands at my sides, open, my head back, the tears not stopping. I can’t control the emptiness I feel.
I’d give anything to be able to hold onto the rage. To not feel this helplessness. But it’s all I have. I’m lost without her.
Chapter 25 HER
Even driving like a madwoman, it’s taken a long time to get back. My limbs are stiff and heavy. My lids are hard to keep up. But there’s my home. My city. My skyline.
The drive has given me time to think. Sort of. My mind keeps fragmenting.
Pictures pop of Max. Me. Us. But I can’t put them in order. Today, tomorrow, yesterday, last week?
The fragment that won’t stop flying across the windshield, my wicked witch on a broomstick…I’ll get you and your snarling dog too…
Max’s look of anger. That night. His angriest face. The night I always go back to.
It’s filled my nightmares, my dreams, my days.
All because a man I barely knew touched my hand. That sparked Max’s rage. A rule broken. And I had to pay the price for that.
Even in a cage. I woke with that night in my head. Even with Ben’s fists on me. I pictured that face.
I haven’t admitted this to myself…until I was free, there was no point in thinking about…
Max. My beautiful angry husband.
How can I face you now?!
I didn’t let this happen…not like that night…I could’ve done something to stop Rich that night…should’ve done something…
But this…this is so much more, so much worse…Ben beat me, fucked me. Max will know this. I laugh. Everyone will know this. Just look at me…but Max won’t be able to deal with this…he won’t be able to control his anger...he won’t be able to look at me the same way.
He’s a man who has to be in control. I’ve known this…almost since the beginning. I’ve given him everything…but now. Now.
I have to stop thinking for a minute, concentrate on the sound of the road, the lights and signs passing me. I have to blink away tears and swallow more air.
Now. I’ll never be the same again. Not to Max. Not to myself.
And…the part I’ve only let myself whisper, trapped in bed next to a monster…
I blame him. I blame Max.
I blame myself.
I blame Ben of course…but I ran him over. I feel a strange smile on my lips at this thought. I touch my lips and it goes away.
I’m free. And trapped in a nightmare still.
I blink through the tears, not stopping them, just need to see dammit.
A homeless man crosses out of nowhere in front of me. I have to slam on the brakes to avoid him. My forearms hitting against the steering wheel. I don’t feel the pain shooting up my arms. He curses at me, but keeps shuffling across the headlights with his cart of belongings.
I laugh. An awful sound. Harsh. High. Ugly. Glass breaking in my throat laugh. I don’t move. I just lower my head onto the steering wheel. And I cry. I’m almost home and I cry finally.
I shake, cry, and sob. God…another song of misery of crazy fucked up crazy ass shit goddamn and fuck! More laughing.
But that helped. I look around again. Not a good place to stop. Lakeshore Drive. I can see a cop moving in my direction already. Even this late at night, it’s still the tourist area.
I drive slowly away, not stopping when he waves me down. I have to get home. My husband is waiting for me. God, help me…
Chapter 26 HIM
“Max!” Dad is yelling from the guest room. “Max! Get in here!” I’ve only just thrown my running shoes into the closet.
Since the crowd of reporters has been staying longer again, I’ve been running in the middle of the night. There’s only a small group now that waits for me to return before giving up for good for the night. But avoiding the vultures isn’t the real reason. I can’t sleep and it’s an excuse to work out my anger. I felt empty after
This thought is more than I can take. With one small shudder, every tear I’ve held back is shaken loose. I stand in the cold with my hands at my sides, open, my head back, the tears not stopping. I can’t control the emptiness I feel.
I’d give anything to be able to hold onto the rage. To not feel this helplessness. But it’s all I have. I’m lost without her.
Chapter 25 HER
Even driving like a madwoman, it’s taken a long time to get back. My limbs are stiff and heavy. My lids are hard to keep up. But there’s my home. My city. My skyline.
The drive has given me time to think. Sort of. My mind keeps fragmenting.
Pictures pop of Max. Me. Us. But I can’t put them in order. Today, tomorrow, yesterday, last week?
The fragment that won’t stop flying across the windshield, my wicked witch on a broomstick…I’ll get you and your snarling dog too…
Max’s look of anger. That night. His angriest face. The night I always go back to.
It’s filled my nightmares, my dreams, my days.
All because a man I barely knew touched my hand. That sparked Max’s rage. A rule broken. And I had to pay the price for that.
Even in a cage. I woke with that night in my head. Even with Ben’s fists on me. I pictured that face.
I haven’t admitted this to myself…until I was free, there was no point in thinking about…
Max. My beautiful angry husband.
How can I face you now?!
I didn’t let this happen…not like that night…I could’ve done something to stop Rich that night…should’ve done something…
But this…this is so much more, so much worse…Ben beat me, fucked me. Max will know this. I laugh. Everyone will know this. Just look at me…but Max won’t be able to deal with this…he won’t be able to control his anger...he won’t be able to look at me the same way.
He’s a man who has to be in control. I’ve known this…almost since the beginning. I’ve given him everything…but now. Now.
I have to stop thinking for a minute, concentrate on the sound of the road, the lights and signs passing me. I have to blink away tears and swallow more air.
Now. I’ll never be the same again. Not to Max. Not to myself.
And…the part I’ve only let myself whisper, trapped in bed next to a monster…
I blame him. I blame Max.
I blame myself.
I blame Ben of course…but I ran him over. I feel a strange smile on my lips at this thought. I touch my lips and it goes away.
I’m free. And trapped in a nightmare still.
I blink through the tears, not stopping them, just need to see dammit.
A homeless man crosses out of nowhere in front of me. I have to slam on the brakes to avoid him. My forearms hitting against the steering wheel. I don’t feel the pain shooting up my arms. He curses at me, but keeps shuffling across the headlights with his cart of belongings.
I laugh. An awful sound. Harsh. High. Ugly. Glass breaking in my throat laugh. I don’t move. I just lower my head onto the steering wheel. And I cry. I’m almost home and I cry finally.
I shake, cry, and sob. God…another song of misery of crazy fucked up crazy ass shit goddamn and fuck! More laughing.
But that helped. I look around again. Not a good place to stop. Lakeshore Drive. I can see a cop moving in my direction already. Even this late at night, it’s still the tourist area.
I drive slowly away, not stopping when he waves me down. I have to get home. My husband is waiting for me. God, help me…
Chapter 26 HIM
“Max!” Dad is yelling from the guest room. “Max! Get in here!” I’ve only just thrown my running shoes into the closet.
Since the crowd of reporters has been staying longer again, I’ve been running in the middle of the night. There’s only a small group now that waits for me to return before giving up for good for the night. But avoiding the vultures isn’t the real reason. I can’t sleep and it’s an excuse to work out my anger. I felt empty after
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