her
hold on his neck.
“Oof, GET, oof, OFF, oof, ME!” the guy wheezes with each bounce as Liz lands on him.
“Tell us why you’ve been following our friend or I am going to mace you, you sick
fuck,” Liz yells as Claire gets behind her and gently removes the taser hooks from
her ass.
The guy has on a baseball cap and dark sunglasses and I can’t see his face, but there
is something familiar about his voice. I don’t know what to do at this point except
just stand there helplessly and try to figure out how I know the man’s voice. I know
I should get in there and help Liz out, but I’m kind of afraid of her right now.
She might mistake me for the enemy and break my face.
While I just stand there, Claire reaches into the waistband of Liz’s leggings and
pulls out the can of mace, holding it out in front of her as she circles the pair
on the ground as they continue to struggle and Liz continues to lob insults at him.
“Just say the word, dude, and I will waste this mother fucker!” Claire says excitedly.
“I’ve always wanted to say that!”
“Last chance, buddy. Why were you following our friend?” Liz asks as she arches her
back and brings the guy's head up at an awkward angle since her arm is still locked
tightly around his neck.
“I’ll never talk. You can’t make me!” the guy says brokenly as he pants and struggles
to get Liz off of him.
I can’t just stand there anymore. I need to do something. I walk up behind Claire
and tap her on the shoulder. She must not have noticed I joined them because as soon
as my fingers touches her arm, her body jolts in fright and she lets out a scream,
the action causing her finger to slip and press down on the red button on the can
of mace.
Within seconds, streams of liquid fire are hitting everyone in the face, including
Claire herself as she screams and panics, her arms flying all over the place. I immediately
drop to the ground coughing hysterically, tears running down my face. This burns
worse than the time Drew ate hot wings and then went down on me. It feels like my
eyes are bleeding and I can’t stop coughing.
In the chaos of screams, coughs and crying, I blindly reach into my back pocket and
pull out my cell phone, pressing the button on the side of it for the voice command
thingy since I can’t see to dial.
“CALL DREW! FUCKING HELL, CALL AN AMBULANCE!”
“Did you say, call Claire?”
“NO! CLAIRE IS RIGHT HERE, YOU IDIOT! I SAID CALL DREW! HELP!”
“Did you say browse the web?”
“YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO BE A SMART PHONE, YOU PIECE OF SHIT!”
“Did you say send a message?”
“NO, ASSHOLE! WAIT, YES! YES, YES, YES! SEND A MESSAGE TO DREW! TELL HIM WE’VE
BEEN ATTACKED AND WE’RE DYING. TELL HIM WE NEED THE POLICE, A DOCTOR, AND HANDCUFFS!”
“Sending message to, Doctor Madison.
I throw the phone away from me and curl up in the fetal position in the grass, not
even caring that I just sent a message to the new marriage counselor I had scheduled
an appointment with for Drew and me. She has Drew’s phone number in her records so
maybe she’ll get the text and call him.
I still hear shouts and crying all around me and squint open my eyes as best I can.
The tears are pouring down my face and what I see is blurry, but it looks like Liz
now has Claire in a headlock and the stalker is on all fours puking in the bush.
“OH MY GOD, MY EYES!!!” the guy shouts.
And just like that, I know exactly who my stalker is. Just a few years ago he had
yelled the exact same thing when he walked into our living room and saw Drew doing
a handstand against the wall next to the couch while I gave him a blow job.
With squinty eyes, I push myself up onto my hands and knees and crawl over to the
figure still heaving in the shrubs.
“Dad? Is that you?” I ask.
“I am an absolute disgrace! What is your major malfunction, numb nuts?
hold on his neck.
“Oof, GET, oof, OFF, oof, ME!” the guy wheezes with each bounce as Liz lands on him.
“Tell us why you’ve been following our friend or I am going to mace you, you sick
fuck,” Liz yells as Claire gets behind her and gently removes the taser hooks from
her ass.
The guy has on a baseball cap and dark sunglasses and I can’t see his face, but there
is something familiar about his voice. I don’t know what to do at this point except
just stand there helplessly and try to figure out how I know the man’s voice. I know
I should get in there and help Liz out, but I’m kind of afraid of her right now.
She might mistake me for the enemy and break my face.
While I just stand there, Claire reaches into the waistband of Liz’s leggings and
pulls out the can of mace, holding it out in front of her as she circles the pair
on the ground as they continue to struggle and Liz continues to lob insults at him.
“Just say the word, dude, and I will waste this mother fucker!” Claire says excitedly.
“I’ve always wanted to say that!”
“Last chance, buddy. Why were you following our friend?” Liz asks as she arches her
back and brings the guy's head up at an awkward angle since her arm is still locked
tightly around his neck.
“I’ll never talk. You can’t make me!” the guy says brokenly as he pants and struggles
to get Liz off of him.
I can’t just stand there anymore. I need to do something. I walk up behind Claire
and tap her on the shoulder. She must not have noticed I joined them because as soon
as my fingers touches her arm, her body jolts in fright and she lets out a scream,
the action causing her finger to slip and press down on the red button on the can
of mace.
Within seconds, streams of liquid fire are hitting everyone in the face, including
Claire herself as she screams and panics, her arms flying all over the place. I immediately
drop to the ground coughing hysterically, tears running down my face. This burns
worse than the time Drew ate hot wings and then went down on me. It feels like my
eyes are bleeding and I can’t stop coughing.
In the chaos of screams, coughs and crying, I blindly reach into my back pocket and
pull out my cell phone, pressing the button on the side of it for the voice command
thingy since I can’t see to dial.
“CALL DREW! FUCKING HELL, CALL AN AMBULANCE!”
“Did you say, call Claire?”
“NO! CLAIRE IS RIGHT HERE, YOU IDIOT! I SAID CALL DREW! HELP!”
“Did you say browse the web?”
“YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO BE A SMART PHONE, YOU PIECE OF SHIT!”
“Did you say send a message?”
“NO, ASSHOLE! WAIT, YES! YES, YES, YES! SEND A MESSAGE TO DREW! TELL HIM WE’VE
BEEN ATTACKED AND WE’RE DYING. TELL HIM WE NEED THE POLICE, A DOCTOR, AND HANDCUFFS!”
“Sending message to, Doctor Madison.
I throw the phone away from me and curl up in the fetal position in the grass, not
even caring that I just sent a message to the new marriage counselor I had scheduled
an appointment with for Drew and me. She has Drew’s phone number in her records so
maybe she’ll get the text and call him.
I still hear shouts and crying all around me and squint open my eyes as best I can.
The tears are pouring down my face and what I see is blurry, but it looks like Liz
now has Claire in a headlock and the stalker is on all fours puking in the bush.
“OH MY GOD, MY EYES!!!” the guy shouts.
And just like that, I know exactly who my stalker is. Just a few years ago he had
yelled the exact same thing when he walked into our living room and saw Drew doing
a handstand against the wall next to the couch while I gave him a blow job.
With squinty eyes, I push myself up onto my hands and knees and crawl over to the
figure still heaving in the shrubs.
“Dad? Is that you?” I ask.
“I am an absolute disgrace! What is your major malfunction, numb nuts?
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