out. Swallowing, she tried to push it down.
She was curled at his side. He was sitting against the headboard. When she looked up, he smiled and brushed her hair from her face.
“Good morning. How’re you feeling?”
“Good,” she lied. Then she remembered that she’d spent the night before tripping on ‘shrooms, and she considered if, in addition to the weight on her chest, she was feeling any ill effects. No. No, actually—except for her chest, she felt okay. “I’m good.”
Her memory of the night was odd. It seemed clear, but it didn’t make a lot of sense. Everything seemed to have flowed together. She remembered lying outside with Nolan for a long time. She remembered how amazing his body had felt, and her body, and everything she touched. She remembered the way the ocean had sung to her, with actual words. She remembered watching television and the cartoons jumping around in the room with her. And she remembered feeling It wrapping her up in black ropes.
She remembered that Nolan had told her he loved her, and that he had insisted it was true.
Settling her head on his chest, she ignored the way her lungs demanded more room. “How are you?”
“I’m good, too.” He combed his fingers through her hair, and she closed her eyes and let the gentle sweetness of that caress distract her from her tightening chest. “What’s left on your list, Ani?”
“Let’s see…Make a movie. Which reminds me.” She started to turn to the nightstand and get her phone, but he held her in place.
“Let’s just keep this moment between us, okay?” She nodded, and he asked, “What else?”
“Invent something cool. Buy a house.”
“I know those. What about your secret list? What other scary desires are lurking in your pretty head?” He tapped her temple lightly.
There were three. Or, she guessed, after their talk about condoms, now only two. But she didn’t want to tell him the last one. She was pretty sure she knew how and when she’d cross that one off. “Just one. Make Thanksgiving dinner for my family.”
His finger curled under her chin, and he lifted her head so that she was looking up into his eyes. Their blue was a wonder—sometimes the color was so deeply vibrant they seemed faceted; other times the blue was so dark they were almost black. Her blue eyes were just weird, the color pale and watery.
“Why is that on your secret list? That seems like the easiest one on either list.”
“Because I want to do it in my own house, and I want to do it myself. I used to cook with my mom. It was fun. But if my dad knows about it, he’ll want to fix it up for me.” She moved her head off his finger and settled back on his chest. “And I have to be alive for Thanksgiving to be able to do it.” Thanksgiving was six weeks away.
His arm tensed around her. “I love you, Ani.”
Those words were so wonderful to hear that her eyes began to burn. But she wanted them to be real. “I changed my mind. I don’t want you to lie to me.”
“I’m not lying. I was wrong when I said I didn’t. I just hadn’t let myself see it.”
Her burning eyes ran over and wet his chest, but she fought back actual sobs—if she started to really cry, she wouldn’t be able to hold back the coughing. As it was, she was nearing a crisis and needed to send him off to take a shower or something soon. She didn’t want him to know that she was getting sicker. She didn’t want him to be different with her, the way her father was different with her.
“I love you, Nolan.”
He rolled her onto her back and hovered over her. She thought he was going to kiss her, but he only brushed his fingertips over her cheekbone. “How about ‘be a mom’? That’s on your list, too, right?”
Lying flat like this made her chest hurt more, but she forced her mind to overcome that matter. She shook her head. “You were right yesterday. I can’t have
She was curled at his side. He was sitting against the headboard. When she looked up, he smiled and brushed her hair from her face.
“Good morning. How’re you feeling?”
“Good,” she lied. Then she remembered that she’d spent the night before tripping on ‘shrooms, and she considered if, in addition to the weight on her chest, she was feeling any ill effects. No. No, actually—except for her chest, she felt okay. “I’m good.”
Her memory of the night was odd. It seemed clear, but it didn’t make a lot of sense. Everything seemed to have flowed together. She remembered lying outside with Nolan for a long time. She remembered how amazing his body had felt, and her body, and everything she touched. She remembered the way the ocean had sung to her, with actual words. She remembered watching television and the cartoons jumping around in the room with her. And she remembered feeling It wrapping her up in black ropes.
She remembered that Nolan had told her he loved her, and that he had insisted it was true.
Settling her head on his chest, she ignored the way her lungs demanded more room. “How are you?”
“I’m good, too.” He combed his fingers through her hair, and she closed her eyes and let the gentle sweetness of that caress distract her from her tightening chest. “What’s left on your list, Ani?”
“Let’s see…Make a movie. Which reminds me.” She started to turn to the nightstand and get her phone, but he held her in place.
“Let’s just keep this moment between us, okay?” She nodded, and he asked, “What else?”
“Invent something cool. Buy a house.”
“I know those. What about your secret list? What other scary desires are lurking in your pretty head?” He tapped her temple lightly.
There were three. Or, she guessed, after their talk about condoms, now only two. But she didn’t want to tell him the last one. She was pretty sure she knew how and when she’d cross that one off. “Just one. Make Thanksgiving dinner for my family.”
His finger curled under her chin, and he lifted her head so that she was looking up into his eyes. Their blue was a wonder—sometimes the color was so deeply vibrant they seemed faceted; other times the blue was so dark they were almost black. Her blue eyes were just weird, the color pale and watery.
“Why is that on your secret list? That seems like the easiest one on either list.”
“Because I want to do it in my own house, and I want to do it myself. I used to cook with my mom. It was fun. But if my dad knows about it, he’ll want to fix it up for me.” She moved her head off his finger and settled back on his chest. “And I have to be alive for Thanksgiving to be able to do it.” Thanksgiving was six weeks away.
His arm tensed around her. “I love you, Ani.”
Those words were so wonderful to hear that her eyes began to burn. But she wanted them to be real. “I changed my mind. I don’t want you to lie to me.”
“I’m not lying. I was wrong when I said I didn’t. I just hadn’t let myself see it.”
Her burning eyes ran over and wet his chest, but she fought back actual sobs—if she started to really cry, she wouldn’t be able to hold back the coughing. As it was, she was nearing a crisis and needed to send him off to take a shower or something soon. She didn’t want him to know that she was getting sicker. She didn’t want him to be different with her, the way her father was different with her.
“I love you, Nolan.”
He rolled her onto her back and hovered over her. She thought he was going to kiss her, but he only brushed his fingertips over her cheekbone. “How about ‘be a mom’? That’s on your list, too, right?”
Lying flat like this made her chest hurt more, but she forced her mind to overcome that matter. She shook her head. “You were right yesterday. I can’t have
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