THIS Is Me... by Sarah Ann Walker

want any of this.  I don't even know what I look like, but I know I don't want it.  Why is she so mean to me?
     
      “Oh, shit!  I'm so sorry Suzanne.  I know I'm a total bitch but I swear I'm not usually with you.  Just with everyone else.  Ask Mack and Kayla- they'll tell you,” she exhales.  “I'm just so tired and scared all the time with you because there’s never any peace around you.  And I’m never sure how to handle it all so I act like a bitch usually.  Look, I don't really do warm and fuzzy so I’m mostly hard and bitchy, but that's my shit NOT yours.  Please don't cry Suzanne.  Please.  Plus, Mack and Kayla will be pissed at me for fucking you up, and Z will absolutely kill me.”
  Looking at her, I just can't understand this Kayla as the Kayla I remember.  She was always so strong and tough and awesome at work.  She was never sorry, or tired, or scared.  She was just the funny, kind of slutty Kayla from work, who I always talked to because no one else really did.  Except for the men, of course.
     
      “Look Kayla, I'm okay.  But I'm really tired now, so I really need you to leave.  I'm not trying to be all dramatic -”
  “I'm sorry, I didn't mean that.”
  “It's fine.  Forget it.  I'm just exhausted, so please leave me alone.  I need to sleep badly.  Okay?  But thank you for visiting, I really appreciate it.”
  “Okay Suzanne... But I'm really sorry I upset you.  If it makes you feel any better I'm going to tell on myself to Mack and Kayla, AND I'm going to kick my own ass afterward.” 
  Okay, I don't even know what that means, but it's kind of funny.
  “Okay.  You do that, and I'll see you some other time.  Thanks for stopping by.”
  “I'm coming back tomorrow, I promise.”
  “Okay, thank you.  Good night.”
  Leaning in, Kayla suddenly hugs me, which actually makes me tense right up and even flinch a little.  I suddenly feel so trapped and uncomfortable; I can't wait for her to leave.  This feels so gross to me.
  “Goodbye Suzanne. I miss you.”
 
      Leaving my room, I see her tears and again I know I'm supposed to feel something for her sadness, but I really don't.  It's like I'm heartless or numb to her upset, which I think is good.  If I felt like shit on top of the mental aerobics I'm suffering I think I may just lose my mind.  There is only so much I can take. 
  Exhaling a big breath, I once again find my hand resting between my cheek and the pillow.  Touching my face, I feel the bumps and weird skin.  I swear it feels hot on my fingertips.  Strangely, the pattern feels almost interesting as I touch it with my fingers, though clearly not interesting enough that I want to actually look at it.
  I wonder what I look like now.  I wonder how many layers of gross I've added to myself.  I wonder if I'll be known now as ‘The short, big-assed, wide-hipped, ugly-faced Woman’.  Giggle.  Shit, I really am mental sometimes.
  Closing my eyes, it's time for me.  This reality sucks, so maybe my dream reality will be easier to handle.  I mean really... How much worse can it get? 
      Ooops, probably just jinxed myself.  Ha!  Dammit.
 
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
    CHAPTER 14
     
    MAY 23
     
     
     
     
      Thinking again about that man Z, I'm almost excited.  It's so weird to try to understand and remember a relationship I don't know at all.  It's even harder trying to forget the relationship I DO know with Marcus simply because strangers tell me it's over.
  Moving slowly, I turn to my left side and there he is.  Wow!  I just think about him and he's here?   I wonder if my power reaches beyond just him.  That would be an amazingly useful power to have.  Think and you shall receive.  Giggle.
     
      “Suzanne... How are you, love?”
  “Ah, good.  I’m sore and a little uncomfortable, but okay.  Why are you here?”
  “I'm always