The Witch's Brew: A Collection of Hilarious Short Stories Starring the Wicked Witch of the West by Darrin Mason Page B
Authors: Darrin Mason
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wouldn’t rest until it did. But first she took a tour of the factory so she could familiarize herself with it. Her first port of call in the tour was the television room, home to the famous WinkaVision. This was one of Wally’s favorite rooms in the whole factory and Wendy was not surprised, for it was grand and she was wowed by it.
A Bumpa-Lumpa gave her a white jumpsuit which she put on, then led her to the middle of the room where another Bumpa-Lumpa was waiting to flick a switch that would turn on what looked like a very big ray gun. When they got there, he flicked the switch and the very big ray gun turned on. The first Bumpa-Lumpa placed a Winka Bar on the table in front of the ray gun and the second Bumpa-Lumpa pressed a button. The ray gun whizzed and whirred and a beam of blue light shot out of the end of the barrel and hit the bar of chocolate. The chocolate disappeared into thin air and soon hundreds and thousands of twinkling particles appeared above their heads. The particles floated over to the transporter and when the particles came back together Captain James in Nothing but a T-Shirt Including No Pants was standing before them. He looked around, wondering where he was.
The Wicked Witch stepped forward and poked the Captain in the chest. He was real, alright. She turned back to the Bumpa-Lumpas. “Where’s the fucking chocolate gone?” she asked.
The Bumpa-Lumpas looked at each other then back at the Wicked Witch and shrugged.
The Wicked Witch shook her head then said to the Bumpa-Lumpas, “You guys can’t get anything right. No wonder Wally’s brand name has gone to shit. Get the hell out of my sight and don’t come back.”
The Bumpa-Lumpas stormed off. They left the room and slammed the door shut behind them.
The Witch turned to the Captain. “I’m truly sorry about this, Captain. You just can’t get good help these days.”
The door opened up again and the Bumpa-Lumpas the Wicked Witch had just fired came back into the room and they were armed with M60 machine guns and a hell of a lot of bullets. They began firing and the Captain and the Wicked Witch ran for their lives. Augustus Septemberus and Octoberus Gloop tried to run too but someone so fat they took up three whole months had no hope of getting anywhere at all let alone fast. As a result, he was hit in the back several times and fell head first into the chocolate river. His body got caught in a chute but the pressure behind it soon forced it out the top. It went flying through the air and banged into the side of Apollo 13 which was making a return trip to the moon following its ill-fated last trip on which it was hit by a cow trying to jump over the moon. The astronauts surveyed the damage and came to the conclusion that, “Houston, you ain’t gonna believe this, but now we have another problem. Damn it.”
The Captain and the Wicked Witch ducked and weaved as bullet after bullet whizzed by. They dived behind a bush and the Bumpa-Lumpas ran by. The Captain soon realized he had hurt his toe and removed his boot. He saw that his toenail had split and a small amount of blood had been spilled. The Wicked Witch looked at the Captain and toenail whose chart success spanned much of the 70s and early 80s and said, “I’m a huge fan. Can I please have your autograph?”
The Captain signed his name then handed the pen to toenail who refused to sign on the grounds of religious differences. He thought he was God and she disagreed.
The Bumpa-Lumpas soon realized they were no longer chasing the Captain and the Wicked Witch , and turned back. They found the twosome hiding behind the bush and aimed their machine guns at them. The Wicked Witch waved her wand. The Bumpa-Lumpas pulled their triggers and out came soap suds instead of bullets. The Captain smiled for the Wicked Witch had thought fast and turned their weapons into washing machine guns. The patent for this wonderful new invention in which America’s guns are used to wash clothes
A Bumpa-Lumpa gave her a white jumpsuit which she put on, then led her to the middle of the room where another Bumpa-Lumpa was waiting to flick a switch that would turn on what looked like a very big ray gun. When they got there, he flicked the switch and the very big ray gun turned on. The first Bumpa-Lumpa placed a Winka Bar on the table in front of the ray gun and the second Bumpa-Lumpa pressed a button. The ray gun whizzed and whirred and a beam of blue light shot out of the end of the barrel and hit the bar of chocolate. The chocolate disappeared into thin air and soon hundreds and thousands of twinkling particles appeared above their heads. The particles floated over to the transporter and when the particles came back together Captain James in Nothing but a T-Shirt Including No Pants was standing before them. He looked around, wondering where he was.
The Wicked Witch stepped forward and poked the Captain in the chest. He was real, alright. She turned back to the Bumpa-Lumpas. “Where’s the fucking chocolate gone?” she asked.
The Bumpa-Lumpas looked at each other then back at the Wicked Witch and shrugged.
The Wicked Witch shook her head then said to the Bumpa-Lumpas, “You guys can’t get anything right. No wonder Wally’s brand name has gone to shit. Get the hell out of my sight and don’t come back.”
The Bumpa-Lumpas stormed off. They left the room and slammed the door shut behind them.
The Witch turned to the Captain. “I’m truly sorry about this, Captain. You just can’t get good help these days.”
The door opened up again and the Bumpa-Lumpas the Wicked Witch had just fired came back into the room and they were armed with M60 machine guns and a hell of a lot of bullets. They began firing and the Captain and the Wicked Witch ran for their lives. Augustus Septemberus and Octoberus Gloop tried to run too but someone so fat they took up three whole months had no hope of getting anywhere at all let alone fast. As a result, he was hit in the back several times and fell head first into the chocolate river. His body got caught in a chute but the pressure behind it soon forced it out the top. It went flying through the air and banged into the side of Apollo 13 which was making a return trip to the moon following its ill-fated last trip on which it was hit by a cow trying to jump over the moon. The astronauts surveyed the damage and came to the conclusion that, “Houston, you ain’t gonna believe this, but now we have another problem. Damn it.”
The Captain and the Wicked Witch ducked and weaved as bullet after bullet whizzed by. They dived behind a bush and the Bumpa-Lumpas ran by. The Captain soon realized he had hurt his toe and removed his boot. He saw that his toenail had split and a small amount of blood had been spilled. The Wicked Witch looked at the Captain and toenail whose chart success spanned much of the 70s and early 80s and said, “I’m a huge fan. Can I please have your autograph?”
The Captain signed his name then handed the pen to toenail who refused to sign on the grounds of religious differences. He thought he was God and she disagreed.
The Bumpa-Lumpas soon realized they were no longer chasing the Captain and the Wicked Witch , and turned back. They found the twosome hiding behind the bush and aimed their machine guns at them. The Wicked Witch waved her wand. The Bumpa-Lumpas pulled their triggers and out came soap suds instead of bullets. The Captain smiled for the Wicked Witch had thought fast and turned their weapons into washing machine guns. The patent for this wonderful new invention in which America’s guns are used to wash clothes
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