before she ran into the back garden.
Mimi got up and opened the door for Anthony, who was knocking relentlessly.
“Where did she go?”
Mimi pointed toward the back. “You might not find her,” she said. “She thinks she’s disappearing.”
“I never wanted to hurt her, Mimi.”
“Love hurts. Now … now you know what it’s like … now you get to make the decision.”
“What decision, Mimi?”
“To follow her or to run away.”
Anthony followed Elly’s trail through the apartment.
“That’s right,” said Mimi to herself. “He doesn’t run away, that boy. He stays.”
“Elly?” He found her sitting on the bench.
“I’m disappearing. You can’t love me, I’m not here,” Elly whispered.
He sat next to her. “Elly, you are not disappearing. It’s the part of you that needs to go that’s going. You’ll still be here when it’s gone.”
Elly leaned over and put her head between her knees. “It hurts, ” she cried. “Oh God, it hurts so much.”
Anthony stood up. “Come with me.”
Elly shook her head “no” between her knees.
“Come on, take my hand…”
Elly looked up, the sun obscured all but his shadow. A dark space just like hers. She got up and placed her hand in his. “Where are we going?”
“We’re going back in time.”
He walked fast in the late winter sun, her small hand swallowed up by his. Warm. She wanted her whole body to feel like that. They walked for a few blocks in silence and then arrived at a playground. Empty in the early winter twilight.
“We played here,” she said.
It was a small square playground surrounded by barren trees. There was a swing set, a massive domed metal jungle gym, a slide, and a basketball court. All of it bathed in slightly muted light as the sun set, too early.
“Princess Babygirl, would you like a ride on the royal swing?” he asked, extending his arm toward the swing set.
Elly sat down on a swing, the cold metal chains smooth against her palms.
“Want a push?” he asked.
And then she was flying, flying into the evening, trying to touch her toes to the tree branches, black against a purple sky. And Anthony was on the swing next to her, flying, too. Laughing.
There was power in the controlled flight. Elly remembered being small and finding the perfect point at which to let go and let her body arc through the sky before landing on the ground. She almost released her grip. Her body jerked back, Anthony pulled on her swing before she had a chance to jump.
“Not today, Elly,” he said. “You could hurt the baby.”
The baby. Reality slammed back into her.
They swung gently back and forth. A comfortable silence settled between them.
She looked at him with a sideways glace. “Anthony?”
“Princess?”
“He hit me.”
“He won’t anymore,” said Anthony.
“I let him,” said Elly, wiping away more infuriating tears.
“You were afraid.”
“I’m afraid now.”
Anthony pulled her swing around and locked his legs around hers so that they couldn’t swing apart. “Yes, but the difference is I’m never going to hurt you.”
“But what if I hurt you? Or worse, what if I make you hurt me? And then you won’t be able to forgive yourself, and then…”
“Elly, I’m never going to leave you. Period,” Anthony interrupted.
“How do I know that? How can I know for sure? How can you know for sure?”
“Because I already stayed. I already did it. I’ve waited. I’ve lived through you leaving and then coming back and not remembering me. I’ve lived through that traumatic Christmas when you kissed me and then left me cold,” he laughed.
“That’s not funny, said Elly, breaking away from him and swinging alone. “I didn’t want to leave that night either. Carmen made me.”
“Come here,” he said, his arms open. “Swing with me.”
Elly climbed on his lap, facing him, slipping her legs by his sides. He covered her smallish hands with his large ones.
Anthony began to swing slowly, their
Mimi got up and opened the door for Anthony, who was knocking relentlessly.
“Where did she go?”
Mimi pointed toward the back. “You might not find her,” she said. “She thinks she’s disappearing.”
“I never wanted to hurt her, Mimi.”
“Love hurts. Now … now you know what it’s like … now you get to make the decision.”
“What decision, Mimi?”
“To follow her or to run away.”
Anthony followed Elly’s trail through the apartment.
“That’s right,” said Mimi to herself. “He doesn’t run away, that boy. He stays.”
“Elly?” He found her sitting on the bench.
“I’m disappearing. You can’t love me, I’m not here,” Elly whispered.
He sat next to her. “Elly, you are not disappearing. It’s the part of you that needs to go that’s going. You’ll still be here when it’s gone.”
Elly leaned over and put her head between her knees. “It hurts, ” she cried. “Oh God, it hurts so much.”
Anthony stood up. “Come with me.”
Elly shook her head “no” between her knees.
“Come on, take my hand…”
Elly looked up, the sun obscured all but his shadow. A dark space just like hers. She got up and placed her hand in his. “Where are we going?”
“We’re going back in time.”
He walked fast in the late winter sun, her small hand swallowed up by his. Warm. She wanted her whole body to feel like that. They walked for a few blocks in silence and then arrived at a playground. Empty in the early winter twilight.
“We played here,” she said.
It was a small square playground surrounded by barren trees. There was a swing set, a massive domed metal jungle gym, a slide, and a basketball court. All of it bathed in slightly muted light as the sun set, too early.
“Princess Babygirl, would you like a ride on the royal swing?” he asked, extending his arm toward the swing set.
Elly sat down on a swing, the cold metal chains smooth against her palms.
“Want a push?” he asked.
And then she was flying, flying into the evening, trying to touch her toes to the tree branches, black against a purple sky. And Anthony was on the swing next to her, flying, too. Laughing.
There was power in the controlled flight. Elly remembered being small and finding the perfect point at which to let go and let her body arc through the sky before landing on the ground. She almost released her grip. Her body jerked back, Anthony pulled on her swing before she had a chance to jump.
“Not today, Elly,” he said. “You could hurt the baby.”
The baby. Reality slammed back into her.
They swung gently back and forth. A comfortable silence settled between them.
She looked at him with a sideways glace. “Anthony?”
“Princess?”
“He hit me.”
“He won’t anymore,” said Anthony.
“I let him,” said Elly, wiping away more infuriating tears.
“You were afraid.”
“I’m afraid now.”
Anthony pulled her swing around and locked his legs around hers so that they couldn’t swing apart. “Yes, but the difference is I’m never going to hurt you.”
“But what if I hurt you? Or worse, what if I make you hurt me? And then you won’t be able to forgive yourself, and then…”
“Elly, I’m never going to leave you. Period,” Anthony interrupted.
“How do I know that? How can I know for sure? How can you know for sure?”
“Because I already stayed. I already did it. I’ve waited. I’ve lived through you leaving and then coming back and not remembering me. I’ve lived through that traumatic Christmas when you kissed me and then left me cold,” he laughed.
“That’s not funny, said Elly, breaking away from him and swinging alone. “I didn’t want to leave that night either. Carmen made me.”
“Come here,” he said, his arms open. “Swing with me.”
Elly climbed on his lap, facing him, slipping her legs by his sides. He covered her smallish hands with his large ones.
Anthony began to swing slowly, their
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