The Ultimate Guide to Sexual Fantasy by Violet Blue Page A

provide. And the people you’re looking for will be looking for you, too.
    You may already have someone—or a few someones—in mind for your erotic adventure; you might be looking for the experience of a threesome with no one in particular; or your fantasy might be about trying your luck with strangers. Your options are open: The possibilities include approaching someone you know, going out to clubs or bars on sexually themed nights, attending sex parties or swingers’ functions, and yes, advertising.
    Friends and acquaintances might seem appealing as potential sex partners, but there is a lot to consider before you approach someone you know. The risks are obvious—rejection, loss of friendship, or a lot of discomfort if the person is a coworker or a regular companion. Consider as off limits anyone whose workplace you frequent, such as your local coffee shop, unless you already have an amorous outside-of-work relationship blooming, and everyone is clear about boundaries. As with any sexual relationship, you stand to lose someone as a friend if the proposal, or the suggestion of one, isn’t well received. Or if the experience proves less than satisfying.
    If you do decide to pursue someone you know, look for clues that would indicate an interest in your fantasy. Ask yourself if your acquaintance is sexually adventurous—think about whether they are comfortable talking to you openly about sex and whether they have ever mentioned your particular fantasy. But even if you know they’re into trying a threesome, it may still be beyond the boundaries of your friendship to propose such a fundamental change to its parameters. Find out. Tell him or her what you and your lover are interested in, and see how they react. If the response is positive, be direct. Tell them that there’s no pressure—they aren’t to answer you right away, and you’d like to discuss it again if they feel comfortable.
    Directness can be scary at first, but it’s your most helpful tool. Being honest about your fantasies, expectations, concerns, and boundaries is your insurance against miscommunication, mistrust, and mishaps. And it can keep you from getting involved with someone incompatible. But most important of all, articulating what you want is the best way to make your fantasies come true, especially with sexual scenarios and when dealing with strangers.
    Couples who cruise together might want to create a private code for communicating to each other their interest in a new candidate they are “interviewing,” in order to avoid the embarrassment of giving mixed signals. The question “Are you thirsty?” could be your code for “What do you think of this guy?” A no would mean “no way,” and a yes would give the go-ahead to flirt and play. It’s a very good idea to have another code that means, “Let’s move on” or “Get me outta here.”
    Negotiating your desires can be a matter of a quick conversation over drinks, or can take days or weeks of getting to know each other. There might be a lot to discuss, such as fantasy details, rules and limits, safe words, what type of sex is okay, safer sex (who’s got condoms), spending the night or the weekend together, who pays for the whipped cream or the hotel room, and so on. You’ll talk about all of this as the planning progresses, and everyone has the option of changing their minds as the actual event unfolds. Granted, negotiation can be as simple as “My boyfriend and I think you’re really hot, and we have a room upstairs if you’re interested.” But you’ll have more time for fun, for relaxing, and getting into the action if you get certain details out of the way—and out into the open—first. Play parties and sex parties have conduct rules for approaching potential sexpartners—don’t try anything until you’re clear on the rules, and consult your hosts if