The Ultimate Guide to Sex and Disability by Miriam Kaufman

We're supposed to learn how to do it ahead of time and surprise our partner. There is the implicit idea that to be a good lover we must somehow know what a partner wants before they have a chance to ask, and we shouldn't have to talk about what turns us on because your partner should know. There is little support for us to really talk about sex or sexuality, to speak honestly about our desires.
    Negative Beliefs
    Our own and others' beliefs and biases about sexuality can get in the way of communication. Growing up, we have all received messages about sex. If you were raised believing that you had no right to your own sexual desires, no right to your own body even, that your body was the property of doctors who were busy fixing you and that your desires were something you needed to get rid of, or were a luxury, all these factors can make it difficult for you to share sexual thoughts with others or even yourself. Most of us think that other people have an easier time talking about sexuality. But with a few exceptions, we're all raised with some sex-negative beliefs. So when any two of us get together the results can range from unbearable to embarrassing to comical to great.
    Extra expectations can be placed on anyone living with a disability. When we don't look like everyone else, or if we can't keep up with the speed of a conversation in a fast restaurant, or we can't go to a specific dance club because it's too smoky, nondisabled people tend to have an expectation that we will educate others about our differences. Sometimes this happens in a nice "gee, that's fascinating, tell me more" way, sometimes in an annoyed "why can't you be like everyone else?" way. Either way, one underlying message is that we are too much trouble, and it shouldn't be others' responsibility to make change. The message is that we're different and thus it's our responsibility to communicate all they need to know. Rarely do nondisabled people take the responsibility for their biases.

    Sexual Information and Vocabulary
    Many of us lack basic information about our bodies, desires, and sexual response. Sometimes we don't even have the language to discuss it. It's a bit like trying to talk about mathematics but not knowing any numbers. The situation is even worse than this, because we don't just have a lack of information, we have m/sinformation. Much of what we learn from the mainstream media is inaccurate or misleading. If all we know about sex is what we learned on television, then communicating with someone about our sexuality becomes very difficult. Some of us did not have access to the same kinds of sex education our peers did (and the sex education they received was hardly adequate). Very few of us are raised knowing the actual words for all our body parts, or being able to discuss them without shame or guilt.
    One of us works in a sex toy store and sees this all the time with nondisabled people as much as with people living with disabilities. People come into the store, obviously interested in buying a sex toy, and clearly wanting help, but they don't know how to ask. Some of this comes from embarrassment but often it's because they simply don't know what to ask for (since most of us don't know the finer details of sex toy lingo). Because they don't have a sex toy vocabulary, people end up flustered and will often leave without talking at all unless they are approached by someone friendly who can offer them the words to ask their questions. A lot of people who use augmentative or alternative communication may simply not have the symbols or the words to communicate about sex at all. Even when they have a keyboard to spell words out, they still need to know the words first.
    Privacy
    Another barrier to communicating about sex is privacy. Most of us have been taught that sexuality is a private matter. This can be another trap, because it leads to the idea that if you don't have privacy you can't have sex. Later on in this chapter we offer some tips on