themselves to say that they canât do the finances anymore, so they announce that they donât
want
to do them, but I donât recommend that. Most husbands hear this as a complaint, along the lines of âI donât want to do the laundry today,â rather than as a request for help.
I know you donât like the phrase âI canât.â I know women have spent the past thirty-five years affirming that we can do anything, I know that a good therapist might coach you to say âI choose not toâ instead of âcanât.â
However, the problem with eliminating the words âI canâtâ from your vocabulary is that it makes it very difficult to set limits. Saying âI canâtâ is a good shorthand for saying, âItâs not worth what it would cost me.â Itâs also a great reminder for anyone whoâs listening (including ourselves) that weâre mortal womenânot superwomen. Saying âI canâtâ is more vulnerable and more compelling because youâre not just complainingâyouâre acknowledging your own limits and admitting that you need assistance. Loving husbands always honor a cry for help.
For example, if your child came to you and said, âMom, I donât want to do my homework,â youâd probably respond by saying itâs understandable but that she had to do it anyway. On the other hand, if your child said, âMom, I canât do my homework,â youâd probably respond by offering some assistance. See the difference?
G OD D IDNâT P UT Y OU IN C HARGE OF THE B ILLS
S ometimes a woman who is accustomed to paying the bills has come to see it as her job, so when she puts down the checkbook, she feels as if she is not meeting her share of the responsibilities. She will ask me how she can get her husband to take responsibility for her job after all these years. If you feel this way, ask yourself why you believe handling the money is your responsibility. Unless God himself told you that you should do it, you probably just assumed the task years ago. All you have to do now is stop assuming it. You donât have to make your husband take it, you just have to let it go.
Iâm not saying itâs easy let go, but it is very simple. If youâre holding something you canât hold anymore, you just put it down.
A good way to relinquish financial responsibility is to get out the checkbook and say, âI canât pay the bills anymore. Iâm just too stressed and overwhelmed.â If you want, you can add that you feel he would do a better job with managing the money. Thatâs all you need to say, so once youâve said it, STOP TALKING. Then put the checkbook down on a table or counter or some other neutral spot. Donât pick it back up, even if you see it still there several days later.
Do not explain how to balance the checkbook.
Do not tell him which bills need to be paid.
Do not offer any assistance at all unless he specifically asks you for help. He probably wonât.
You may be wondering what happened to the part where he picks up the checkbook and happily and dutifully writes the checks without any confusion or confrontation. Donât worryabout that. You donât need to control what happens from here at all. Instead, focus on taking care of yourself, which youâve already started to do. Itâs up to him to figure out what to do next, and it may take him a little while to make a decision. You may not get a response like, âOkay, then Iâll take it over,â but let him take care of it anyway. The only other action you need to take is to give him your spending plan.
Itâs common for husbands to grumble or object when you have this conversation with them. Rememberâdonât engage. When Liz tried to relinquish the household finances, Greg expressed his disappointment in her: âI thought we were a team,â he complained.
want
to do them, but I donât recommend that. Most husbands hear this as a complaint, along the lines of âI donât want to do the laundry today,â rather than as a request for help.
I know you donât like the phrase âI canât.â I know women have spent the past thirty-five years affirming that we can do anything, I know that a good therapist might coach you to say âI choose not toâ instead of âcanât.â
However, the problem with eliminating the words âI canâtâ from your vocabulary is that it makes it very difficult to set limits. Saying âI canâtâ is a good shorthand for saying, âItâs not worth what it would cost me.â Itâs also a great reminder for anyone whoâs listening (including ourselves) that weâre mortal womenânot superwomen. Saying âI canâtâ is more vulnerable and more compelling because youâre not just complainingâyouâre acknowledging your own limits and admitting that you need assistance. Loving husbands always honor a cry for help.
For example, if your child came to you and said, âMom, I donât want to do my homework,â youâd probably respond by saying itâs understandable but that she had to do it anyway. On the other hand, if your child said, âMom, I canât do my homework,â youâd probably respond by offering some assistance. See the difference?
G OD D IDNâT P UT Y OU IN C HARGE OF THE B ILLS
S ometimes a woman who is accustomed to paying the bills has come to see it as her job, so when she puts down the checkbook, she feels as if she is not meeting her share of the responsibilities. She will ask me how she can get her husband to take responsibility for her job after all these years. If you feel this way, ask yourself why you believe handling the money is your responsibility. Unless God himself told you that you should do it, you probably just assumed the task years ago. All you have to do now is stop assuming it. You donât have to make your husband take it, you just have to let it go.
Iâm not saying itâs easy let go, but it is very simple. If youâre holding something you canât hold anymore, you just put it down.
A good way to relinquish financial responsibility is to get out the checkbook and say, âI canât pay the bills anymore. Iâm just too stressed and overwhelmed.â If you want, you can add that you feel he would do a better job with managing the money. Thatâs all you need to say, so once youâve said it, STOP TALKING. Then put the checkbook down on a table or counter or some other neutral spot. Donât pick it back up, even if you see it still there several days later.
Do not explain how to balance the checkbook.
Do not tell him which bills need to be paid.
Do not offer any assistance at all unless he specifically asks you for help. He probably wonât.
You may be wondering what happened to the part where he picks up the checkbook and happily and dutifully writes the checks without any confusion or confrontation. Donât worryabout that. You donât need to control what happens from here at all. Instead, focus on taking care of yourself, which youâve already started to do. Itâs up to him to figure out what to do next, and it may take him a little while to make a decision. You may not get a response like, âOkay, then Iâll take it over,â but let him take care of it anyway. The only other action you need to take is to give him your spending plan.
Itâs common for husbands to grumble or object when you have this conversation with them. Rememberâdonât engage. When Liz tried to relinquish the household finances, Greg expressed his disappointment in her: âI thought we were a team,â he complained.
Similar Books
