The Surrendered Wife

The Surrendered Wife by Laura Doyle Page A

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Authors: Laura Doyle
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“I don’t have time to do it because I work so much. It’s easier for you to do it.”
    Just listen to your husband’s response. Don’t offer to do anything differently. For example, if he says, “Well I certainly don’t have time to pay bills,” you could just acknowledge that you hear him by saying, “I hear you.” This doesn’t mean that you’re taking it back, just that you’re listening. Don’t try to fix the problem at this point, because you’ll only end up back where you started. Stick to your original declaration—that you just can’t do it. No further explanation is necessary.
    Fortunately, Liz was able to resist this bait and say nothing. Gregg did take over the checkbook, and later he even took over the books for Liz’s business. Some months later, I asked him how he liked handling all the finances for the family.
    â€œI wouldn’t have it any other way,” he said with a big smile.
    Obviously, he was feeling powerful and accomplished at providing so well for his family. Of course, that was partly because Liz had done such a good job with sticking to her spending plan.
    R EDISCOVERING H IS G ENEROUS N ATURE

    â€œOne does not toss out the gold because the bag is dirty.”
    â€”BUDDHA
    E ach wife I’ve suggested these steps to has had a list of objections as long as my arm. Some wives are concerned that managing the household finances will be too much of a burden for a husband who works hard, has health problems, or is not good at math. Whatever your objection, you are really saying that your husband is incapable. You are probably afraid to rely on him.
    Have a little faith. Remember, you married this man because you saw that he was smart and capable. Why should you doubt him now? He’s still that same dependable guy. Pretend you believe in him, even if you don’t feel that way and he will rise to the occasion. I see it happen every time.
    Having faith in your husband means that you don’t open the mail to see if he paid the bills on time. It means you don’t check the balance in the checking account to see what’s in there. It means you don’t panic when he makes a mistake that costs him money. As long as your needs are met—if there’s a roof over your head, gas in your car, food in your refrigerator, clothes in your closet, money in your purse—try not to panic. Give your man the chance to do things for you.
    Some wives are concerned that their husbands are stingy and will deny them extras like facials, pedicures or babysitters. Stingy husbands are a common by-product of controlling wives, and in every case I’ve seen, the stinginess disappears when the wife relinquishescontrol. You will never know how generous your husband is until you let go of the finances in your home. For a preview of coming attractions, think about whether you found him stingy during your courtship. The man who wooed you is about to return … if you’ll let him.
    M ARVEL AT Y OUR P ERFECT M ATCH

    O f course surrendering the finances to your husband doesn’t mean that he’ll never make a mistake. Beth had been surrendering for several months when the phone was disconnected for nonpayment. She was mortified at having to go to a neighbor’s to call her husband at work. Instead of berating him or criticizing him for letting it happen, she simply told him the phone was shut off and that she did not like it. Before the day was through, her phone was back on, and Beth had had a chance to talk to other women about how embarrassed and disappointed she felt. When her husband came home from work, she thanked him for paying the bill and resisted the temptation to rage at him. I marveled at her maturity.
    Perhaps Beth would have been justified in yelling at her husband that it was unacceptable to have the phone shut off. She could have complained about the inconvenience and embarrassment of looking

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