The Stillness Of You by Julie Bale

in the mood to paint, I
wasn’t hungry and I sure as hell didn’t care about what I looked
like.
    I stood under
the hot spray letting the steam envelop my skin, and nearly an hour
later I heard the door slam shut. I’d just combed out my hair and
paused in my bedroom.
    “G?” It was
Matt.
    I didn’t answer
at first because I wasn’t sure I wanted to talk to him.
    “G?” he said
again, worry in his voice.
    I sighed
and sat on the end of my bed. “In here.”
    A few
seconds later he was there, leaning against the doorframe, his
blond good looks, all scrunched up in an apology face. I saw that
he felt like shit. I was happy that he felt like shit and yet, how
many times had he been on the receiving end of my sad, apologetic
face?
    “ G,” he
said softly. “I’m sorry.”
    At least
he got right to the point. There was no waiting. No awkward
silences.
    Except
that there was. I couldn’t answer him and turned away. There was a
huge knot in my throat, everything was tight and it took a bit to
clear it away. The emotion that pummeled my chest came out of
nowhere and I realized that I wasn’t just angry. Not by a long
shot. I was so hurt and so sad that I couldn’t speak.
    “G?”
    I shook my
head, wanting to shout, ‘go away’ ‘leave me alone’ but that stupid
knot was still there and I didn’t say anything. I just stared at
the floor and wished he’d leave because I knew I was going to lose
it and I sure as hell didn’t want him to see me crying.
    He took a
step forward and I shook my head, violently. I don’t know how I
managed to speak but I whispered hoarsely. “Why are you back so
early?”
    “Joe
called.”
    “ Awesome.
Now you have Joe watching out for me? Calling you because you don’t
trust your fucked up baby sister?”
    “ No, I
had Joe let me know when you came home because I screwed up and I’m
sorry, and I was worried about you. I needed to see you,
Georgia.”
    All my
anger deflated at the look in his eyes. My shoulders slumped
forward and it took a lot to keep from crying.
    “ It’s not
fair,” I said shakily. “I don’t want to be like this…like her, and
it’s not fair.”
    “I know.”
    For a
moment there was silence, each of us lost in our thoughts…our
memories. “Nothing happened,” I said eventually. “Between Ben and
I.” God, the ache was awful. “A lot of guys would have left when I
put the brakes on, but he stayed and we slept together, but nothing
happened.”
    “I know.”
    “I suppose Ben
thinks I’m a freak.”
    Matt
moved toward me and I inched to the left so that there was room for
him to slide in beside me. His arms went around my shoulders and I
turned to him, shuddering and wheezing as the tightness in my chest
moved up to my throat, scrubbing at my face as a tear escaped and
slid down my cheek.
    “I’m pretty
sure he doesn’t think that.”
    “ Did you
tell him?” I asked hesitantly, dreading his answer. Did Ben know
how truly defective I was?
    “ No.
That’s your deal and you can tell him when you’re
ready.”
    I heaved
a sigh and shifted, my eyes on the floor. “Well, since I doubt I’ll
be seeing him anytime soon, I guess I dodged that
bullet.”
    “He wants to
see you, G.”
    I turned
to Matt in disbelief. “I find that hard to believe, but even if
it’s true, you’re okay with that?”
    Matt held
my gaze. “You’re better now, Georgia, and I’ve got to trust that
you’re going to make good decisions. Seamus is helping and you’re
taking your meds. You’re not a kid and if Ben Lancaster is
important to you, I’m not going to stand in the way.”
    What the
hell?
    “ Last
week you told him that I was messed up. That I would mess him
up.”
    “Last week I
was an asshole.”
    “You got that
right.”
    He
smiled, a sad sort of smile that tugged at my heart. He squeezed my
shoulder gently. “I’m proud of you, G. You faced a monster and
you’re dealing and I’m just…I’m just grateful we caught it in time.
I’m