been but the steps to arrive to that acceptance. Truthful to his
premise of no compromise, don Juan had aimed at a total victory or a
total defeat for me. If the training had failed to put me in contact
with my hidden resources, the test would have made it evident, in which case
there would have been very little I could have done. Don Juan had
said to dona Soledad that I would have killed myself.
Being such a profound connoisseur of human nature, he was probably right.
It was time to adopt a new course of action. Lidia had said that I could
help Rosa and dona Soledad with the same force that had
caused them injury; the problem, therefore, was to get the right
sequence of feelings, or thoughts, or whatever, that led my body to unleash
that force. I took Rosa 's hand and rubbed it. I willed it to
be cured. I had only the best feelings for her. I caressed her
hand and hugged her for a long time. I rubbed her head and she fell asleep on
my shoulder but there was no change in the redness or the swelling.
Lidia watched me without saying a word. She smiled at me. I wanted to
tell her that I was a fiasco as a healer. Her eyes seemed to
catch my mood and they held it until it froze.
Rosa wanted to sleep. She was either dead tired or ill. I did
not want to find out which. I picked her up in my arms; she was
lighter than I would have imagined. I took her to don Juan's bed
and gently placed her on it. Lidia covered her. The room was very dark. I
looked out of the window and saw a cloudless sky filled with stars. Up
to that moment I had been oblivious to the fact that we
were at a very high altitude.
As I looked at the sky, I felt a surge of optimism. Somehow the stars
looked festive to me. The southeast was indeed a lovely direction
to face.
I had a sudden urge that I felt obliged to satisfy. I wanted to see how
different the view of the sky was from dona Soledad's window,
which faced the north. I took Lidia by the hand with the intention
of leading her there, but a ticklish sensation on top of my head stopped me. It
went like a ripple down my back to my waist, and from there it went to the pit
of my stomach. I sat down on the mat. I made an effort to think about my
feelings. It seemed that at the very moment I had felt the
tickling on my head my thoughts had diminished in strength and number. I tried,
but I could not involve myself in the usual mental process that
I call thinking.
My mental deliberations made me oblivious to Lidia. She had knelt on
the floor, facing me. I became aware that her enormous eyes
were scrutinizing me from a few inches away. I automatically
took her hand again and walked to dona Soledad's room. As we reached the door I felt her whole body stiffening. I had to pull her. I was about to cross
the threshold when I caught sight of the bulky, dark mass of a
human body huddled against the wall opposite the door. The sight
was so unexpected that I gasped and let go of Lidia's hand. It was dona Soledad. She was resting her head against the wall. I turned to Lidia. She
had recoiled a couple of steps. I wanted to whisper that
dona Soledad had returned, but there were no sounds to my words although I was
sure I had vocalized them. I would have tried to talk again had it not been
that I had an urge to act. It was as if words took too much
time and I had very little of it. I stepped into the room and walked over to
dona Soledad. She appeared to be in great pain. I squatted by her side, and
rather than asking her anything, I lifted her face to look at
her. I saw something on her forehead; it looked like
the plaster of leaves that she had made for herself. It was dark, viscous to
the touch. I felt the imperative need to peel it off her forehead. In
a very bold fashion I grabbed her head, tilled it back and yanked the plaster
off. It was like peeling off rubber. She did not move or complain
about pain. Underneath the plaster there was a yellowish-green blotch. It
moved, as if it were alive or imbued with energy. I looked
premise of no compromise, don Juan had aimed at a total victory or a
total defeat for me. If the training had failed to put me in contact
with my hidden resources, the test would have made it evident, in which case
there would have been very little I could have done. Don Juan had
said to dona Soledad that I would have killed myself.
Being such a profound connoisseur of human nature, he was probably right.
It was time to adopt a new course of action. Lidia had said that I could
help Rosa and dona Soledad with the same force that had
caused them injury; the problem, therefore, was to get the right
sequence of feelings, or thoughts, or whatever, that led my body to unleash
that force. I took Rosa 's hand and rubbed it. I willed it to
be cured. I had only the best feelings for her. I caressed her
hand and hugged her for a long time. I rubbed her head and she fell asleep on
my shoulder but there was no change in the redness or the swelling.
Lidia watched me without saying a word. She smiled at me. I wanted to
tell her that I was a fiasco as a healer. Her eyes seemed to
catch my mood and they held it until it froze.
Rosa wanted to sleep. She was either dead tired or ill. I did
not want to find out which. I picked her up in my arms; she was
lighter than I would have imagined. I took her to don Juan's bed
and gently placed her on it. Lidia covered her. The room was very dark. I
looked out of the window and saw a cloudless sky filled with stars. Up
to that moment I had been oblivious to the fact that we
were at a very high altitude.
As I looked at the sky, I felt a surge of optimism. Somehow the stars
looked festive to me. The southeast was indeed a lovely direction
to face.
I had a sudden urge that I felt obliged to satisfy. I wanted to see how
different the view of the sky was from dona Soledad's window,
which faced the north. I took Lidia by the hand with the intention
of leading her there, but a ticklish sensation on top of my head stopped me. It
went like a ripple down my back to my waist, and from there it went to the pit
of my stomach. I sat down on the mat. I made an effort to think about my
feelings. It seemed that at the very moment I had felt the
tickling on my head my thoughts had diminished in strength and number. I tried,
but I could not involve myself in the usual mental process that
I call thinking.
My mental deliberations made me oblivious to Lidia. She had knelt on
the floor, facing me. I became aware that her enormous eyes
were scrutinizing me from a few inches away. I automatically
took her hand again and walked to dona Soledad's room. As we reached the door I felt her whole body stiffening. I had to pull her. I was about to cross
the threshold when I caught sight of the bulky, dark mass of a
human body huddled against the wall opposite the door. The sight
was so unexpected that I gasped and let go of Lidia's hand. It was dona Soledad. She was resting her head against the wall. I turned to Lidia. She
had recoiled a couple of steps. I wanted to whisper that
dona Soledad had returned, but there were no sounds to my words although I was
sure I had vocalized them. I would have tried to talk again had it not been
that I had an urge to act. It was as if words took too much
time and I had very little of it. I stepped into the room and walked over to
dona Soledad. She appeared to be in great pain. I squatted by her side, and
rather than asking her anything, I lifted her face to look at
her. I saw something on her forehead; it looked like
the plaster of leaves that she had made for herself. It was dark, viscous to
the touch. I felt the imperative need to peel it off her forehead. In
a very bold fashion I grabbed her head, tilled it back and yanked the plaster
off. It was like peeling off rubber. She did not move or complain
about pain. Underneath the plaster there was a yellowish-green blotch. It
moved, as if it were alive or imbued with energy. I looked
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