– he who hadn’t had a visit from anyone in months? He removed the slip knot, stepped down from the table, went to the door, and peered through the spy hole. The distorted face that appeared on the other side belonged to Tania.
* * *
Tania. He had almost forgotten about her. If there was one last person to whom Bilodo still owed an explanation, it surely was the young waitress. With a vague feeling of dread, he unlocked the three locks, unlatched the four safety chains, and opened the door. As Tania caught sight of him in the doorway, she seemed even more startled than he was. She stared at him anxiously, asked if he was all right, and blurted out she found him greatly changed. This didn’t surprise Bilodo: after so much turmoil, and the serious decision to embrace Death, he must have looked like someone who’d just returned from the grave. With the faintest of reassuring smiles he told her he’d never felt better. The young woman, who appeared unconvinced, apologised for bothering him, and explained in a muddled way she’d got his address through Robert. Bilodo wanted to apologise, too, for what happened at the Madelinot that last time, but she beat him to it, insisted a large part of the blame lay with
her
: having grilled Robert and got his confession, Tania knew Bilodo wasn’t responsible for what had occurred and, besides, she felt it was mostly her own fault, since nothing would have happened if she hadn’t indulged in imagining… things, wasn’t that true?
She shifted from foot to foot, nervous, visibly embarrassed, looking as though she were waiting for him to confirm what she just said, or contradict it perhaps. Then, when nothing came, she went on to the other purpose of her visit and told him she was going away, she was moving, she was quitting her job at the restaurant to go and live in the suburbs.
Was she hoping for a particular reaction from him? Did his unresponsiveness disappoint her? If so, she didn’t let on, but handed him a slip of paper and pointed out it contained her new address in case he… if ever he wanted to… well, anyway… As Bilodo examined the sheet, he noticed she’d taken the trouble to carefully calligraph her new address and phone numberJapanese-style, with a brush. The result looked quite lovely, and he complimented her warmly on it. She asked him to get in touch with her if ever it suited him. He promised he definitely would. He really shouldn’t hesitate, she added further, forcing a smile. Then there was a brief, awkward silence. They just stood there, on the landing, not saying anything, afraid to look at each other, and this lasted a good ten, interminable, seconds. Finally Tania broke the stasis by telling him she had to go. She said goodbye and stiffly went down the steps.
On the pavement, she turned around to see if he was still there; then, quickening her pace, she hurried off. Bilodo thought he spotted something glistening on her cheek. A tear? When he saw her walk away, a powerful emotion swept over him. It was like a stinging void, like a beautiful thought that aborts just as it is about to take off, vanishing before it has even had a chance to take form. A sharp lump choked Bilodo’s throat and he noticed his eyes were blurred with tears. He suddenly felt tempted to call Tania, to hail her before she was too far away, and his hand went up, stretched towards her, and he tried to shout, but no sounds escaped his lips. Once Tania reached the corner, she turned right and slipped out of sight. Bilodo’s hand dropped.
On the street, the wind bit its tail, sending newspaper pieces swirling around and around. Bilodo looked up at the sky, saw it was overcast and grey, packed with heavy clouds. There was a storm in the air. He shivered, went back in.
* * *
Bilodo pensively closed the door and studied the sheet of paper with Tania’s new address and phone number, no less fascinated by the beautifully calligraphed characters than by the new possibilities they
* * *
Tania. He had almost forgotten about her. If there was one last person to whom Bilodo still owed an explanation, it surely was the young waitress. With a vague feeling of dread, he unlocked the three locks, unlatched the four safety chains, and opened the door. As Tania caught sight of him in the doorway, she seemed even more startled than he was. She stared at him anxiously, asked if he was all right, and blurted out she found him greatly changed. This didn’t surprise Bilodo: after so much turmoil, and the serious decision to embrace Death, he must have looked like someone who’d just returned from the grave. With the faintest of reassuring smiles he told her he’d never felt better. The young woman, who appeared unconvinced, apologised for bothering him, and explained in a muddled way she’d got his address through Robert. Bilodo wanted to apologise, too, for what happened at the Madelinot that last time, but she beat him to it, insisted a large part of the blame lay with
her
: having grilled Robert and got his confession, Tania knew Bilodo wasn’t responsible for what had occurred and, besides, she felt it was mostly her own fault, since nothing would have happened if she hadn’t indulged in imagining… things, wasn’t that true?
She shifted from foot to foot, nervous, visibly embarrassed, looking as though she were waiting for him to confirm what she just said, or contradict it perhaps. Then, when nothing came, she went on to the other purpose of her visit and told him she was going away, she was moving, she was quitting her job at the restaurant to go and live in the suburbs.
Was she hoping for a particular reaction from him? Did his unresponsiveness disappoint her? If so, she didn’t let on, but handed him a slip of paper and pointed out it contained her new address in case he… if ever he wanted to… well, anyway… As Bilodo examined the sheet, he noticed she’d taken the trouble to carefully calligraph her new address and phone numberJapanese-style, with a brush. The result looked quite lovely, and he complimented her warmly on it. She asked him to get in touch with her if ever it suited him. He promised he definitely would. He really shouldn’t hesitate, she added further, forcing a smile. Then there was a brief, awkward silence. They just stood there, on the landing, not saying anything, afraid to look at each other, and this lasted a good ten, interminable, seconds. Finally Tania broke the stasis by telling him she had to go. She said goodbye and stiffly went down the steps.
On the pavement, she turned around to see if he was still there; then, quickening her pace, she hurried off. Bilodo thought he spotted something glistening on her cheek. A tear? When he saw her walk away, a powerful emotion swept over him. It was like a stinging void, like a beautiful thought that aborts just as it is about to take off, vanishing before it has even had a chance to take form. A sharp lump choked Bilodo’s throat and he noticed his eyes were blurred with tears. He suddenly felt tempted to call Tania, to hail her before she was too far away, and his hand went up, stretched towards her, and he tried to shout, but no sounds escaped his lips. Once Tania reached the corner, she turned right and slipped out of sight. Bilodo’s hand dropped.
On the street, the wind bit its tail, sending newspaper pieces swirling around and around. Bilodo looked up at the sky, saw it was overcast and grey, packed with heavy clouds. There was a storm in the air. He shivered, went back in.
* * *
Bilodo pensively closed the door and studied the sheet of paper with Tania’s new address and phone number, no less fascinated by the beautifully calligraphed characters than by the new possibilities they
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