The New York City Bartender's Joke Book by Jimmy Pritchard Page B
Authors: Jimmy Pritchard
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it’s cheap
and spreads easy.
Ask your friend this:
Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
Ask your mother!
Four Irish brothers come to New York and get jobs as cab drivers. Because they come from a small village in Ireland, they
can’t get the grasp of stoplights and they all run the red lights. One of the brothers is driving a guy downtown when all
of a sudden he stops at a green light.
“Hey,” says the guy, “why did you stop at a green light?”
The Irishman replies, “One of my brothers might be coming!”
There is a massive traffic jam in Times Square. A cop shows up and sees a penguin in the middle of Broadway. He picks it up, opens
the door of the first car he sees, throws the penguin in and says, “Do me a favor, take this penguin to the zoo.”
The guy takes a right and heads to the Bronx.
Four hours later the guy, with the penguin still sitting in the front seat, is at a light on 42nd Street. The same cop is on
the corner and sees him. He walks over to the car and says, “I thought I told you to take the penguin to the zoo.”
“I did,” says the guy. “Now we are going to dinner and then the opera!”
A Polish guy is not doing too good at the entrance exam for the police department. The sergeant, who is also Polish,
feels sorry for him and wants to help him pass the test. “I’ll tell you what,” he says, “I’ll give you one last question. Go
home, research it, and bring me the answer the first thing in the morning. The question is, Who killed Jesus Christ?”
The Pole goes home and his wife says, “How did the exam go?”
“Great!” says the Pole. “I’m working on my first murder case!”
Do you know what happened to the
Polish rocket ship?
At five hundred feet it ran out of coal!
How do you confuse a Polish guy?
Put him in a round room and tell him
to piss in the corner.
Can’t just pick on the Polish, now, can we?
How do Greeks separate the men from the boys?
With a crowbar.
Why do Greek men wear gold chains
around their necks?
So they know where to stop shaving.
As I was leaving my apartment to go to work, I noticed the police were at the apartment down the hall. I walked over to a cop
and asked, “What’s going on?”
“There has been a murder,” the cop says.
“How did it happen?” I ask.
“The victim,” says the cop, “was found in the bathtub filled with milk and cornflakes.”
Right away, I knew it was the work of a cereal killer!
A guy goes to his doctor and says, “Doc, I have a problem.”
The doctor asks, “What kind of problem?”
The guy says, “Well, before I go to work, my wife jumps me and we have sex three times. When I get to work, my secretary and
I have sex, then at lunch we have sex and a ‘quickie’ at the end of work. Then when I get home, my wife jumps me again and we
have sex before dinner, after dinner, before we go to bed, and before we go to sleep. All this happens every day.”
“So,” asks the doctor, “what’s your problem?”
The guy says, “When I jerk off, I get dizzy.”
A guy calls 911. “Help, send an ambulance! My wife is in labor and her water broke!”
The 911 operator asks, “Is this her first child?”
“No, you moron!” yells the guy. “This is her husband!”
Two teenagers are on their first date and they go to the amusement park. After going on the roller coaster and the Ferris wheel, the
boy asks his date, “What do you want to do now?”
“I want to get weighed,” she responds.
They head off to the guy that guesses your weight. The kid pays the guy, he guesses her weight, and then they go to the
bumper cars, then to the funhouse. “What do you want to do now?” asks the kid again.
“I want to get weighed!” urges his date.
So they go back to the guy that guesses your weight, the kid pays him and he guesses both their weights, they go back to the
roller coaster, eat some cotton candy and hot dogs, then he takes her home. When the
and spreads easy.
Ask your friend this:
Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
Ask your mother!
Four Irish brothers come to New York and get jobs as cab drivers. Because they come from a small village in Ireland, they
can’t get the grasp of stoplights and they all run the red lights. One of the brothers is driving a guy downtown when all
of a sudden he stops at a green light.
“Hey,” says the guy, “why did you stop at a green light?”
The Irishman replies, “One of my brothers might be coming!”
There is a massive traffic jam in Times Square. A cop shows up and sees a penguin in the middle of Broadway. He picks it up, opens
the door of the first car he sees, throws the penguin in and says, “Do me a favor, take this penguin to the zoo.”
The guy takes a right and heads to the Bronx.
Four hours later the guy, with the penguin still sitting in the front seat, is at a light on 42nd Street. The same cop is on
the corner and sees him. He walks over to the car and says, “I thought I told you to take the penguin to the zoo.”
“I did,” says the guy. “Now we are going to dinner and then the opera!”
A Polish guy is not doing too good at the entrance exam for the police department. The sergeant, who is also Polish,
feels sorry for him and wants to help him pass the test. “I’ll tell you what,” he says, “I’ll give you one last question. Go
home, research it, and bring me the answer the first thing in the morning. The question is, Who killed Jesus Christ?”
The Pole goes home and his wife says, “How did the exam go?”
“Great!” says the Pole. “I’m working on my first murder case!”
Do you know what happened to the
Polish rocket ship?
At five hundred feet it ran out of coal!
How do you confuse a Polish guy?
Put him in a round room and tell him
to piss in the corner.
Can’t just pick on the Polish, now, can we?
How do Greeks separate the men from the boys?
With a crowbar.
Why do Greek men wear gold chains
around their necks?
So they know where to stop shaving.
As I was leaving my apartment to go to work, I noticed the police were at the apartment down the hall. I walked over to a cop
and asked, “What’s going on?”
“There has been a murder,” the cop says.
“How did it happen?” I ask.
“The victim,” says the cop, “was found in the bathtub filled with milk and cornflakes.”
Right away, I knew it was the work of a cereal killer!
A guy goes to his doctor and says, “Doc, I have a problem.”
The doctor asks, “What kind of problem?”
The guy says, “Well, before I go to work, my wife jumps me and we have sex three times. When I get to work, my secretary and
I have sex, then at lunch we have sex and a ‘quickie’ at the end of work. Then when I get home, my wife jumps me again and we
have sex before dinner, after dinner, before we go to bed, and before we go to sleep. All this happens every day.”
“So,” asks the doctor, “what’s your problem?”
The guy says, “When I jerk off, I get dizzy.”
A guy calls 911. “Help, send an ambulance! My wife is in labor and her water broke!”
The 911 operator asks, “Is this her first child?”
“No, you moron!” yells the guy. “This is her husband!”
Two teenagers are on their first date and they go to the amusement park. After going on the roller coaster and the Ferris wheel, the
boy asks his date, “What do you want to do now?”
“I want to get weighed,” she responds.
They head off to the guy that guesses your weight. The kid pays the guy, he guesses her weight, and then they go to the
bumper cars, then to the funhouse. “What do you want to do now?” asks the kid again.
“I want to get weighed!” urges his date.
So they go back to the guy that guesses your weight, the kid pays him and he guesses both their weights, they go back to the
roller coaster, eat some cotton candy and hot dogs, then he takes her home. When the
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